I’m in My Own Way

I have to learn how to let go… I have to show myself and prove to myself that I am worthy of love and adoration. Not the love that I’ve been getting, but the love that I’ve never gotten… Does that make sense? You know the love I mean, the type that when someone’s eyes look into yours the feeling is that you are the only one on this planet that exists besides the person that you’re looking at? The feeling that every word that you utter is important and has meaning…That no one else in this world matters but you… I’ve felt this way before, but to have someone RETURN that look – now that’s AMAZING!

I’m in my own way though and I don’t know what to do to correct this… I know what I want, but to get there is my issue. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know HOW to do it… I need to drop some walls down that, over time, I’ve learned to build up to protect myself. I need to open my eyes a little and learn to trust and believe what people are saying to me. I have to teach myself that not everyone is out to hurt me… How do I do this?

I have to learn to let old things go and learn how to make new things happen for myself. I have to allow myself to let people in enough so that I can enjoy life again. Is this possible? I have to teach myself how to forget the past and make room for the present and my future. Waiting for a bus to arrive that isn’t scheduled to come is what I’ve been doing so far… I have to move on, to let go, and ARRIVE!

Find the Time...

I know I haven’t written in awhile, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about y’all… Just haven’t found the energy to. Isn’t it bad when u don’t have the oomph to do what u love? To make the time to do something for yourself and what you enjoy? People, we have to do better! We find the time for everything else though don’t we? Things that don’t matter, things that can wait, things that others ask of us… We make time for all THOSE things, but when it comes to things for ourselves, we are placed on the back burner. Why is that? Do we not see ourselves as important as we see those who are asking things of us? I’m trying to make more time for myself. To raise my view of myself,TO MYSELF! No one else can do that for me! How I see myself is a reflection of how others will view me. Now that’s DEEP…

We HAD some good times…

Yes, I know I haven’t written in awhile – been busy... Been busy taking care of business, things I didn’t want to do, but things I know had to get done. Unfortunately, these things could only get done by me – Procrastination has reared its ugly head for too long already. How much more did I think I could take? Was I testing myself to see how bad things could/would get before I did anything? I guess I shouldn’t be hard on myself. Nothing wrong with sticking to my word for me and my family… Nothing wrong with it at all… Then why do I feel so bad? Bad maybe is the wrong word; maybe disappointed is a better one… Disappointment is one of the worse feelings in the world to me. It’s hard to return from it; hard to recover from it; hard to deal with it…

One thing people can’t call me is a quitter. That is one thing that I’m not. I’m a ride or die chick for the right person and even the wrong one… I give it my all, EVERYTHING gets my ALL. That’s what I do, that’s who I am. I give it all, because that’s what I expect in return. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. When standing in front of the LORD and professing your love to him and the world, why wouldn’t I give it my all?? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Why don’t people take it as serious as it is? Why are people so quick to give it all away for a roll in someone else’s hay? The grass may look greener on the other side but when you get up close, you realize that it was turf instead. When I then give you what you want by leaving, it is then when you try to come back to this green lush grass then you realize THIS grass is no longer yours to mow.

Life is LIFE LESSONS that are sometimes very hard to learn. It’s funny because regardless of those who take steps before it’s your turn to walk them, your feelings, opinions and reactions are yours and yours alone. No one else can tell you how to feel. No one else understands but you. It’s a lonely place to be. Alone with your feelings with really no one to turn too but YOU. It’s not a time to feel bad though, you know this decision is the best one you can have, but time lost, time spent, time wasted… WOW, none of those can you get back. It wasn’t a total waste of time. There were good times. There were children born. We HAD some good times…

Reality

Why do we allow ourselves to believe things we know aren’t true? Is it because we allow our hearts to rule us instead of our minds? We want to believe things are the way we want them instead of how they really are. Reality is a HUGE pill to swallow when your well has run dry. People tell us who they are by the actions they make, not by the words they choose. We want to believe that people will change, that we are somehow different then the others who have been caused hurt by this person, but in REALITY, we are no better, no different then the ones before us. When you see something in front of you, don’t walk around it in order to avoid it, step to it with your eyes open so you can see it for what it is – REALITY. Reality won’t lie, won’t steer you wrong – it is what it is and we all need to deal with it.

Sometimes Tears Fall for No Reason...

Do you ever have tears fall for no reason, but you don't question it, you let them fall. You feel like crying heavily, slobbering, yelling out in pain, tears streaming faster, harder then ever before... Instead though, you try to be thick-skinned, stopping the emotions from erupting for fear of someone walking in or hearing you... Part of you wants to anyway so someone CAN hear you, hold you and tell you that things will get better... You secretly want the person who hurt you to see you, so they know what they've done, however you also know that they wouldn't care even if they did see...

