Monarch

Monarch butterfly, fly high and fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Beautiful to watch, beautiful to observe, beautiful to see

Strong in flight, strong in faith, strong in her beliefs

Blessed are we that you gave me and my brothers our lovely Mom

Who shows us love whether we’re right or whether we’re wrong

Grandma now joins Grandaddy and Meechy in that heavenly place

Where I hope to join them one day, please make me some space

Her stories, her bible verses, her songs were ever present

God and Jesus were her strength and she loved them both at great length

She made sure we were aware of who they were and what they meant

Made sure we were baptized and of our sins we repent

Monarch butterfly, fly high and please fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don’t know what I will say or do

Makes me nervous and scared sometimes too

Sometimes my replies are reactions and nothing more

Calculated though sometimes, I want to settle the score

Although sometimes I react with thought and precision

Sometimes my reactions have goals and visions

That sometimes occurs when I’m not ready to behold

Sometimes my words flow like rivers of gold

Sometimes I spend time on things that don’t matter at all

Sometimes I lend a hand to others when they fall

Sometimes that person who falls is me and I see

That sometimes I fall to increase the strength that I need

Without Them...

I wonder if these breaks in my writing will continue or will I become inspired again… I guess inspired may be the wrong word here but maybe my NEED to write has certainly slowed down. There was a time I HAD to write in order to get my feelings out so that I can truly let them go, but I’ve changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed for the better or for the worse… I know I’m a stronger person NOW than I’ve ever been and that isn’t bad at all. Some people think that bad relationships aren’t good for you but I disagree. You learn a lot about yourself while going through the hardest times in your life. These are the times that we become a stronger, better person. I’m not sure if that would necessarily happen without trials and tribulations, but I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

Silence...

Silence… Something I should practice more of instead of putting words on my fist like boxing gloves.

Words can be daggers, knives or guns The battles I’ve lost total more than I’ve won.

No battles have winners if you stop and think. Just time lost during the fights and it’s gone in a blink.

What are we fighting for sometimes no one knows. A relationship can be over just as fast as the wind blows.

Everyone loses there are rarely winners you see. Sometimes silence is needed in order to agree.

The Day Our Eyes Met

The smile on my face covers the tears in my eyes.

I'm stronger than u'll ever realize..

My mind wants to shout but my mouth just grins

instead of hitting yo punk azz in the chin...

The words that I say approach with such haste

Gives my mouth such a horrible taste.

I can’t stop them coming they flow with such ease

I must stop living for you but for ME…

U’re all I know, all I have, all I want in this life

Why must u cause me such sickness and strife?

A love like this is wonderful and rare

I must take it and give it to someone who’ll care

Sometimes I sit, stop and think

If I didn’t respond to that first wink

What would my life have been

If I didn’t choose to let u in.

But in this life there are no regrets

No love lost, no boxes unchecked

We are what we were and nothing less

The day our lives changed, the day our eyes met

Nice Place...

I’m at a nice place. Not good, not bad, but NICE… I have things going on like everyone does, but it’s good to not be down and out or have that feeling of being lost with no way of seeing an upside to things.

This blog has really done a lot for me and my healing process while going through some major events in my life. I know some people who have read my writing have also said that it has helped them also. I’m grateful to have an outlet which brings happiness to me, the people around me and probably to some that I may not even know.

My problems are not just mine alone. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through the issues I have. It helps to see how others have overcome obstacles regardless of how small they may seem. While going through them, they seem bigger than life…

I used to be “Happy Go Lucky” ALL the time and that did nothing but assist me in getting run over. I have down moments like everyone does, but I try to recognize that and change it once I notice that it’s happening. Positivity goes a long way. Life is forever evolving and unfortunately not always for the better. The only thing we can do is evolve with it. I’ve written before that not all change is bad, it’s just different and DIFFERENT is not always bad either.

Love is a HARD Feeling...

Love is such a hard feeling. Hard to understand, hard to sort out, hard to put words to. It’s a feeling that sometimes hits you in the face and you’re not ready for, sometimes it creeps up on your and you’re not ready for that either. Either way, how do you describe it? How do you know when you’re in love? How do you end the love you have for someone and open yourself up enough to receive it from someone else? How do you stop feeling the love you have for someone to allow yourself to give it to someone new? Love is hard to begin, hard to end, hard to mend, hard to lend… Love is such a hard feeling…

Things to Remember in September...

