LIFE Moves On...

The time in-between my posts are becoming longer and longer and that bothers me.. I’m not sure if the time that it’s taking me to write is because I can’t pull myself to write anything or is it because I have nothing to say.. Those of you who know me know that I ALWAYS have something to say so what is it?? Writing is my outlet, my hobby, my past time, my “VISE” (previous post) so why haven’t I been writing then?? I think it’s because I’m either not sure of what I’m going to say or it’s because I don’t want to deal with the feelings I’m experiencing..

I knew these days would come.. I’ve dreaded them for weeks now. The anniversaries of my wedding and my divorce are side by side, right next to each other… It’s been a year since my divorce so why does this bother me still? I know it’s ONLY been a year but shouldn’t I be ok? Shouldn’t I be over this? My friend described divorce as a “death of a marriage” and with any death there is pain.. With any death there are memories.. With any death there is loss..

You know you never go into anything with the thought of it NOT working out. Of it NOT following through.. Of it NOT being all that it can be.. On the day of our wedding, me and my Ex were surrounded by folks who did not want us to be together. We were the only 2 in the room who saw any promise in US. Were we blind? Were we too in love to care? I was.. I wanted us to prove everyone in that room wrong. I wanted to show them that we could do anything we put our minds to. I wanted us to be something that no one in that room thought that we could be. Unfortunately, everyone was right… That’s a GIGANTIC pill to swallow.. Everyone KNEW we would fail, and we did.. Wow.

So, how do you pull yourself up from where you have fallen? Sheessh, I don’t know.. I wish I DID know so I can help someone else with this.. Somehow, you just DO! If you have children like me who look up to you, you just DO it! You just get up and make it happen; you’ll have time to cry later! Time moves on, LIFE moves on! You have to prove to your children and yourself that you can cross what ever bridge lies in front of you with no FEAR and NO DOUBT! It’s hard, I won’t tell it isn’t, BUT it’s NECESSARY! Your children learn from YOU! YOU are their inspiration! You are their STRENGTH! If that’s not MOTIVATION for you, then I don’t know what is…

I’ll get passed these next few days as I’ve gotten passed the last few.. With my head held high, my chest poked out and belief in myself that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I’m not a religious person, but I’m a spiritual one! I KNOW I couldn’t have survived the things I’ve been through in my life without HIM and I will continue to as long as he is by my side.

So now, I sit before you a changed person; a stronger person who is ready to receive what lies before me. I’m ready to move forward and to accept what is being given to me. My life is for me to live and not wallow on what could’ve been or what I should’ve done. I’ve learned from every situation I’ve found myself in. I’ve seen what mistakes I’ve made and they will not be repeated! Life is full of lessons. It’s what you do with what you’ve learned that will make the difference…

Storm and THEN the CALM...

Usually my mood does not coincide with the weather but TODAY tears flow as the rain falls... I can’t get a hold of myself today… As one of my friends told me this morning, “Tiki, you always encourage other folks” and I try to, but every once in awhile I am the one who needs encouragement. Recently, I have been overwhelmingly emotional and I believe the MAIN reason is because I haven’t dealt with the feelings of my divorce. Wow.. I just had an “Aha Moment” just then.. The things you find out by writing…

I try to hide my emotions from my kids, by that I mean tears since the separation/divorce.. I want them to feel protected and experience the feeling of “My Mom’s GOT THIS!” Every once in awhile though, I break down.. It’s usually in the car by myself or in the bathroom where I can cover the sobs with water running.. Recently though, it’s been rough…

I wrote about it last year during a rough patch “Tears Fall for No Reason” and I guess it’s that time again.. I don’t know, I guess things are harder for me than I let on.. The appearance of a STRONG person is easier to portray than a DEVASTATED one…

This is the storm and I’ll return to calm once this is all over.. I need my time.. My emotions are raw and are mine to hash through… Just.. Give me my time…

Be Patient...

Tapping into your emotional self is important for your personal growth as well as for your growth in other relationships... I have been told that I have allowed a prior relationship to make me “tap out” which isn’t surprising to me, but it is surprising that others can see something that I could barely see myself. I’m worn out, I agree but “tapping out” isn’t something I’m known for. I’m glad this friend took it upon herself to enlighten me on something that I need to work on. That’s a true friend right there and I love her dearly for it!

The relationship she is referring to has left me emotionally drained and confused on things that I know should not be hard to determine. It has left me wanting things, longing for things that have not previously been important to me but now seem MONSTROUS in size and I can’t look beyond them… So what should be done?? Unfortunately only I can answer this question... I’ve been fighting this for awhile now and need assistance with it; however that is also something that I’m not used to doing as well...