Sometimes tears fall for no reason, should there be a reason? Is it wrong to just cry? It's not a weak emotion, for it takes a strong person to show their emotional side. A weak person would rather act like it doesn't exist at all. I cry. I cry when I'm happy, sad or mad, but sometimes, I cry just cause...

I have reasons to cry, I'm sure most of us do, but lately, tears just fall. They fall no matter where I am, out of the blue. Sometimes I feel it coming because of that undescribable knot in my throat and warns me of the outburst to come. I welcome it. I know that afterwards I will feel better, feel free, feel calm.

Movin' On?

Some people amaze me at how fast they can move on to other people after a break up. What does that mean exactly? Was the person they are no longer with that easy to get over or is the person they moved on to really not that important? Just someone to fill a gap perhaps? The nerve! Both the person you left and the newbie deserve more then that! People just don’t care about people anymore. Out for self gratification and nothing more. Way to go, selfish bastard, way to go…

Our Own Kind??

I had a talk with someone recently about an incident that happened to her the other night. She was checking her mailbox at about 10:45 p.m. (yes it was late) and a man (who happened to be black) ran into the mailbox area. She lives in an apartment complex so her mailbox was incased in a small house of sorts with plenty of mailboxes surrounding hers. The first thing that popped into her mind was that she was alone, at night, with this black man. Now mind you he ran into the mailbox area seemingly out of breath and asking for her help. He seemed nervous which made her nervous as well. She motioned to the man to leave and asked several times to just leave her alone and to just let her get to her car. “Please!!” she begged him. Never did she pay attention to anything that he said UNTIL she was on the way out of the mailbox area and a police car pulled up. As she was getting into her car she overheard the man tell the police “He’s been beating me, I had to run, I just had to!” Apparently the man (as she thought) was actually a boy, who had been beaten by his father was reaching out to her for help and all she saw was a “black man”. Apparently he had been knocking on doors pleading for help and no one, including her helped him. When she figured out what happened, when she made it to her apartment, she let herself in and cried herself to sleep…

I didn’t want to mention until the end of the story that the person telling me this story was black too. She said to me, “Why has society made us so afraid of our own kind?” Wow… What a powerful question. I had no answer for her. None. Do you? To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to say to that story OR to her question... I'm not sure what I would've done differently if anything at all. It's hard to say unless placed in the situation. But one thing I tell you is I can't get that question out of my mind... Is it society? Is it our own insecurities? I think being placed in that situation myself, I would've been scared REGARDLESS of who would've walked/ran/jumped into that mailbox area at that time of night, which is why I don't usually check my mail at night in the first place. The best way to protect yourself is to not place yourself in bad situations... I know... Easier said then done...

I'm Tired...

Writing things down, getting my feelings out “By any means necessary”… It’s what I do to be able to deal with things that are bothering me. It’s good to have an outlet that’s easy for me to do, real cheap too! Doesn’t cost me a red cent! I’m scared to think of what I would do if I didn’t write… I’d either be an ALcoholic, an EAT-aholic, a SMOKE-aholic whatever came my way probably... (I’ve always made up my own words. Hey I don’t have to be “Webster” in order to do so! Lol) But I choose to write, it’s what I do – it’s who I am!

Sometimes my feelings overwhelm me to the point where I get either SUPER sad or SUPER angry and now since I’ve had my hysterectomy (couple of years ago) that could be in the matter of minutes – SECONDS even! I write a lot more frequently now. Things have to be said, things have to be done NOW for tomorrow is not promised. Why should I let these things fester? What I have to say is just as important as the next person.

I have issues as we all do; but mine just seem more important To ME because they are happening TO ME. Is that selfish? Nah, it’s my perspective as I’m sure your issues seem hella more important to you then mine do. Don’t get me wrong, my friends issues/problems are important to me because the chosen few that I call “friends” are family to me. Their issues are mine and although it’s rare that I can help them with their issues, I listen, I’m here, and I care!

Is this post all over the place? Maybe, but that’s how I’m feeling today – All Over the Place?! My brain is being pulled in several directions and right now and unfortunately down is easier to get to then UP… I know that is the wrong way to look at things and I try to be so positive MOST of the time, but I’m tired y’all… Really tired… I’m tired of “The B.S.!” There are lots of things that fit in this category and to tell you the truth, there are too many things to even list. Tired of being broke, tired of drama, tired of hurting (literally), tired of getting my feelings hurt – just fuckin’ tired!