I know it’s just the 23rd of September, however so far, this month has been SUCKY from the beginning until now! I feel like I’m being tested and my grade so far is less than I’d like it to be. Things everywhere are being affected and I don’t like what I see. In order to get a different outcome, I have to do something different… I’m making changes for my future, letting myself go (not physically in that area I’m doing well in), taking some protective walls down… I need to be more positive, not letting so many people in and having more control over my own situations, whether it is my work environment or my personal life. I’m not sure if these areas are where my changes need to be, however it’s a beginning.

Unfortunately, since some of those walls that have protected me are being slowly removed, I have allowed myself to be more open which has also permitted me to be more hurt recently then normal. THIS MUST STOP! I keep myself guarded as to not allow anyone in enough to hurt me. I’m losing in this battle this month and since I realize the problem, it’s an easy fix. I must remember that only a FEW people’s opinions matter! Anyone outside of that very SMALL circle does not matter! It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for people, I love everyone, but I must protect my heart at all cost!

I need to also remember that some people’s role in my life is not of importance. What things WERE are no longer what they need to BE! Things are different, I am different. My whole life is different therefore I must react differently. My same responses to people, to situations should be different. My outlook on life is different. This to me means that I’m growing, I’m learning, and changing! Nothing can be wrong with that!

Remembering September 11, 2001...

This was written a couple of years ago... Thought it fitting to post here... This day...

Do you remember where you were then? I do, and I'll never forget it for the rest of my days...

I was sitting at work at Austin Community College at the front desk across from the Student Lounge. It has since been revamped and things moved around, but that day is clear in my mind. The office was empty at the time and I was there, bored out of my mind and just sitting there watching all of the students in the lounge. Something grabbed my attention, though. The TV in the lounge was on and it hardly ever was especially that early in the morning. The volume was off until someone decided to cut it on as well. All heads were cocked up toward the screen. Some people were crying others had there hands covering their mouths and a lot of people were standing around all peering at the screen. I then moved from my desk to the hallway so that I could see the TV better and then more people started coming out of the offices. As I looked on the screen, they began showing a playback of what happened and it was the first plane hitting the tower! We couldn't believe it! At first I thought that it was a horrible accident and I immediately began to cry. As I stood there watching the screen seeing the smoke bellow out of the building, the second plane hit and I knew precisely then what was going on. My co-worker Olga at the time, was overwhelmed with emotion. I remember how hard she was crying and I tried to comfort her, but it's even harder to comfort someone when you are equally overcome with emotion yourself. As the news spread throughout the building, employees began to call their loved ones who live in New York to check on them and two people, in particular, were petrified. Both of their spouses were in New York on business and were supposed to be on a plane that morning and in the area of the World Trade Center. I remember their panicked faces as they tried to phone them, but to no avail. The phone lines that morning were tremendously busy! No calls were making it out to that area. Soon, all of us were in the Student Lounge watching the screen. I don't believe any work or anything was accomplished that day.

At home, that night was horrible. The TV stations played the crashes over and over and it was on every network. But one thing in particular grabbed a hold of me. It was a documentary of a guy who was a firefighter in New York. All footage was being taped live as it happened. The scene when the first plane hit and the firefighters were on the way into the building and the sound of the jumpers hitting the ground. In the movie he says, "We all heard it. That sound. No one said a word. You can't describe it. Upon hearing it, you know exactly what it is. You know how bad it is up there if people would rather jump to their deaths than burn to death in the building." I'll never forget that sound or those words for the rest of my life. I've watched the airing of that show every year since 9/11.

One thing that I remember proudly, was the outpouring of TOGETHERNESS that was shown throughout the country after this happened. It has slowly faded away since. EVERYONE either had a flag at their house, on their clothes even on their car. We were one country and it was beautiful! We need to get that feeling back that we all had after this horrible event happened. We all shared in the tragedy, the grief and in the sorrow. We were one, one country truly indivisible.

The lives of the people who perished that day should be remembered, forever.

AHA!!

What I want and need is important. I AM IMPORTANT to me and my children. This may seem like a “DUH” moment to some people, but to ME, it’s an “AHA” moment (as Oprah would call it.) Not everyone realizes their importance. Not everyone sees what other people see. Not everyone views themselves as others view them. (In some cases that may be a good thing…) Some people believe they are more important in your life then they TRULY are… Maybe YOU need to be reminded of your OWN worth rather than them reminding you of how important they SHOULD be… Oftentimes, when you are around negative people enough or people who tell you that you aren’t worth much, we begin to believe them. We think that what this person says is true because you’ve heard it so often. It’s the same with people who lie all the time. It’s easy for them to pass a lie detector test because they’ve told so many lies that the lies BECOME the truth, at least to THEM. I think women have the hardest time with realizing their worth. They’ve been beaten on, sometimes literally, and broken down that it becomes hard to see yourself as anything MORE. I’m here to tell you, there is more out there for all of us once we realize that we DESERVE it!