You know when you long for something that you once had and no longer have around you? This is different… This is longing for something that you’ve NEVER had… It’s wanting something that you’ve seen other people with but you know nothing of how it feels to have… It’s the oddest thing.. The hardest thing… It’s one thing to long for something that you’ve had, it’s quite another to want something you’ve NEVER had and have no idea how having THAT THING can be… On top of all that’s its hella frustrating and you can’t be satisfied until you get what that THING is… I want it badly and it’s up to me to get it… In order to receive this THING, I have to be willing, open, and accepting of it when it comes my way.. So, what do I do in the mean time?? Be patient…

SHIT?

I want that soap opera love shit, that love that you only see on tv shit

I had that Lifetime channel shit, now I want that life time long shit

Not that hit you in the eye ‘til it’s swole shit, but that hit you in the heart that never gets old shit

I want that monogamous shit, that love that’s only between me and you type shit

I want that equal shit, that one on one, only me and you type shit

I’ll give all my shit to you type shit, for you to give all of you to me type shit

Do you think this shit exists? Or is all this shit some bull type shit?

I know this shit exists, cuz I’ve seen this type shit

But why does my shit always end up just being… SHIT?

I'm Doing This For Me!

Not everyone will understand you, your issues and what you’ve been through but is it really FOR them to comprehend? I mean, does it matter if they don’t? I believe there are some people in this world whose sole purpose is to cause harm... I mean EVERYONE has their role in this life and unfortunately not everyone was placed in yours to be good to you. It sucks to think of this that way but how else is there to think of it? I’m sure everyone has SOMEONE in their life that causes nothing but hurt and either you can get that person out of your life or you have to deal with their mess… Either way, they are a part/were a part of your existence, unfortunately…

So then the next question is “How do you deal with them while they are IN your life?” Your survival must be centered on your well being and with this person there your happiness can be jeopardized. So, what do you do? The easy answer would be to remove this person from your surroundings but THAT is not as easy as it sounds… Certain circumstances can hinder this from occurring… So then what? Since you can not remove them, remove yourself? That can open up another case of the “why are you doing this to ME?” The best answer to this question for me is, “I’m not doing anything TO you, I’m doing this FOR me!”

Soul Search'n...

MY world is a complex one… One that needs explanation but there are no words to describe it that exists at the moment… Sometimes I feel all alone with my issues, pondering how to get out of these situations, out of these problems, out of my life… I know I have to continue on my way because I have two children counting on me to do so but I feel like I’m on my own fighting, wishing and praying for a way out, but the answer doesn’t seem to be available for me or what I see is so blurry and convoluted that nothing seems clear…

So what should be done to fix this? No one has any answers or any solutions for me… Nothing that I do works so what’s left then? What is to be done to fix the shyt that’s going on? It sucks when you do all that you can do to correct something but nothing changes… Although I’m NO quitter, sometimes I feel like giving up is the way to go… It’s the easiest thing to do for sure… It seems that it’s the way out, but is it really the answer?

When everyone else has given up on you, it feels so good to know that you still have ONE person in your corner… Sometimes, I am this person for folks, but, where do I go when I need someone in MY corner?? I know GOD is there for me and always has been; however sometimes I need someone HERE to lean on…

I know this may sound a little depressing to read, but sometimes even the most POSITIVE folks you know have down days…The key is to not allow these down DAYS to multiply and become “down weeks”… I’ll pull myself outta this slump I’m in, but until then, I have some soul searching to do…

Give, REGARDLESS?

What if the appreciation you seek from someone outside of yourself is not returned? Does that mean that you didn’t do enough for them OR does that mean that who you did it for was not worthy of receiving your gifts? Either way, the feeling that you have after this will be hard to deal with, but you have to remember that when we do things for other people it is for the good of OURSELVES whether it is accepted or not.. You hope that it will be well received but in the end, you tried… You attempted to do good for someone else REGARDLESS of how it was interpreted, taken, denied or not returned… Just think, if doing something for someone else didn’t have any good intentions behind it for you, then nothing GOOD will come out of it at all if it wasn’t received…

Now, with all that being said, is that SELFISH to do things for the good of YOU? Maybe, but during Christmas time we say it is “Better to GIVE than to RECEIVE.” What does that mean? Same instance as here, but for some reason some people whom we consistently/constantly give TO do not deserve our attempts… So, do we stop giving or do we stop caring that it’s not received??

Simpler...