Have you ever tried to fix your issues and no matter what you do, nothing gets better? I mean, I’ve hit so many brick walls – I’m bruised all over. “Just hold on” people say, I’m holding for dear life! I’m a soldier – I fight – not giving up now, tomorrow, or the day after that…

Tiki, remember Boo – you are not alone in this fight. There are others who are here with you in spirit and here day in and day out for you! That’s what I tell myself! This fight is not mine alone. I fight not just for me, but for my beautiful girls! Sometimes they look at me and make me feel like it’s just me and them against the world! I fight this fight for them! Hold on babygirls’ – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

My Affiliation!

Writing can be just as medicinal as someone’s medication.

It can ease the mind and render relaxation.

It can take your mind away like a vacation.

Makes me want to scream out like an acclamation!

Got mad love for it, more like adoration.

I want everyone to know my page – it’s my affiliation.

Writing can bring people together like a congregation.

I want to do it all the time because I have dedication.

Writing gets my anger out – extermination.

My words are my own, there’s no interrogation.

I hope people look up to me with inspiration.

My hard work may pay off with a publication.

Until then, I must constantly renew and restore – renovation.

However when that day arrives - VERIFICATION!

Do You Have a Rock??

No matter how strong you claim to be, there will always be something that will break you down. Not a total breakdown, but an emotional one for sure. We are mostly strong when we need to be, but those times when you are by yourself and you know you can let go, you will. Nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone needs time to get over something or someone that has wronged them. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," that's true but it doesn't feel like that at the time. You feel weak and alone and that no one in this world can understand you and your issues. This is when friends and family come into play. Those times are when you need to find someone to lean on, someone to confide in, someone who won't judge you and who understands. Not everyone is blessed to have this person, so if you have found this rock, lean on them with care. You will need them when you feel like everything else around you has crumbled.

Your Day Begins TODAY!!

Isn’t it hard sometimes to accept reality? Sometimes reality slaps you in the face without you being prepared for the hit. At that point, it’s time to get up, dust yourself off and realize that YOUR day begins TODAY! We all need to take charge in our lives and be responsible for our own actions. Today is the day we begin to realize that we can not be responsible for anyone else’s mistakes, but we are in charge of our own reactions to others’ mistakes. Just because someone does something wrong to me does not give me the right to go and wrong someone else. KARMA now that is one thing I will no longer mess with.

Why is it so easy for me to write people out of my life who make bad decisions in their own lives that I CAN’T deal with rather than people who have hurt me more than I should put up with? I’ve said this a lot lately because it is SO TRUE! I have the tendency to accept things that I shouldn’t or put up with things that I shouldn’t. The funny thing is when this is happening to me, while I’m in the moment I can NOW recognize it while it’s occurring. I can NOW recognize game where before I was trying hard to call it everything else then exactly what it was… GAME!! Guess I’m growing up… Maybe not “growing up” – wrong choice of words… Maybe now, I’m healing…

What's Done in the Dark...

I don’t know where I heard this from but the saying goes, “What’s done in the dark shall come to the light” meaning everything we do in secret (in the dark) will come out in the open (to the light). If you don’t believe this saying, just ask any cheater who has gotten busted and is now alone or no longer with the person they cheated on. Anyone who has read my blog knows how I feel about cheating so I’m not going to continue to rehash that mess today. It goes back to the post I had the other day, me feeling someone else’s issues. I recognize myself in so many people and it pains me sometimes that they don’t see things that are right in front of them… I guess I don’t either sometimes…

There comes a point though with me, when I can no longer take or deal with the drama that is being brought to my life from other people. It’s at that point when I remove them from my life, period! The relationship, regardless of what it is or was, becomes no longer necessary to me… In fact, it becomes a hindrance and at that point an “annoyance” to me. There are some people that just need to be removed in order to move on with YOUR life... Regardless if it’s a friend, a family member, an associate, WHOEVER they may be... Deletions are occurring everyday around this peace, please believe!!

Some people may think this is harsh of me, but I’ve always been the type of person to not give a rat’s ass about other people’s opinions of me! You can believe what you wish of me, I don’t care just like you do not have to care what my opinion is of you. Your decisions, whether they be good or bad doesn’t matter to me UNTIL it impacts my life or the life of my children. At that point, the relationship WILL BE DEALT WITH. The easiest thing to do is to cut the bad out of my life and then rejoice on the good that is left behind…

Every Problem is Not Mine to Fix...

I have got to realize one day soon, that I can not allow myself to be upset by things that I have NO CONTROL OVER or that do not concern me, but are issues that my friends are dealing with.. I keep telling myself over and over again that I need to control this, give advice without melting myself with their situation. Both my children have told me, “Mom, that’s not your business” OR “Mom, you can’t fix that.” (Smart kids I have.) It drives me nuts to know that something is wrong that may not have any affect on me at all, but it may concern someone I care about. It feels as though that issue is mine to deal with as well. I want to fix that problem so that it no longer exists for them ESPECIALLY if it is something that I have dealt with. Why would I want to see someone deal with the same issues as I’ve experienced? Why re-invent the wheel? Why is it that we do not heed the advice from others who have been down a path that we are currently traveling? Is it sooo hard for us to fathom that someone can help us? Is it that we do not want to hear or admit that we are in the wrong and need help?