Too Much To Ask For??

I've been asked several times if I know what I want in a relationship. I guess that is a good question considering my marriage just ended. It's something to give alot of thought to PRIOR to getting involved with someone new. It's helpful to know what I will expect of someone and what I will and WILL NOT put up with.

I would like someone in my life who has all these things listed below... Not necessarily in that order but who has ALL these qualities for sure! Some of you may think that these items are NO-BRAINERS, but believe me to some people some of these things don't exist at all...

*Someone who will love my children as if they are their own

*Someone who is loyal

*Who would love me more than they love their friends although friends are important and we can't lose our individuality while being together

*A PARTNER financially (not someone to take care of me or me of him but someone who can assist in taking care of the household WITH me)

*Someone who values my opinions as I do theirs

*Someone who will walk NEXT to me instead of trying to walk ahead of me

*Someone who will only put their hands on me in a loving fashion and not to cause me pain

*A man who can stand on his own and be a man without me being more responsible than him

*A man who can compliment me and NOT take over me

*Sense of Humor

I know I've left some things out since I was making the list off the top of the dome, but it's a good list to start off with that's for sure. As I've said in earlier posts, "... history repeats itself... but only if the variables remain unchanged..." There are certain areas of MY history that in NO WAY would I want to re-live again, so in order to prevent that from happening, I have to make some changes! I've done so somewhat, but our lives, our situations, our futures are forever changing and I want a say so in MINE!!

Lil Wayne - Ice Cream Paint Job (LYRICS ON SCREEN!!!)

My Inspiration...

A couple of people have told me that my blog has inspired them to begin to write and to all of y'all I saw "Thank You!" Believe it or not, some of you are my inspirations as well.. Maybe not to WRITE, but to attempt to be a better person to myself. To not be so hard on myself. To not judge myself so unfairly against others. To recognize how I need to allow myself to fail and to know that it's okay to do so. To learn my self worth and my strength. To be able to see a positive future although my past is less than perfect. Some of these things are hard to see when not paying attention to yourself because you are spending so much time attempting to fix others while your own mess is stacking up. None of us are alone in our daily fight and together, no fight is a losing battle.

Most people that are inspirations have NO IDEA that you feel that way about them. They spend their time just doing what they do all the while, we notice them. They make us want to be better people. They make us want to be our best so that we can prove to the world (and to ourselves) that we aren't bad people. It's so important to smile these days, you never know whose day you're making by having that smile to show the world. We never know what issues people are facing in their own homes, but EVERYONE has SOMETHING that they are dealing with, that's for sure whether they want to express it or not. Everyone's day can become brighter just by a silent smile.

My Mom and my children are my daily inspirations. They make me want the best for them. They make me want to prove to them that no matter what things happen to you or what things you go through, you never give up! Regardless of the pain you're in, you can make it through! I am who I am today because of them.

Just Disappointed...

Ok... I know I can be a handful to some people, but I gotta be me whether it's something other people can deal with or not... I am who I am and I don't apologize for a damn thing. Love me or hate me, it's your decision but either way I'm still winning because I'm on YOUR mind... This post may sound like I'm angry, I'm not... Just disappointed... Disappointed in some people who can allow things to get to them to the point that they miss out on a great person. Disappointed that others can allow things to come inbetween me and them to the point where we split apart... Disappointed that I'm expected to do things for other people when that same expectation can't be returned... Disappointed that I give ALL of who I am when the other person can get away with giving me just a simple fraction of who they are... I'm just disappointed...

I shall, I will, I CAN!

You ever have the feeling that no matter what you do it’s never enough for some people? The real question is: Why spend so much time trying to be what you aren’t for others instead of being all you can be for yourself? It’s time for self reflection, self motivation, and recognizing self worth! Yes, I know the saying, “No one can love you until you learn to love yourself first.” It’s true, from beginning to end. If we know this then why don’t we practice it? I’ve noticed how so many of us spend so much time loving other people that we don’t even BEGIN to know how to love ourselves. We are last on our OWN lists so often and then we are shocked that we are NEVER first on someone else’s. Jeessshhh… I’m trying to do better with this… Trying to move forward is difficult when you keep looking back… Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda’s need to move out the way and become: I shall, I will, I CAN!