Good things CAN happen on bad days, you just have to acknowledge them when they occur… I’m trying to do better with things in my life and notice things (good and bad) faster than I have been accustomed to doing… This allows me to react accordingly and much faster then I have previously… I believe if I would’ve done this sooner, my life would have gone down a different path then it has… It’s not too late for changes to be made! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.. Just may take longer, you have to be more patient, and the tricks may need to be simpler…

Edification...

It hurts when you recognize that someone is hurting as you have, made the same mistakes that you did, and that has the same negative thoughts that you had.. Then you realize that you had to go through those same things to become the person you are today.. Be thankful for the trials/tribulations you've experienced, those hard times have taught you invaluable life lessons that no book, teacher, or class could have…

I’m not knockin’ teachers, books, or classrooms I mean I’ve worked in colleges and universities for most of my adult life. What I’m saying is that life lessons can have EDUCATION in it that you can not receive from a book. Experience can have more schooling in it then any degree can.. Now as I said before, I’m not knockin’ education, I’m sayin’ that edification can come without a degree…

I am hella FEISTY!!

There are people in this world who r gonna wanna try you,

Give ‘em all a door and push their ass and their ‘ttude thru,

I’m tired of this bullshit and the game of who wanna hurt who,

Just keep it pushin’, keep it steppin’ and try somebody else Boo!

I’m not ur doormat for u to walk on, ur games don’t get no play here,

I see thru u and yo shit and on this face they’ll be no tears,

Tell the mothafuckaz who r witchu I have no fear,

While all my homies got my back and ready with THEIR own gear!

No one standing by will be needed or even necessary,

I’m ready for you and you can call all of my adversaries,

You’ll NEED those who will attempt or wanna try me,

Cuz I’ve been told thru out my years that I am hella feisty!!

Speaks...

As he stands there at the mic with his eyez closed in deep concentration

Preparing to let the words flow from his divided lips, his art touches me

In a way I can’t explain nor do I want to. It’s something I hold dear,

Something that is for me and me alone to wonder where his mind is, as he

Strokes MY mind, body and soul with his gems.. I sit there unknowingly drifting

Side to side while I listen and fly slowly out of the room to where he takes me with his

Expressions. He opens his eyes and sees a crowded room while all the time I see

Only him. He speaks again and I begin to soar oh so softly out of the room again and I only,

See him, hear him, feel him just in those words he so softly…

Speaks...

Worth Shoutin'!

All that glitters AIN’T diamonds,

Day in and day out, I’m grindin’,

It’s in me to succeed so I’m tryin',

You know me, no need for remindin’

What I want and deserve is worth findin’

All the hills and mountains I’m still climbin’

All the while on my face I am smilin’

Things I want are worth all my fightin’

There are folks in my way I’m removin’

What they want they won’t get so I’m blockin’

Their hands and their feet – they aren’t landin’

This fight, I’m smirkin’cuz I’m winnin’

This direction I’m in now is preparin’

Me for what I knew all along, I’m transformin’

Which makes the outcomes I receive worth shoutin’!

LIE

What is there that I DESPISE

More than a LIE

Regardless of WHY…

Makes me CRY

While my insides DIE

And what do you IMPLY

That you’d rather DEFY

My feelings and TRY

To fix things BY

Explaining and trying to BUY

Yourself time to APPLY

The answers I RELY

So heavily on to SUPPLY

Myself some relief and I TRY

To understand before I become SHY

And say to you... GoodBYE…

Stoves

Why does it take some of us so many times to go through something to realize the hurt in it? It’s like watching a kid touch a stove and burning themselves… The next time they approach the stove slowly because they are EXPECTING to get burned; however they become confused when they touch it and DON’T get burned, not realizing that the stove isn’t even on at all this time. After this occurs, you see the child once more approaching the stove but THIS time, they don’t hesitate at all because they remember that they were not burned the last time they touched it, however THIS TIME, the stove is on and they ONCE AGAIN are burnt… People have to figure out things for themselves regardless how many times you tell them…

What is with dealing with people in our lives that are our “STOVES”? Is it the fact that we never know what we are going to get or is it the UNKNOWN that excites us? Why be fascinated by the unknown at all? Wouldn’t it better to KNOW that you will NOT get hurt than to be uncertain of WHEN the hurt will occur? Stoves have many different degrees; however they ALSO have an off switch! In order to ensure you will no longer be tempted or hurt by the stove in your life, cut it off so that you can be confident that it will no longer hurt you. People, we gotta do better!

