Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year! We Welcome You, 2011!

New Year resolutions are easier to set then to accomplish. I’m looking to make goals or changes in my life that will lead to a better happier me. Everyone could stand to make some changes as long as they are for the better.
Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…
I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

This time of year the Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I've been through some heavy things this year which I will not recreate in my future. Some things will need to be left behind in order for my future to be different than how my past has been...

Be safe tonight and every night... Make thought out choices and think BEYOND THE MOMENT!! So many people make decisions based on TODAY without any thought whatsoever to TOMORROW... Happy New Year 2 u all! Much luv and *smooches*!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Past, Present and Future...

So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".

Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...

Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.

Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Sometimes we don’t know why people were put into our lives until they are no longer IN our lives. Some horrible situations can bring out the best in you and the people whose lives you influence by being in theirs. We never know what things people can pull out of you while in your life. Those things can either be bad things or good things… At the time, we don’t realize what’s going on but after it’s over hopefully you’ll know. Hopefully you’ve learned something. Hopefully, you’ve grown... Hopefully you’ve learned something about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. Hopefully you’ve changed for the better. Hopefully…

"Music is Therapy"

It’s funny how someone will play a song or two and something in those songs will inspire you to think… To reflect... To look @ yourself and others in a new way… As a friend of mine said, “Music is therapy” and I would agree with him. Songs provoke emotion, regardless of what emotion it brings out of you at the time, it’s helpful, it’s freeing, it’s necessary. Music is very important to me as is dancing and writing. They all have the same effect on me and ALL bring me joy. When I’m on that dance floor, sometimes I feel as if I’m the only one in that club, in that room, on that floor. I RARELY listen to the words of a song, but the beat, the way it makes me feel to hear it brings something out of me. I don’t go to the club for the same reason some people may go, I go for the MUSIC… “Music is therapy.” Yes it is…

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Dear Grandma,

I know you are aware of what I'm about to write before these words hit the screen, but I have to get them out. I love you for the woman you were, the woman you created - My Mother, and for the strength that was passed down from you, to her and then given to me.

I apologize for not making it to your burial on Saturday, but I also know you understand why. As the head of my household, I am responsible for my children and will ALWAYS put them before myself. That's what good parent's do and that's what my Mom does for me. My thoughts, blessings and prayers are with you from this day to the next.

I would like for you to give my Mother closure and to lift her heart because I know that she feels guilty for not being there with you when you passed on, however, she was here with her children and grandchildren, busy putting us before herself. She assisted me by helping me be there with you in her place and for THAT and many other reasons, I am eternally grateful. She allowed ME to gain closure. I was able to speak to you, to hold your hand and to tell you I love you for that final time and I was able to hear you say those same words to me. Without her doing this for me, I would have missed out on a very precious moment that we were able to share.

Give both Granddaddy and Meechy hugs and kisses for me each day. Those two meant the world to me as do you, My Mother, and my children. Out of all of this sadness, there are things to be thankful for which are: you are no longer ill, no longer in pain, and no longer suffering.

As I told Janelle who also wrote something for you, "Grandma is now among the Angels". As I was able to say to you on Thanksgiving, "I love you, Grandma" - from this day to the next.

Monday, November 29, 2010


Monarch butterfly, fly high and fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Beautiful to watch, beautiful to observe, beautiful to see

Strong in flight, strong in faith, strong in her beliefs

Blessed are we that you gave me and my brothers our lovely Mom

Who shows us love whether we’re right or whether we’re wrong

Grandma now joins Grandaddy and Meechy in that heavenly place

Where I hope to join them one day, please make me some space

Her stories, her bible verses, her songs were ever present

God and Jesus were her strength and she loved them both at great length

She made sure we were aware of who they were and what they meant

Made sure we were baptized and of our sins we repent

Monarch butterfly, fly high and please fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Sometimes I don’t know what I will say or do

Makes me nervous and scared sometimes too

Sometimes my replies are reactions and nothing more

Calculated though sometimes, I want to settle the score

Although sometimes I react with thought and precision

Sometimes my reactions have goals and visions

That sometimes occurs when I’m not ready to behold

Sometimes my words flow like rivers of gold

Sometimes I spend time on things that don’t matter at all

Sometimes I lend a hand to others when they fall

Sometimes that person who falls is me and I see

That sometimes I fall to increase the strength that I need

Without Them...

I wonder if these breaks in my writing will continue or will I become inspired again… I guess inspired may be the wrong word here but maybe my NEED to write has certainly slowed down. There was a time I HAD to write in order to get my feelings out so that I can truly let them go, but I’ve changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed for the better or for the worse… I know I’m a stronger person NOW than I’ve ever been and that isn’t bad at all. Some people think that bad relationships aren’t good for you but I disagree. You learn a lot about yourself while going through the hardest times in your life. These are the times that we become a stronger, better person. I’m not sure if that would necessarily happen without trials and tribulations, but I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Silence… Something I should practice more of instead of putting words on my fist like boxing gloves.

Words can be daggers, knives or guns The battles I’ve lost total more than I’ve won.

No battles have winners if you stop and think. Just time lost during the fights and it’s gone in a blink.

What are we fighting for sometimes no one knows. A relationship can be over just as fast as the wind blows.

Everyone loses there are rarely winners you see. Sometimes silence is needed in order to agree.

The Day Our Eyes Met

The smile on my face covers the tears in my eyes.

I'm stronger than u'll ever realize..

My mind wants to shout but my mouth just grins

instead of hitting yo punk azz in the chin...

The words that I say approach with such haste

Gives my mouth such a horrible taste.

