So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".
Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...
Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.
Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...
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