Demetrius (Meechie) Butler, Why Did This Day Come??

Thinking back on this day FOUR years ago when I heard the tragic news… Doesn’t seem like it’s been this long. Things were rough then in my house and didn’t have any means of communication but a pay by the minute cell phone. The morning of July 14th I awoke like every day preparing to go to work when I noticed the phone blinking – the power was low and minutes were basically gone. The meanings behind the basically empty minutes were 7 missed calls and 3 messages. I had just enough power and minutes to get the messages. The messages were - one from my oldest brother, my mom and my dad. I went down to the pool at our apartment complex because I knew there was a phone there (not anymore) and I had change to make the call to my Mom. She was very upset when she came to the phone and I was shocked at this since it was just 6:00 in the morning. She said that she didn’t know how to tell me but she’ll just say it – my cousin (Meechie) had been killed in a car accident the night before.

Now mind you, this wasn’t a “normal” accident where there was NOT two or more cars involved. Just one… His… That’s it… Most of my family (uncles, aunts, cousins) live in this relatively small town in Mississippi where EVERY road is a back road. Hardly any street lights, houses spread apart, bumpy unkept roads - some even gravel still… But my cousin grew up there; he knew those roads like the back of his hands. Funny thing is when visiting, my brothers and I know those roads too although we didn’t really grow up there. My dad was in the military so we grew up everywhere and nowhere at the same time…

Well, about two weeks prior to this, I took the girls to my Mom’s house in Mississippi to spend the remainder of the summer with her. They were just stuck in the house all day every day and it was quite boring for them. Mom and I decided it would be good for them to visit her and just as good for her so that she isn’t alone either. So lucky for this happening, it allowed me to see my cousin one last time.

Although Meechie and I were not in the same town or the same state, it didn’t stop us from being close. We’ve always been close. My Mom (Gloria) was the big sister of the family and his Mom (Linda) was the next sister in line. Our Mothers are extremely close… Growing up I would make sure that during each phone call, that I make sure I tell him and his brother how much I love them. When we would go to visit, I would stay at their house and spend my time with them. When we became grown, my mom, his mom, my other aunt (Angie) and me would all be on the phone 4 way – laughing and singing. I would tell his mom, “Make sure you tell my cousins I love them.”

I won’t tell you how the rest of the phone call went. To tell you the truth, I can’t remember how it went. I remember after her saying that Meechie was killed, I remember collapsing on the ground with the phone kind of hanging there – I was crying hysterically… I just never thought... Not him, not then… I made it home some kind of way and when I got there, Ryan came running from the bedroom to me. He was asking what was wrong, what happened... I was still crying and managed to get it out to him what happened. "It's Meechie.. He's dead!" I screamed. I fell in his arms and we both cried and cried... It was horrible… I made it to work and I remember crying most of the day. I spoke to my boss and took off the remainder of the week. Ryan and I got off of work that day at 4 and made the trip to Mississippi, driving over night with several “Monster” energy drinks in one hand and the steering wheel in the other… We drove all night and switchin' off back and forth until we made it the next morning at about 5:45 a.m.

Now, remember, I said that my girls were in Mississippi when this happened. He died not to far from my Mom’s house – apparently on the way home from his friend’s house. I believe his friend saw the car burning on the side of the road and called Linda. Angie, Linda, and his brother Chris (named after my brother) all went to the scene… and so the phone calls to the family came after that… When we arrived that next morning, we went to the crash site. Still in shock, nothing seemed real… What I don’t remember is when Chris and Don (my brothers) and their families made it – everything is a blur… (I remember certain things after this point, but the order is what I’m unsure of. It was such an emotional time for all of us.) While we were at the sight, we were trying to re-live what could’ve happened to him. Things just didn’t make sense. There were no tire marks, nothing indicating that he hit the brakes at all. The tree that he hit was burnt from the bottom to the top… The grass around was all burnt. It was weird, he hit the only tree there was that could’ve done any damage… The other trees and bushes around the area were too small to do anything… Right across from his tree was a dirt/gravel road. It looked like he was driving down the road, someone/something came from out of the gravel road and he swerved to miss it and hit the tree… Of course these are all assumptions… Looking down that street, looking at the gravel road, looking at the tree, it all seemed so surreal. We were looking for clues to what happened. Looking around in the burnt grass for anything that reminded us of him… Ryan found a piece of clothing and the emblem from the car he was driving – it was Linda’s car. I had written a poem for him and Linda placed it in the center of a reef and attached it to the tree. I made sure to put it in plastic so it would last for a long time against the elements…

Family from all over attended his funeral… It was a horribly sad day. Meechie used to say that funerals were nothing but sad family reunions… He was right. Linda picked a beautiful black and gold casket – one that was perfect for him. His flowers, the words from his friends everything was beautiful.