I can’t stop them coming they flow with such ease

I must stop living for you but for ME…

U’re all I know, all I have, all I want in this life

Why must u cause me such sickness and strife?

A love like this is wonderful and rare

I must take it and give it to someone who’ll care

Sometimes I sit, stop and think

If I didn’t respond to that first wink

What would my life have been

If I didn’t choose to let u in.

But in this life there are no regrets

No love lost, no boxes unchecked

We are what we were and nothing less

The day our lives changed, the day our eyes met

Friday, October 15, 2010

Nice Place...

I’m at a nice place. Not good, not bad, but NICE… I have things going on like everyone does, but it’s good to not be down and out or have that feeling of being lost with no way of seeing an upside to things.

This blog has really done a lot for me and my healing process while going through some major events in my life. I know some people who have read my writing have also said that it has helped them also. I’m grateful to have an outlet which brings happiness to me, the people around me and probably to some that I may not even know.

My problems are not just mine alone. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through the issues I have. It helps to see how others have overcome obstacles regardless of how small they may seem. While going through them, they seem bigger than life…

I used to be “Happy Go Lucky” ALL the time and that did nothing but assist me in getting run over. I have down moments like everyone does, but I try to recognize that and change it once I notice that it’s happening. Positivity goes a long way. Life is forever evolving and unfortunately not always for the better. The only thing we can do is evolve with it. I’ve written before that not all change is bad, it’s just different and DIFFERENT is not always bad either.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Love is a HARD Feeling...

Love is such a hard feeling. Hard to understand, hard to sort out, hard to put words to. It’s a feeling that sometimes hits you in the face and you’re not ready for, sometimes it creeps up on your and you’re not ready for that either. Either way, how do you describe it? How do you know when you’re in love? How do you end the love you have for someone and open yourself up enough to receive it from someone else? How do you stop feeling the love you have for someone to allow yourself to give it to someone new? Love is hard to begin, hard to end, hard to mend, hard to lend… Love is such a hard feeling…

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Things to Remember in September...

I know it’s just the 23rd of September, however so far, this month has been SUCKY from the beginning until now! I feel like I’m being tested and my grade so far is less than I’d like it to be. Things everywhere are being affected and I don’t like what I see. In order to get a different outcome, I have to do something different… I’m making changes for my future, letting myself go (not physically in that area I’m doing well in), taking some protective walls down… I need to be more positive, not letting so many people in and having more control over my own situations, whether it is my work environment or my personal life. I’m not sure if these areas are where my changes need to be, however it’s a beginning.

Unfortunately, since some of those walls that have protected me are being slowly removed, I have allowed myself to be more open which has also permitted me to be more hurt recently then normal. THIS MUST STOP! I keep myself guarded as to not allow anyone in enough to hurt me. I’m losing in this battle this month and since I realize the problem, it’s an easy fix. I must remember that only a FEW people’s opinions matter! Anyone outside of that very SMALL circle does not matter! It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for people, I love everyone, but I must protect my heart at all cost!

I need to also remember that some people’s role in my life is not of importance. What things WERE are no longer what they need to BE! Things are different, I am different. My whole life is different therefore I must react differently. My same responses to people, to situations should be different. My outlook on life is different. This to me means that I’m growing, I’m learning, and changing! Nothing can be wrong with that!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Remembering September 11, 2001...

This was written a couple of years ago... Thought it fitting to post here... This day...

Do you remember where you were then? I do, and I'll never forget it for the rest of my days...

I was sitting at work at Austin Community College at the front desk across from the Student Lounge. It has since been revamped and things moved around, but that day is clear in my mind. The office was empty at the time and I was there, bored out of my mind and just sitting there watching all of the students in the lounge. Something grabbed my attention, though. The TV in the lounge was on and it hardly ever was especially that early in the morning. The volume was off until someone decided to cut it on as well. All heads were cocked up toward the screen. Some people were crying others had there hands covering their mouths and a lot of people were standing around all peering at the screen. I then moved from my desk to the hallway so that I could see the TV better and then more people started coming out of the offices. As I looked on the screen, they began showing a playback of what happened and it was the first plane hitting the tower! We couldn't believe it! At first I thought that it was a horrible accident and I immediately began to cry. As I stood there watching the screen seeing the smoke bellow out of the building, the second plane hit and I knew precisely then what was going on. My co-worker Olga at the time, was overwhelmed with emotion. I remember how hard she was crying and I tried to comfort her, but it's even harder to comfort someone when you are equally overcome with emotion yourself. As the news spread throughout the building, employees began to call their loved ones who live in New York to check on them and two people, in particular, were petrified. Both of their spouses were in New York on business and were supposed to be on a plane that morning and in the area of the World Trade Center. I remember their panicked faces as they tried to phone them, but to no avail. The phone lines that morning were tremendously busy! No calls were making it out to that area. Soon, all of us were in the Student Lounge watching the screen. I don't believe any work or anything was accomplished that day.

At home, that night was horrible. The TV stations played the crashes over and over and it was on every network. But one thing in particular grabbed a hold of me. It was a documentary of a guy who was a firefighter in New York. All footage was being taped live as it happened. The scene when the first plane hit and the firefighters were on the way into the building and the sound of the jumpers hitting the ground. In the movie he says, "We all heard it. That sound. No one said a word. You can't describe it. Upon hearing it, you know exactly what it is. You know how bad it is up there if people would rather jump to their deaths than burn to death in the building." I'll never forget that sound or those words for the rest of my life. I've watched the airing of that show every year since 9/11.