Potpourri IV

Well I can’t believe I’ve written 200+ blog posts here on Blogger!! I guess I truely have had a lot of things to say… That part doesn’t surprise me but the fact that I’ve gotten everything out that I’ve wanted to say DOES. I know that may be shocking to some people but I’m not the same person that I used to be… I’m more insightful now and I tend to look at things differently than I used to… I look out more for ME now and less about what others need or want. I’ve gone through some HEAVY things in my life… I’ve been through it all and have overcome it all. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been and I’m more in touch with the world around me more than ever before.

I’ve come to the realization that things are as they are for a reason. The reasons aren’t usually clear at the moment, but when that moment has passed I have been able to see WHY it has happened the way that it has. You don’t always have to be the WINNER in a situation to be better because of it… Every situation has learning potential. What you choose to take out of a situation is what will teach you more about yourself than what the situation itself has… I’m more positive now than ever… I see things in a different light than ever before… Maybe it’s because “40” isn’t that far off or because I’m more mature now, I don’t know… I’ve been mature for most of my life although I can clown around with the best of them. I’m a deep chick though, best believe. My life’s situations have made me see things sometimes that other people don’t see. Me being so BLUNT about things can cause friction with some, but MAINLY viewed as love from MOST.

“So Tiki, what are you sayin’?” Nothing and everything.. Something and Nothing. It’s “Potpourri IV”! I don’t have to have a reason to write. My reason to write is the reason itself.

Silent Living Hell...

Does the truth really, “set you free” or does it leave you open for judgment to be placed upon you? I guess it may depend upon the situation but it’s that very question that lead most people to remain silent about what it is they are going through.

I’ve been through some things in my life, some of which I wish I should have remained silent about, but what would that have gotten me? I would have been in a silent living hell with no one to talk to, no one to vent to, no one to rescue me if need be which isn’t good either. I understand NOW, after speaking up about things that this way may not be the answer either. So what IS the answer then? Why does society PREY on the VICTIM instead of the GUILTY? Sound like SOCIETY is preying on each another instead of PRAYING FOR one another…

Just Cuz...

Sometimes I know where a blog post is going and sometimes I sit and just let my “fingers do the walking”… I guess today seems like the later… Sometimes I write because I have things to get off my chest when all the other words have already been said and other times I write “Just Cuz”… Have you ever done something or said something, “Just Cuz”? That’s usually the answer you give when either the REAL answer is either not known or too painful to say out loud… I’m not sure which one this is for, I just know that it is what it is…

I’ve been REAL sensitive lately to things that I think people around me don’t understand why I feel the way I do and it’s been a mystery to me also. I just know that I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge my feelings when they happen. I also know that I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. My feelings, my beliefs, and my opinions are MINE and with that, I’ll leave just as it is.

I don’t think I’ve spent time dealing with certain things and I think that I probably should have… Whenever the time comes for me to have the opportunity to deal with these issues, it is THEN that I will deal with it. During my time as I see fit not when others feel like I should or when others want me to. It is THEN that I’ll cry, scream, yell and be angry and when someone asks me why I did what I’ve done, my answer will be, “JUST CUZ”…

Please Move Around...

Yes I guess I have taken this “protect yourself at all costs” to a new level. Maybe what I’ve done now is create more work than necessary to get in deep with me. But on whose standards should I base this on? I know that I am worth something and I know that I deserve to be treated well and with respect. I will not settle for less than that. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. It’s fine with me either way. It’s that “shit or get off the pot” mentality. Either get on the bus or not, but don’t get on and complain about the trip. You accepted your surroundings when you arrived at the terminal and stepped foot on the transportation. I may be taking what I’ve experienced out onto the next person who chooses to be in my life, but I’ve been conditioned to be the way I am, and I’m not changing for anyone NOR am I asking for you to change for me. So if this is too much for you or if you are not willing to deal with how I am, then by all means PLEASE move around and let someone who IS willing be next in line…

Happy New Year! We Welcome You, 2011!

New Year resolutions are easier to set then to accomplish. I’m looking to make goals or changes in my life that will lead to a better happier me. Everyone could stand to make some changes as long as they are for the better.

Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

This time of year the Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I've been through some heavy things this year which I will not recreate in my future. Some things will need to be left behind in order for my future to be different than how my past has been...

Be safe tonight and every night... Make thought out choices and think BEYOND THE MOMENT!! So many people make decisions based on TODAY without any thought whatsoever to TOMORROW... Happy New Year 2 u all! Much luv and *smooches*!

Christmas Past, Present and Future...

So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".

Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...

Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.

Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...