I think of him a lot. Things he would say, things we would do, songs he loved, singers he admired… Everything about him would cross my mind whether I was trying to think of him or not. He’s always with me, he’s always here… I remembered the dreadful day yesterday when he passed and called Linda to send her my love. I remember this morning, the day I found out of his passing. He will never be forgotten, not now… Not ever… I love you…

By ALL Means... Read ON!!

I began this blog for ME and me only, because writing is what I love to do. It frees me of pinned up emotions and feelings that I keep to myself. Although I am an open book, some things ARE personal. Some things are better left either unsaid or said to a chosen FEW, but for the most part, ask me and you’ll have your answer whether you will like what I say or not.

Don’t cha just love when people come into your world and try to change you and what you do? Of course you don’t I was being sarcastic, but censorship is the same thing. Apparently some folks don’t appreciate my words and how I choose to portray them to the world, but as I recall, this is MY blog and I can do with it as I choose. Luckily, I have little care for what people think of me or what their opinion is of me. I just say, “kiss my azz” and keep it pushin’! If you have that many things to say to me about what I do, then begin your OWN blog and write freely there.

Don’t try and shush me, it will only cause me to become LOUDER. Don’t attempt to cage me, I WILL break free. Don’t hold me down, I will become unloosed. It’s a new world out here and I want to see what it holds whether you are ok with it or not. By the way, don’t take what I say so personally, but if you do and it changes you for the better, then by all means… READ ON!!

Some of the BEST Lessons...

I’ve learned to accept people for their actions and not their words. Actions REALLY DO speak louder then words. If I tell you I love you but never do anything to SHOW/PROVE to you that I do, then how can you believe that what I’m saying is true? It’s beautiful what opened eyes can see, not literally speaking but figuratively. The brain sees things that the heart won’t necessarily accept. We are afraid to allow ourselves to see these things for fear of being hurt. Being hurt is an opportunity for growth whether we see that at the time or not. Some of the hardest situations that I’ve been through in my life have taught me some of the best lessons… It’s true and if you look back at your life, you’ll agree.

When we were young, some of us made plans for ourselves, for our lives ahead. I did and of course things didn’t work out all the way as I had previously planned. However one thing is for certain, I’m a stronger woman than I thought I would be. I’ve been taught things that I normally wouldn’t have learned if not for trials and tribulations. Good things come out of all bad situations if you look at them through different eyes.

This has been a very hard week for me. I’ve had to end a relationship that began 18 years ago. STRENGTH allowed me to do that. Friends and family by my side that stood by me and didn’t judge me HELPED with this... People who have walked the road in front of me to shield and protect me AIDED in this... Peers who have held me and told me things would be okay ASSISTED in this. I’m not alone in anything I do. God has had my back when I didn’t know he was there. He has been with me, helped me, aided others in my fight, and held me during this whole situation. I love HIM and ALL OF YOU for all of your support.

Tupac - If My Homies Call

Happy 39th Birthday, Tupac!!

I’m in My Own Way

I have to learn how to let go… I have to show myself and prove to myself that I am worthy of love and adoration. Not the love that I’ve been getting, but the love that I’ve never gotten… Does that make sense? You know the love I mean, the type that when someone’s eyes look into yours the feeling is that you are the only one on this planet that exists besides the person that you’re looking at? The feeling that every word that you utter is important and has meaning…That no one else in this world matters but you… I’ve felt this way before, but to have someone RETURN that look – now that’s AMAZING!

I’m in my own way though and I don’t know what to do to correct this… I know what I want, but to get there is my issue. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know HOW to do it… I need to drop some walls down that, over time, I’ve learned to build up to protect myself. I need to open my eyes a little and learn to trust and believe what people are saying to me. I have to teach myself that not everyone is out to hurt me… How do I do this?

I have to learn to let old things go and learn how to make new things happen for myself. I have to allow myself to let people in enough so that I can enjoy life again. Is this possible? I have to teach myself how to forget the past and make room for the present and my future. Waiting for a bus to arrive that isn’t scheduled to come is what I’ve been doing so far… I have to move on, to let go, and ARRIVE!