One thing that I remember proudly, was the outpouring of TOGETHERNESS that was shown throughout the country after this happened. It has slowly faded away since. EVERYONE either had a flag at their house, on their clothes even on their car. We were one country and it was beautiful! We need to get that feeling back that we all had after this horrible event happened. We all shared in the tragedy, the grief and in the sorrow. We were one, one country truly indivisible.

The lives of the people who perished that day should be remembered, forever.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


What I want and need is important. I AM IMPORTANT to me and my children. This may seem like a “DUH” moment to some people, but to ME, it’s an “AHA” moment (as Oprah would call it.) Not everyone realizes their importance. Not everyone sees what other people see. Not everyone views themselves as others view them. (In some cases that may be a good thing…) Some people believe they are more important in your life then they TRULY are… Maybe YOU need to be reminded of your OWN worth rather than them reminding you of how important they SHOULD be… Oftentimes, when you are around negative people enough or people who tell you that you aren’t worth much, we begin to believe them. We think that what this person says is true because you’ve heard it so often. It’s the same with people who lie all the time. It’s easy for them to pass a lie detector test because they’ve told so many lies that the lies BECOME the truth, at least to THEM. I think women have the hardest time with realizing their worth. They’ve been beaten on, sometimes literally, and broken down that it becomes hard to see yourself as anything MORE. I’m here to tell you, there is more out there for all of us once we realize that we DESERVE it!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Too Much To Ask For??

I've been asked several times if I know what I want in a relationship. I guess that is a good question considering my marriage just ended. It's something to give alot of thought to PRIOR to getting involved with someone new. It's helpful to know what I will expect of someone and what I will and WILL NOT put up with.

I would like someone in my life who has all these things listed below... Not necessarily in that order but who has ALL these qualities for sure! Some of you may think that these items are NO-BRAINERS, but believe me to some people some of these things don't exist at all...

*Someone who will love my children as if they are their own

*Someone who is loyal

*Who would love me more than they love their friends although friends are important and we can't lose our individuality while being together

*A PARTNER financially (not someone to take care of me or me of him but someone who can assist in taking care of the household WITH me)

*Someone who values my opinions as I do theirs

*Someone who will walk NEXT to me instead of trying to walk ahead of me

*Someone who will only put their hands on me in a loving fashion and not to cause me pain

*A man who can stand on his own and be a man without me being more responsible than him

*A man who can compliment me and NOT take over me

*Sense of Humor

I know I've left some things out since I was making the list off the top of the dome, but it's a good list to start off with that's for sure. As I've said in earlier posts, "... history repeats itself... but only if the variables remain unchanged..." There are certain areas of MY history that in NO WAY would I want to re-live again, so in order to prevent that from happening, I have to make some changes! I've done so somewhat, but our lives, our situations, our futures are forever changing and I want a say so in MINE!!

Monday, August 02, 2010

My Inspiration...

A couple of people have told me that my blog has inspired them to begin to write and to all of y'all I saw "Thank You!" Believe it or not, some of you are my inspirations as well.. Maybe not to WRITE, but to attempt to be a better person to myself. To not be so hard on myself. To not judge myself so unfairly against others. To recognize how I need to allow myself to fail and to know that it's okay to do so. To learn my self worth and my strength. To be able to see a positive future although my past is less than perfect. Some of these things are hard to see when not paying attention to yourself because you are spending so much time attempting to fix others while your own mess is stacking up. None of us are alone in our daily fight and together, no fight is a losing battle.

Most people that are inspirations have NO IDEA that you feel that way about them. They spend their time just doing what they do all the while, we notice them. They make us want to be better people. They make us want to be our best so that we can prove to the world (and to ourselves) that we aren't bad people. It's so important to smile these days, you never know whose day you're making by having that smile to show the world. We never know what issues people are facing in their own homes, but EVERYONE has SOMETHING that they are dealing with, that's for sure whether they want to express it or not. Everyone's day can become brighter just by a silent smile.

My Mom and my children are my daily inspirations. They make me want the best for them. They make me want to prove to them that no matter what things happen to you or what things you go through, you never give up! Regardless of the pain you're in, you can make it through! I am who I am today because of them.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Just Disappointed...

Ok... I know I can be a handful to some people, but I gotta be me whether it's something other people can deal with or not... I am who I am and I don't apologize for a damn thing. Love me or hate me, it's your decision but either way I'm still winning because I'm on YOUR mind... This post may sound like I'm angry, I'm not... Just disappointed... Disappointed in some people who can allow things to get to them to the point that they miss out on a great person. Disappointed that others can allow things to come inbetween me and them to the point where we split apart... Disappointed that I'm expected to do things for other people when that same expectation can't be returned... Disappointed that I give ALL of who I am when the other person can get away with giving me just a simple fraction of who they are... I'm just disappointed...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I shall, I will, I CAN!

You ever have the feeling that no matter what you do it’s never enough for some people? The real question is: Why spend so much time trying to be what you aren’t for others instead of being all you can be for yourself? It’s time for self reflection, self motivation, and recognizing self worth! Yes, I know the saying, “No one can love you until you learn to love yourself first.” It’s true, from beginning to end. If we know this then why don’t we practice it? I’ve noticed how so many of us spend so much time loving other people that we don’t even BEGIN to know how to love ourselves. We are last on our OWN lists so often and then we are shocked that we are NEVER first on someone else’s. Jeessshhh… I’m trying to do better with this… Trying to move forward is difficult when you keep looking back… Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda’s need to move out the way and become: I shall, I will, I CAN!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Demetrius (Meechie) Butler, Why Did This Day Come??

