Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Am Important To ME!

There are people in this world who don’t know the negative affect they have on others. I’m not sure if it’s that they don’t know or they don’t care. To me, those are two very different things. To “not know” is innocent, forgivable. To “not care” is wicked and inexcusable.

There comes a time when people who are in the situation become fed up and are willing to lose the love of those around them just to not have to endure the pain that this person is causing. Is it worth it to be free in mind and spirit? YES, by all means. When you walk around and your heart and mind are heavy, it’s not good for you or anyone else. BUT, to be free – is wonderful! Think of all the time the person who is causing the pain is walking around free without a care in the world while, YOU on the other hand, have anger, sadness and frustration inside. Imagine what you are missing out on and the fun this person is having. While you are distraught, they don’t have a care in the world. Why should you continue to do this to yourself?

I mentioned “lose the love of those around them” early in this post. Now that is a sticky situation there. You won’t know you have lost anything until what is said is said OR when what is done is done. Is it worth it, I’m not sure – however, I’d rather be straight up and protect myself than to continue to protect someone else who might not need my help. Is that selfish? Maybe – but everyone needs to take time for themselves at one point. You can’t continue to live your life for someone else. When is it your time to be important? When are you going to say enough is enough – I am important to ME!

Hopefully you won’t lose that love of someone in the process of taking control of your own feelings. Hopefully that person will understand that your feelings are important and recognize that what you are doing is both for you and for them. If not, if they love you, they will get over it, after all, you were tired of taking an emotional beating for them. It’s time they stand on their own feet while you stand on yours. It will feel good to only worry about you and not be concerned with protecting them. Life is too short to be worried all the time, especially for things that MIGHT be or how someone MIGHT feel.

I am important to ME! Are YOU important to YOU?


holly said...

People who act shitty get snip snipped. Just ask my poor 92 year old crabby grandma why I don't call her anymore. I got sick of the criticism, the negativity, the mean comments, and decided to give myself a break. I still love her, but also decided to see her just over the holidays and gave myself permission to have that be enough. Why should I endure verbal abuse from this woman or any person just because "I'm supposed to, she's your grandmother...". I don't let anyone tell me how to act, how to feel or what to do. And for all of you a-holes that don't have a grandma and are shocked I can be so insensitive, go visit someone in a nursing home if you're that needy of a grandma to fill that gap in your life. I don't need your criticism too. Because I do love ME Tiki!!!

sunny said...

Those who know me, know that I am all about confronting feelings head on (sorry to those I've hurt by doing this, but I have to be real - and hurting someone else has never been my intention). Often, there are misunderstandings that people aren't even aware of and all of that time spent worrying/thinking about it was wasted - the other person didn't even realize there was an issue. It isn't worth the energy in harboring those feelings - to thine own self be true.

The first question is, is the relationship even worth trying to save, or is it an unhealthy relationship? If it is unhealthy, say what you need to say and get out - no regrets. You have to take care of your own emotional well being.

Now, that being said, if the relationship is worth saving, then it is time to start thinking about how to handle the confrontation. Every choice we make has the possibility of achieving our desired results, or having fall out and turning a whole new direction. By trying to be true to yourself and your feelings, trying to help someone to see your perspective or better understand your feelings, it has the possibility of being the best thing ever - clearing the air, helping someone to correct behaviors that are barriers in your relationship or in their life in general - or being taken in a negative, judgmental way, putting them on the defensive. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is am I okay with however it turns out, and what do I really hope happens as a result of the confrontation?

The stress of these situations could be avoided if we could just learn to always confront issues when they arise, not hiding behind our fears and allowing our feelings to build up over the years. As we mature, I think we get closer to taking this approach - hence the stereotype of the grumpy old man/woman who doesn't take anyone's crap anymore. We learn to stop playing the games and we learn to be honest with our feelings. I do think part of growing up and being mature is working on how to do this as well. How do we be true to ourselves without being hurtful to others? How do we confront our feelings and emotions without trying to be rude? This is best achieved when we learn to take ownership of our feelings and perceptions and take care not to tell others what they are doing wrong (Counseling 101 - Using I statements when confronting people).

This is something that I am still working on (yes, even in my old age I haven't perfected this one and don't expect that I ever will). When I walk away from a situation and find that the conversation is still on my mind, then I know I haven't adequately handled the situation and I need to go back and say what I felt should have been said in the first place. I've learned to simply say, "I was thinking about our conversation, and I feel that there is still something I need to say," or something like that. Something to give me that second chance to say what I needed to and to help me to get over my feelings.

We only find ourselves in these predicaments when we have held our tongues for so long that there doesn't seem to be a place to start the conversation. Maybe we all need to get better about not letting it get to that point in the first place.

My question to you, is what do we do about those missed opportunities in life, where things should have been said but weren't? What is our obligation to ourselves in these situations? Is there ever a time when we shouldn't confront these issues and should try to move past them and keep them in the closet?