A Press Conference!? Really?

Why would someone feel the need to give a press conference about cheating? If that’s the case, press conferences would need their own network! CPCN – Cheating Press Conference Network. Yes, he needed to apologize to his wife, kids, and family for being a loser. Yes, he should apologize to the company’s who will lose money as a result of him BEING a loser, but really, a press conference?? I see press conferences for IMPORTANT MATTERS that affect us all, you know like 9/11 or something happening to our beloved president (not jinxing at all) but I mean something that is HIGHLY necessary to reach the masses… Tiger being a hoe? Not one of ‘em…

A Season?

When you think you are all alone in the world someone comes forward with the same issues or problems as you are experiencing… People say: “Things happen for a reason” or “People come into your life for a reason” (or is it a season?) At the moment you are happy that someone understands your position, what you’re going through, the feelings you are having… Then the next emotion is sadness because then you realize this person is hurting too, because someone has hurt them… Why do some people thrive on hurting others? Why are some people so selfish they only see themselves and the current situation with no regards to the consequences of their actions? Why do some things happen to people that don’t deserve the pain they are caused? Not that I want “bad” people to feel pain either, but it doesn’t seem fair. Of course life isn’t fair, but why isn’t it? We all want to be happy and want the best for ourselves, but must that include causing others pain?

Obama's State of the Union Address 1/27/10

Linked above is the State of the Union Address given by President Obama last night... Just in case some of you missed it! If you are seeing this on Facebook, go to my site: www.tidbitsbytiki.blogspot.com to view it in it's entirety!!

Janelle, The Big 1-0!!

When your youngest becomes double digit age you begin to notice things you probably haven't before: lines on your face that weren't there, body creeks and pops, the independence of your children... It's eye opening! It's great to see, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing!

Janelle, she turns 10 today and she is the most sweetest, sensitive, helpful, kind, loving child in the world! She loves art, animals, everything and EVERYONE!! She's honest, caring, and a social butterfly!! She is smart, gorgeous, beautiful inside and out!! My babygirl, my youngest, the other half of my world! Momma loves you today, tomorrow, yesterday and all days before and after that!! You bring smiles to everyone who your smile touches! A gift in a world full of turbulence! I love you!!

Who Dat?!

(Let me begin by saying that is NOT my booty in that shot, but I love the logo on the pants!!)

Football!!! Colts vs. Saints!! Get outta here!! Two of my teams playin’ each other for the prize!! I knew my teams wouldn’t let me down this year!! I’ve been asked over and over again who my choice would be outta the Colts OR the Saints for winning the Super Bowl… Honestly, I love both!! Peyton and the Colts have been to the Super Bowl so many times; that I think that ALONE has me pushing more for the Saints!! The Saints have had a helluva season and a win would just push me over the edge!!

I’ve heard all kinda reasons as to why the Saints won last night: Adrian Peterson’s two million fumbles, Brett being hurt, the officials being one sided, the crowd noise.. You name it I’ve heard it! Not saying I don’t love Brett Favre, but why not just say the Saints played a helluva game?! Brett wouldn’t have gotten STUCK as many times as he did without his line not having his back OR his front for that matter!! Why not call it for what it is??

The Colts and the Jets – Peyton… Love ya boy!! I know your brother has to admire you and I saw him in the Press Box cheering you on!! You deserve it too, year after year, game after game – you pull through!

Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl this year, huh?! Wassup with that? Not that I don’t LOVE it but why? What was the reason behind it? Anyway, two more weeks of football and then sadness and depression sets in when the season is over and we begin longing for next season to begin… Wish it could go on all year round… Who Dat?!

"Say Something" Timbaland ft. Drake

Right is Just RIGHT!!!

Ever wondered the type of mind frame people are working with?? Sometimes the things people say or the angle in which people view some situations just throw you for a loop and they leave you questioning yourself and your own view?? I know we are all different, but right is just RIGHT, isn’t it?? The extent of WRONG that some people will venture to just amazes those of us who don’t think that way. None of us are without fault, which I’ve said many a time before now and will continue to state that well known FACT, however, just because we all have them, doesn’t mean we should do wrong for the sake of doing wrong with NO conscience, NO apologies, and NO concern for anyone but yourself! Americans are known around the world for being materialistic, selfish, greedy, rude, and any other negative adjective you can mention. Why should we continue to uphold these ideas of US by making the horrible day in and day out choices that we do! URGHHH!!