Thinking back on this day FOUR years ago when I heard the tragic news… Doesn’t seem like it’s been this long. Things were rough then in my house and didn’t have any means of communication but a pay by the minute cell phone. The morning of July 14th I awoke like every day preparing to go to work when I noticed the phone blinking – the power was low and minutes were basically gone. The meanings behind the basically empty minutes were 7 missed calls and 3 messages. I had just enough power and minutes to get the messages. The messages were - one from my oldest brother, my mom and my dad. I went down to the pool at our apartment complex because I knew there was a phone there (not anymore) and I had change to make the call to my Mom. She was very upset when she came to the phone and I was shocked at this since it was just 6:00 in the morning. She said that she didn’t know how to tell me but she’ll just say it – my cousin (Meechie) had been killed in a car accident the night before.

Now mind you, this wasn’t a “normal” accident where there was NOT two or more cars involved. Just one… His… That’s it… Most of my family (uncles, aunts, cousins) live in this relatively small town in Mississippi where EVERY road is a back road. Hardly any street lights, houses spread apart, bumpy unkept roads - some even gravel still… But my cousin grew up there; he knew those roads like the back of his hands. Funny thing is when visiting, my brothers and I know those roads too although we didn’t really grow up there. My dad was in the military so we grew up everywhere and nowhere at the same time…

Well, about two weeks prior to this, I took the girls to my Mom’s house in Mississippi to spend the remainder of the summer with her. They were just stuck in the house all day every day and it was quite boring for them. Mom and I decided it would be good for them to visit her and just as good for her so that she isn’t alone either. So lucky for this happening, it allowed me to see my cousin one last time.

Although Meechie and I were not in the same town or the same state, it didn’t stop us from being close. We’ve always been close. My Mom (Gloria) was the big sister of the family and his Mom (Linda) was the next sister in line. Our Mothers are extremely close… Growing up I would make sure that during each phone call, that I make sure I tell him and his brother how much I love them. When we would go to visit, I would stay at their house and spend my time with them. When we became grown, my mom, his mom, my other aunt (Angie) and me would all be on the phone 4 way – laughing and singing. I would tell his mom, “Make sure you tell my cousins I love them.”

I won’t tell you how the rest of the phone call went. To tell you the truth, I can’t remember how it went. I remember after her saying that Meechie was killed, I remember collapsing on the ground with the phone kind of hanging there – I was crying hysterically… I just never thought... Not him, not then… I made it home some kind of way and when I got there, Ryan came running from the bedroom to me. He was asking what was wrong, what happened... I was still crying and managed to get it out to him what happened. "It's Meechie.. He's dead!" I screamed. I fell in his arms and we both cried and cried... It was horrible… I made it to work and I remember crying most of the day. I spoke to my boss and took off the remainder of the week. Ryan and I got off of work that day at 4 and made the trip to Mississippi, driving over night with several “Monster” energy drinks in one hand and the steering wheel in the other… We drove all night and switchin' off back and forth until we made it the next morning at about 5:45 a.m.

Now, remember, I said that my girls were in Mississippi when this happened. He died not to far from my Mom’s house – apparently on the way home from his friend’s house. I believe his friend saw the car burning on the side of the road and called Linda. Angie, Linda, and his brother Chris (named after my brother) all went to the scene… and so the phone calls to the family came after that… When we arrived that next morning, we went to the crash site. Still in shock, nothing seemed real… What I don’t remember is when Chris and Don (my brothers) and their families made it – everything is a blur… (I remember certain things after this point, but the order is what I’m unsure of. It was such an emotional time for all of us.) While we were at the sight, we were trying to re-live what could’ve happened to him. Things just didn’t make sense. There were no tire marks, nothing indicating that he hit the brakes at all. The tree that he hit was burnt from the bottom to the top… The grass around was all burnt. It was weird, he hit the only tree there was that could’ve done any damage… The other trees and bushes around the area were too small to do anything… Right across from his tree was a dirt/gravel road. It looked like he was driving down the road, someone/something came from out of the gravel road and he swerved to miss it and hit the tree… Of course these are all assumptions… Looking down that street, looking at the gravel road, looking at the tree, it all seemed so surreal. We were looking for clues to what happened. Looking around in the burnt grass for anything that reminded us of him… Ryan found a piece of clothing and the emblem from the car he was driving – it was Linda’s car. I had written a poem for him and Linda placed it in the center of a reef and attached it to the tree. I made sure to put it in plastic so it would last for a long time against the elements…

Family from all over attended his funeral… It was a horribly sad day. Meechie used to say that funerals were nothing but sad family reunions… He was right. Linda picked a beautiful black and gold casket – one that was perfect for him. His flowers, the words from his friends everything was beautiful.

I think of him a lot. Things he would say, things we would do, songs he loved, singers he admired… Everything about him would cross my mind whether I was trying to think of him or not. He’s always with me, he’s always here… I remembered the dreadful day yesterday when he passed and called Linda to send her my love. I remember this morning, the day I found out of his passing. He will never be forgotten, not now… Not ever… I love you…

Monday, June 28, 2010

By ALL Means... Read ON!!

I began this blog for ME and me only, because writing is what I love to do. It frees me of pinned up emotions and feelings that I keep to myself. Although I am an open book, some things ARE personal. Some things are better left either unsaid or said to a chosen FEW, but for the most part, ask me and you’ll have your answer whether you will like what I say or not.

