Thursday, May 12, 2011

Storm and THEN the CALM...

Usually my mood does not coincide with the weather but TODAY tears flow as the rain falls... I can’t get a hold of myself today… As one of my friends told me this morning, “Tiki, you always encourage other folks” and I try to, but every once in awhile I am the one who needs encouragement. Recently, I have been overwhelmingly emotional and I believe the MAIN reason is because I haven’t dealt with the feelings of my divorce. Wow.. I just had an “Aha Moment” just then.. The things you find out by writing…

I try to hide my emotions from my kids, by that I mean tears since the separation/divorce.. I want them to feel protected and experience the feeling of “My Mom’s GOT THIS!” Every once in awhile though, I break down.. It’s usually in the car by myself or in the bathroom where I can cover the sobs with water running.. Recently though, it’s been rough…

I wrote about it last year during a rough patch “Tears Fall for No Reason” and I guess it’s that time again.. I don’t know, I guess things are harder for me than I let on.. The appearance of a STRONG person is easier to portray than a DEVASTATED one…

This is the storm and I’ll return to calm once this is all over.. I need my time.. My emotions are raw and are mine to hash through… Just.. Give me my time…

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Be Patient...

Tapping into your emotional self is important for your personal growth as well as for your growth in other relationships... I have been told that I have allowed a prior relationship to make me “tap out” which isn’t surprising to me, but it is surprising that others can see something that I could barely see myself. I’m worn out, I agree but “tapping out” isn’t something I’m known for. I’m glad this friend took it upon herself to enlighten me on something that I need to work on. That’s a true friend right there and I love her dearly for it!

The relationship she is referring to has left me emotionally drained and confused on things that I know should not be hard to determine. It has left me wanting things, longing for things that have not previously been important to me but now seem MONSTROUS in size and I can’t look beyond them… So what should be done?? Unfortunately only I can answer this question... I’ve been fighting this for awhile now and need assistance with it; however that is also something that I’m not used to doing as well...

You know when you long for something that you once had and no longer have around you? This is different… This is longing for something that you’ve NEVER had… It’s wanting something that you’ve seen other people with but you know nothing of how it feels to have… It’s the oddest thing.. The hardest thing… It’s one thing to long for something that you’ve had, it’s quite another to want something you’ve NEVER had and have no idea how having THAT THING can be… On top of all that’s its hella frustrating and you can’t be satisfied until you get what that THING is… I want it badly and it’s up to me to get it… In order to receive this THING, I have to be willing, open, and accepting of it when it comes my way.. So, what do I do in the mean time?? Be patient…

Thursday, May 05, 2011

SHIT?

I want that soap opera love shit, that love that you only see on tv shit

I had that Lifetime channel shit, now I want that life time long shift

Not that hit you in the eye ‘til it’s swole shit, but that hit you in the heart that never gets old shit

I want that monogamous shit, that love that’s only between me and you type shit

I want that equal shit, that one on one, only me and you type shit

I’ll give all my shit to you type shit, for you to give all of you to me type shit

Do you think this shit exists? Or is all this shit some bull type shit?

I know this shit exists, cuz I’ve seen this type shit

But why does my shit always end up just being… SHIT?

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I'm Doing This For Me!

Not everyone will understand you, your issues and what you’ve been through but is it really FOR them to comprehend? I mean, does it matter if they don’t? I believe there are some people in this world whose sole purpose is to cause harm... I mean EVERYONE has their role in this life and unfortunately not everyone was placed in yours to be good to you. It sucks to think of this that way but how else is there to think of it? I’m sure everyone has SOMEONE in their life that causes nothing but hurt and either you can get that person out of your life or you have to deal with their mess… Either way, they are a part/were a part of your existence, unfortunately…

So then the next question is “How do you deal with them while they are IN your life?” Your survival must be centered on your well being and with this person there your happiness can be jeopardized. So, what do you do? The easy answer would be to remove this person from your surroundings but THAT is not as easy as it sounds… Certain circumstances can hinder this from occurring… So then what? Since you can not remove them, remove yourself? That can open up another case of the “why are you doing this to ME?” The best answer to this question for me is, “I’m not doing anything TO you, I’m doing this FOR me!”