Don’t cha just love when people come into your world and try to change you and what you do? Of course you don’t I was being sarcastic, but censorship is the same thing. Apparently some folks don’t appreciate my words and how I choose to portray them to the world, but as I recall, this is MY blog and I can do with it as I choose. Luckily, I have little care for what people think of me or what their opinion is of me. I just say, “kiss my azz” and keep it pushin’! If you have that many things to say to me about what I do, then begin your OWN blog and write freely there.

Don’t try and shush me, it will only cause me to become LOUDER. Don’t attempt to cage me, I WILL break free. Don’t hold me down, I will become unloosed. It’s a new world out here and I want to see what it holds whether you are ok with it or not. By the way, don’t take what I say so personally, but if you do and it changes you for the better, then by all means… READ ON!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Some of the BEST Lessons...

I’ve learned to accept people for their actions and not their words. Actions REALLY DO speak louder then words. If I tell you I love you but never do anything to SHOW/PROVE to you that I do, then how can you believe that what I’m saying is true? It’s beautiful what opened eyes can see, not literally speaking but figuratively. The brain sees things that the heart won’t necessarily accept. We are afraid to allow ourselves to see these things for fear of being hurt. Being hurt is an opportunity for growth whether we see that at the time or not. Some of the hardest situations that I’ve been through in my life have taught me some of the best lessons… It’s true and if you look back at your life, you’ll agree.

When we were young, some of us made plans for ourselves, for our lives ahead. I did and of course things didn’t work out all the way as I had previously planned. However one thing is for certain, I’m a stronger woman than I thought I would be. I’ve been taught things that I normally wouldn’t have learned if not for trials and tribulations. Good things come out of all bad situations if you look at them through different eyes.

This has been a very hard week for me. I’ve had to end a relationship that began 18 years ago. STRENGTH allowed me to do that. Friends and family by my side that stood by me and didn’t judge me HELPED with this... People who have walked the road in front of me to shield and protect me AIDED in this... Peers who have held me and told me things would be okay ASSISTED in this. I’m not alone in anything I do. God has had my back when I didn’t know he was there. He has been with me, helped me, aided others in my fight, and held me during this whole situation. I love HIM and ALL OF YOU for all of your support.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tupac - If My Homies Call

Happy 39th Birthday, Tupac!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I’m in My Own Way

I have to learn how to let go… I have to show myself and prove to myself that I am worthy of love and adoration. Not the love that I’ve been getting, but the love that I’ve never gotten… Does that make sense? You know the love I mean, the type that when someone’s eyes look into yours the feeling is that you are the only one on this planet that exists besides the person that you’re looking at? The feeling that every word that you utter is important and has meaning…That no one else in this world matters but you… I’ve felt this way before, but to have someone RETURN that look – now that’s AMAZING!

I’m in my own way though and I don’t know what to do to correct this… I know what I want, but to get there is my issue. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know HOW to do it… I need to drop some walls down that, over time, I’ve learned to build up to protect myself. I need to open my eyes a little and learn to trust and believe what people are saying to me. I have to teach myself that not everyone is out to hurt me… How do I do this?

I have to learn to let old things go and learn how to make new things happen for myself. I have to allow myself to let people in enough so that I can enjoy life again. Is this possible? I have to teach myself how to forget the past and make room for the present and my future. Waiting for a bus to arrive that isn’t scheduled to come is what I’ve been doing so far… I have to move on, to let go, and ARRIVE!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Find the Time...

I know I haven’t written in awhile, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about y’all… Just haven’t found the energy to. Isn’t it bad when u don’t have the oomph to do what u love? To make the time to do something for yourself and what you enjoy? People, we have to do better! We find the time for everything else though don’t we? Things that don’t matter, things that can wait, things that others ask of us… We make time for all THOSE things, but when it comes to things for ourselves, we are placed on the back burner. Why is that? Do we not see ourselves as important as we see those who are asking things of us? I’m trying to make more time for myself. To raise my view of myself,TO MYSELF! No one else can do that for me! How I see myself is a reflection of how others will view me. Now that’s DEEP…

Friday, April 23, 2010

We HAD some good times…

Yes, I know I haven’t written in awhile – been busy... Been busy taking care of business, things I didn’t want to do, but things I know had to get done. Unfortunately, these things could only get done by me – Procrastination has reared its ugly head for too long already. How much more did I think I could take? Was I testing myself to see how bad things could/would get before I did anything? I guess I shouldn’t be hard on myself. Nothing wrong with sticking to my word for me and my family… Nothing wrong with it at all… Then why do I feel so bad? Bad maybe is the wrong word; maybe disappointed is a better one… Disappointment is one of the worse feelings in the world to me. It’s hard to return from it; hard to recover from it; hard to deal with it…

One thing people can’t call me is a quitter. That is one thing that I’m not. I’m a ride or die chick for the right person and even the wrong one… I give it my all, EVERYTHING gets my ALL. That’s what I do, that’s who I am. I give it all, because that’s what I expect in return. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. When standing in front of the LORD and professing your love to him and the world, why wouldn’t I give it my all?? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Why don’t people take it as serious as it is? Why are people so quick to give it all away for a roll in someone else’s hay? The grass may look greener on the other side but when you get up close, you realize that it was turf instead. When I then give you what you want by leaving, it is then when you try to come back to this green lush grass then you realize THIS grass is no longer yours to mow.

Life is LIFE LESSONS that are sometimes very hard to learn. It’s funny because regardless of those who take steps before it’s your turn to walk them, your feelings, opinions and reactions are yours and yours alone. No one else can tell you how to feel. No one else understands but you. It’s a lonely place to be. Alone with your feelings with really no one to turn too but YOU. It’s not a time to feel bad though, you know this decision is the best one you can have, but time lost, time spent, time wasted… WOW, none of those can you get back. It wasn’t a total waste of time. There were good times. There were children born. We HAD some good times…

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Why do we allow ourselves to believe things we know aren’t true? Is it because we allow our hearts to rule us instead of our minds? We want to believe things are the way we want them instead of how they really are. Reality is a HUGE pill to swallow when your well has run dry. People tell us who they are by the actions they make, not by the words they choose. We want to believe that people will change, that we are somehow different then the others who have been caused hurt by this person, but in REALITY, we are no better, no different then the ones before us. When you see something in front of you, don’t walk around it in order to avoid it, step to it with your eyes open so you can see it for what it is – REALITY. Reality won’t lie, won’t steer you wrong – it is what it is and we all need to deal with it.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Sometimes Tears Fall for No Reason...

Do you ever have tears fall for no reason, but you don't question it, you let them fall. You feel like crying heavily, slobbering, yelling out in pain, tears streaming faster, harder then ever before... Instead though, you try to be thick-skinned, stopping the emotions from erupting for fear of someone walking in or hearing you... Part of you wants to anyway so someone CAN hear you, hold you and tell you that things will get better... You secretly want the person who hurt you to see you, so they know what they've done, however you also know that they wouldn't care even if they did see...

Sometimes tears fall for no reason, should there be a reason? Is it wrong to just cry? It's not a weak emotion, for it takes a strong person to show their emotional side. A weak person would rather act like it doesn't exist at all. I cry. I cry when I'm happy, sad or mad, but sometimes, I cry just cause...

I have reasons to cry, I'm sure most of us do, but lately, tears just fall. They fall no matter where I am, out of the blue. Sometimes I feel it coming because of that undescribable knot in my throat and warns me of the outburst to come. I welcome it. I know that afterwards I will feel better, feel free, feel calm.

Movin' On?

Some people amaze me at how fast they can move on to other people after a break up. What does that mean exactly? Was the person they are no longer with that easy to get over or is the person they moved on to really not that important? Just someone to fill a gap perhaps? The nerve! Both the person you left and the newbie deserve more then that! People just don’t care about people anymore. Out for self gratification and nothing more. Way to go, selfish bastard, way to go…

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Our Own Kind??

I had a talk with someone recently about an incident that happened to her the other night. She was checking her mailbox at about 10:45 p.m. (yes it was late) and a man (who happened to be black) ran into the mailbox area. She lives in an apartment complex so her mailbox was incased in a small house of sorts with plenty of mailboxes surrounding hers. The first thing that popped into her mind was that she was alone, at night, with this black man. Now mind you he ran into the mailbox area seemingly out of breath and asking for her help. He seemed nervous which made her nervous as well. She motioned to the man to leave and asked several times to just leave her alone and to just let her get to her car. “Please!!” she begged him. Never did she pay attention to anything that he said UNTIL she was on the way out of the mailbox area and a police car pulled up. As she was getting into her car she overheard the man tell the police “He’s been beating me, I had to run, I just had to!” Apparently the man (as she thought) was actually a boy, who had been beaten by his father was reaching out to her for help and all she saw was a “black man”. Apparently he had been knocking on doors pleading for help and no one, including her helped him. When she figured out what happened, when she made it to her apartment, she let herself in and cried herself to sleep…

I didn’t want to mention until the end of the story that the person telling me this story was black too. She said to me, “Why has society made us so afraid of our own kind?” Wow… What a powerful question. I had no answer for her. None. Do you? To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to say to that story OR to her question... I'm not sure what I would've done differently if anything at all. It's hard to say unless placed in the situation. But one thing I tell you is I can't get that question out of my mind... Is it society? Is it our own insecurities? I think being placed in that situation myself, I would've been scared REGARDLESS of who would've walked/ran/jumped into that mailbox area at that time of night, which is why I don't usually check my mail at night in the first place. The best way to protect yourself is to not place yourself in bad situations... I know... Easier said then done...

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'm Tired...

Writing things down, getting my feelings out “By any means necessary”… It’s what I do to be able to deal with things that are bothering me. It’s good to have an outlet that’s easy for me to do, real cheap too! Doesn’t cost me a red cent! I’m scared to think of what I would do if I didn’t write… I’d either be an ALcoholic, an EAT-aholic, a SMOKE-aholic whatever came my way probably... (I’ve always made up my own words. Hey I don’t have to be “Webster” in order to do so! Lol) But I choose to write, it’s what I do – it’s who I am!

Sometimes my feelings overwhelm me to the point where I get either SUPER sad or SUPER angry and now since I’ve had my hysterectomy (couple of years ago) that could be in the matter of minutes – SECONDS even! I write a lot more frequently now. Things have to be said, things have to be done NOW for tomorrow is not promised. Why should I let these things fester? What I have to say is just as important as the next person.

I have issues as we all do; but mine just seem more important To ME because they are happening TO ME. Is that selfish? Nah, it’s my perspective as I’m sure your issues seem hella more important to you then mine do. Don’t get me wrong, my friends issues/problems are important to me because the chosen few that I call “friends” are family to me. Their issues are mine and although it’s rare that I can help them with their issues, I listen, I’m here, and I care!

Is this post all over the place? Maybe, but that’s how I’m feeling today – All Over the Place?! My brain is being pulled in several directions and right now and unfortunately down is easier to get to then UP… I know that is the wrong way to look at things and I try to be so positive MOST of the time, but I’m tired y’all… Really tired… I’m tired of “The B.S.!” There are lots of things that fit in this category and to tell you the truth, there are too many things to even list. Tired of being broke, tired of drama, tired of hurting (literally), tired of getting my feelings hurt – just fuckin’ tired!

Have you ever tried to fix your issues and no matter what you do, nothing gets better? I mean, I’ve hit so many brick walls – I’m bruised all over. “Just hold on” people say, I’m holding for dear life! I’m a soldier – I fight – not giving up now, tomorrow, or the day after that…

Tiki, remember Boo – you are not alone in this fight. There are others who are here with you in spirit and here day in and day out for you! That’s what I tell myself! This fight is not mine alone. I fight not just for me, but for my beautiful girls! Sometimes they look at me and make me feel like it’s just me and them against the world! I fight this fight for them! Hold on babygirls’ – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Affiliation!

Writing can be just as medicinal as someone’s medication.

It can ease the mind and render relaxation.

It can take your mind away like a vacation.

Makes me want to scream out like an acclamation!

Got mad love for it, more like adoration.

I want everyone to know my page – it’s my affiliation.

Writing can bring people together like a congregation.

I want to do it all the time because I have dedication.

Writing gets my anger out – extermination.

My words are my own, there’s no interrogation.

I hope people look up to me with inspiration.

My hard work may pay off with a publication.

Until then, I must constantly renew and restore – renovation.

However when that day arrives - VERIFICATION!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Do You Have a Rock??

No matter how strong you claim to be, there will always be something that will break you down. Not a total breakdown, but an emotional one for sure. We are mostly strong when we need to be, but those times when you are by yourself and you know you can let go, you will. Nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone needs time to get over something or someone that has wronged them. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," that's true but it doesn't feel like that at the time. You feel weak and alone and that no one in this world can understand you and your issues. This is when friends and family come into play. Those times are when you need to find someone to lean on, someone to confide in, someone who won't judge you and who understands. Not everyone is blessed to have this person, so if you have found this rock, lean on them with care. You will need them when you feel like everything else around you has crumbled.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Your Day Begins TODAY!!

Isn’t it hard sometimes to accept reality? Sometimes reality slaps you in the face without you being prepared for the hit. At that point, it’s time to get up, dust yourself off and realize that YOUR day begins TODAY! We all need to take charge in our lives and be responsible for our own actions. Today is the day we begin to realize that we can not be responsible for anyone else’s mistakes, but we are in charge of our own reactions to others’ mistakes. Just because someone does something wrong to me does not give me the right to go and wrong someone else. KARMA now that is one thing I will no longer mess with.

Why is it so easy for me to write people out of my life who make bad decisions in their own lives that I CAN’T deal with rather than people who have hurt me more than I should put up with? I’ve said this a lot lately because it is SO TRUE! I have the tendency to accept things that I shouldn’t or put up with things that I shouldn’t. The funny thing is when this is happening to me, while I’m in the moment I can NOW recognize it while it’s occurring. I can NOW recognize game where before I was trying hard to call it everything else then exactly what it was… GAME!! Guess I’m growing up… Maybe not “growing up” – wrong choice of words… Maybe now, I’m healing…

Thursday, March 04, 2010

What's Done in the Dark...

I don’t know where I heard this from but the saying goes, “What’s done in the dark shall come to the light” meaning everything we do in secret (in the dark) will come out in the open (to the light). If you don’t believe this saying, just ask any cheater who has gotten busted and is now alone or no longer with the person they cheated on. Anyone who has read my blog knows how I feel about cheating so I’m not going to continue to rehash that mess today. It goes back to the post I had the other day, me feeling someone else’s issues. I recognize myself in so many people and it pains me sometimes that they don’t see things that are right in front of them… I guess I don’t either sometimes…

There comes a point though with me, when I can no longer take or deal with the drama that is being brought to my life from other people. It’s at that point when I remove them from my life, period! The relationship, regardless of what it is or was, becomes no longer necessary to me… In fact, it becomes a hindrance and at that point an “annoyance” to me. There are some people that just need to be removed in order to move on with YOUR life... Regardless if it’s a friend, a family member, an associate, WHOEVER they may be... Deletions are occurring everyday around this peace, please believe!!

Some people may think this is harsh of me, but I’ve always been the type of person to not give a rat’s ass about other people’s opinions of me! You can believe what you wish of me, I don’t care just like you do not have to care what my opinion is of you. Your decisions, whether they be good or bad doesn’t matter to me UNTIL it impacts my life or the life of my children. At that point, the relationship WILL BE DEALT WITH. The easiest thing to do is to cut the bad out of my life and then rejoice on the good that is left behind…

Monday, March 01, 2010

Every Problem is Not Mine to Fix...

I have got to realize one day soon, that I can not allow myself to be upset by things that I have NO CONTROL OVER or that do not concern me, but are issues that my friends are dealing with.. I keep telling myself over and over again that I need to control this, give advice without melting myself with their situation. Both my children have told me, “Mom, that’s not your business” OR “Mom, you can’t fix that.” (Smart kids I have.) It drives me nuts to know that something is wrong that may not have any affect on me at all, but it may concern someone I care about. It feels as though that issue is mine to deal with as well. I want to fix that problem so that it no longer exists for them ESPECIALLY if it is something that I have dealt with. Why would I want to see someone deal with the same issues as I’ve experienced? Why re-invent the wheel? Why is it that we do not heed the advice from others who have been down a path that we are currently traveling? Is it sooo hard for us to fathom that someone can help us? Is it that we do not want to hear or admit that we are in the wrong and need help?

Friday, February 19, 2010

A Press Conference!? Really?

Why would someone feel the need to give a press conference about cheating? If that’s the case, press conferences would need their own network! CPCN – Cheating Press Conference Network. Yes, he needed to apologize to his wife, kids, and family for being a loser. Yes, he should apologize to the company’s who will lose money as a result of him BEING a loser, but really, a press conference?? I see press conferences for IMPORTANT MATTERS that affect us all, you know like 9/11 or something happening to our beloved president (not jinxing at all) but I mean something that is HIGHLY necessary to reach the masses… Tiger being a hoe? Not one of ‘em…

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Season?

When you think you are all alone in the world someone comes forward with the same issues or problems as you are experiencing… People say: “Things happen for a reason” or “People come into your life for a reason” (or is it a season?) At the moment you are happy that someone understands your position, what you’re going through, the feelings you are having… Then the next emotion is sadness because then you realize this person is hurting too, because someone has hurt them… Why do some people thrive on hurting others? Why are some people so selfish they only see themselves and the current situation with no regards to the consequences of their actions? Why do some things happen to people that don’t deserve the pain they are caused? Not that I want “bad” people to feel pain either, but it doesn’t seem fair. Of course life isn’t fair, but why isn’t it? We all want to be happy and want the best for ourselves, but must that include causing others pain?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Obama's State of the Union Address 1/27/10

Linked above is the State of the Union Address given by President Obama last night... Just in case some of you missed it! If you are seeing this on Facebook, go to my site: to view it in it's entirety!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Janelle, The Big 1-0!!

When your youngest becomes double digit age you begin to notice things you probably haven't before: lines on your face that weren't there, body creeks and pops, the independence of your children... It's eye opening! It's great to see, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing!

Janelle, she turns 10 today and she is the most sweetest, sensitive, helpful, kind, loving child in the world! She loves art, animals, everything and EVERYONE!! She's honest, caring, and a social butterfly!! She is smart, gorgeous, beautiful inside and out!! My babygirl, my youngest, the other half of my world! Momma loves you today, tomorrow, yesterday and all days before and after that!! You bring smiles to everyone who your smile touches! A gift in a world full of turbulence! I love you!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Who Dat?!

(Let me begin by saying that is NOT my booty in that shot, but I love the logo on the pants!!)

Football!!! Colts vs. Saints!! Get outta here!! Two of my teams playin’ each other for the prize!! I knew my teams wouldn’t let me down this year!! I’ve been asked over and over again who my choice would be outta the Colts OR the Saints for winning the Super Bowl… Honestly, I love both!! Peyton and the Colts have been to the Super Bowl so many times; that I think that ALONE has me pushing more for the Saints!! The Saints have had a helluva season and a win would just push me over the edge!!

I’ve heard all kinda reasons as to why the Saints won last night: Adrian Peterson’s two million fumbles, Brett being hurt, the officials being one sided, the crowd noise.. You name it I’ve heard it! Not saying I don’t love Brett Favre, but why not just say the Saints played a helluva game?! Brett wouldn’t have gotten STUCK as many times as he did without his line not having his back OR his front for that matter!! Why not call it for what it is??

The Colts and the Jets – Peyton… Love ya boy!! I know your brother has to admire you and I saw him in the Press Box cheering you on!! You deserve it too, year after year, game after game – you pull through!

Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl this year, huh?! Wassup with that? Not that I don’t LOVE it but why? What was the reason behind it? Anyway, two more weeks of football and then sadness and depression sets in when the season is over and we begin longing for next season to begin… Wish it could go on all year round… Who Dat?!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Right is Just RIGHT!!!

Ever wondered the type of mind frame people are working with?? Sometimes the things people say or the angle in which people view some situations just throw you for a loop and they leave you questioning yourself and your own view?? I know we are all different, but right is just RIGHT, isn’t it?? The extent of WRONG that some people will venture to just amazes those of us who don’t think that way. None of us are without fault, which I’ve said many a time before now and will continue to state that well known FACT, however, just because we all have them, doesn’t mean we should do wrong for the sake of doing wrong with NO conscience, NO apologies, and NO concern for anyone but yourself! Americans are known around the world for being materialistic, selfish, greedy, rude, and any other negative adjective you can mention. Why should we continue to uphold these ideas of US by making the horrible day in and day out choices that we do! URGHHH!!


You never know who is watchin' you and the decisions you make in your life. You could be someone's inspiration and NEVER know it! STAY positive, STAY true to yourself, and STAY STRONG!!

I've been goin' thru something in my life recently... I came to my desk this morning and there was a card in my chair... I opened the card and there was a $50 bill in the card and the hand written message said, "Stay Strong!" Wow.. What a blessing!! It wasn't signed by anyone... They don't know what an impact this has had on me and I don't know what impact I've had on them... AMAZING!!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Help Haiti!!

"Donations to the International Response Fund can be sent to:

American Red Cross

P.O. Box 37243

Washington, D.C. 20013

OR made by phone at 1-800-REDCROSS or 1-800-257-7575 (Spanish) or online at"

From the Red Cross website

Friday, January 08, 2010

Sweet 16!!!

My oldest will be celebrating her sixteenth birthday tomorrow and I’m full of emotions… This was my babygirl! It was just me and her for awhile and no one else on this Earth mattered! She was all I had for awhile and she is one of my two reasons for doing what I do! Teenagers can be a handful and she is not without her issues, but we all have them and I’m blessed to say that she has overcame obstacles that a lot of youngsters would not have been able to. She is my rock, my friend, and half the reason I exist (the other half’s birthday is on the 26th of this month where she’ll be hitting double digits! The big 1-0!) What can I say besides, Shantel, Momma loves you and I’m blessed to be your Mother!