Edification...

It hurts when you recognize that someone is hurting as you have, made the same mistakes that you did, and that has the same negative thoughts that you had.. Then you realize that you had to go through those same things to become the person you are today.. Be thankful for the trials/tribulations you've experienced, those hard times have taught you invaluable life lessons that no book, teacher, or class could have…

I’m not knockin’ teachers, books, or classrooms I mean I’ve worked in colleges and universities for most of my adult life. What I’m saying is that life lessons can have EDUCATION in it that you can not receive from a book. Experience can have more schooling in it then any degree can.. Now as I said before, I’m not knockin’ education, I’m sayin’ that edification can come without a degree…

I am hella FEISTY!!

There are people in this world who r gonna wanna try you,

Give ‘em all a door and push their ass and their ‘ttude thru,

I’m tired of this bullshit and the game of who wanna hurt who,

Just keep it pushin’, keep it steppin’ and try somebody else Boo!

I’m not ur doormat for u to walk on, ur games don’t get no play here,

I see thru u and yo shit and on this face they’ll be no tears,

Tell the mothafuckaz who r witchu I have no fear,

While all my homies got my back and ready with THEIR own gear!

No one standing by will be needed or even necessary,

I’m ready for you and you can call all of my adversaries,

You’ll NEED those who will attempt or wanna try me,

Cuz I’ve been told thru out my years that I am hella feisty!!

Speaks...

As he stands there at the mic with his eyez closed in deep concentration

Preparing to let the words flow from his divided lips, his art touches me

In a way I can’t explain nor do I want to. It’s something I hold dear,

Something that is for me and me alone to wonder where his mind is, as he

Strokes MY mind, body and soul with his gems.. I sit there unknowingly drifting

Side to side while I listen and fly slowly out of the room to where he takes me with his

Expressions. He opens his eyes and sees a crowded room while all the time I see

Only him. He speaks again and I begin to soar oh so softly out of the room again and I only,

See him, hear him, feel him just in those words he so softly…

Speaks...

Worth Shoutin'!

All that glitters AIN’T diamonds,

Day in and day out, I’m grindin’,

It’s in me to succeed so I’m tryin',

You know me, no need for remindin’

What I want and deserve is worth findin’

All the hills and mountains I’m still climbin’

All the while on my face I am smilin’

Things I want are worth all my fightin’

There are folks in my way I’m removin’

What they want they won’t get so I’m blockin’

Their hands and their feet – they aren’t landin’

This fight, I’m smirkin’cuz I’m winnin’

This direction I’m in now is preparin’

Me for what I knew all along, I’m transformin’

Which makes the outcomes I receive worth shoutin’!

LIE

What is there that I DESPISE

More than a LIE

Regardless of WHY…

Makes me CRY

While my insides DIE

And what do you IMPLY

That you’d rather DEFY

My feelings and TRY

To fix things BY

Explaining and trying to BUY

Yourself time to APPLY

The answers I RELY

So heavily on to SUPPLY

Myself some relief and I TRY

To understand before I become SHY

And say to you... GoodBYE…

Stoves

Why does it take some of us so many times to go through something to realize the hurt in it? It’s like watching a kid touch a stove and burning themselves… The next time they approach the stove slowly because they are EXPECTING to get burned; however they become confused when they touch it and DON’T get burned, not realizing that the stove isn’t even on at all this time. After this occurs, you see the child once more approaching the stove but THIS time, they don’t hesitate at all because they remember that they were not burned the last time they touched it, however THIS TIME, the stove is on and they ONCE AGAIN are burnt… People have to figure out things for themselves regardless how many times you tell them…

What is with dealing with people in our lives that are our “STOVES”? Is it the fact that we never know what we are going to get or is it the UNKNOWN that excites us? Why be fascinated by the unknown at all? Wouldn’t it better to KNOW that you will NOT get hurt than to be uncertain of WHEN the hurt will occur? Stoves have many different degrees; however they ALSO have an off switch! In order to ensure you will no longer be tempted or hurt by the stove in your life, cut it off so that you can be confident that it will no longer hurt you. People, we gotta do better!

Potpourri IV

Well I can’t believe I’ve written 200+ blog posts here on Blogger!! I guess I truely have had a lot of things to say… That part doesn’t surprise me but the fact that I’ve gotten everything out that I’ve wanted to say DOES. I know that may be shocking to some people but I’m not the same person that I used to be… I’m more insightful now and I tend to look at things differently than I used to… I look out more for ME now and less about what others need or want. I’ve gone through some HEAVY things in my life… I’ve been through it all and have overcome it all. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been and I’m more in touch with the world around me more than ever before.

I’ve come to the realization that things are as they are for a reason. The reasons aren’t usually clear at the moment, but when that moment has passed I have been able to see WHY it has happened the way that it has. You don’t always have to be the WINNER in a situation to be better because of it… Every situation has learning potential. What you choose to take out of a situation is what will teach you more about yourself than what the situation itself has… I’m more positive now than ever… I see things in a different light than ever before… Maybe it’s because “40” isn’t that far off or because I’m more mature now, I don’t know… I’ve been mature for most of my life although I can clown around with the best of them. I’m a deep chick though, best believe. My life’s situations have made me see things sometimes that other people don’t see. Me being so BLUNT about things can cause friction with some, but MAINLY viewed as love from MOST.

“So Tiki, what are you sayin’?” Nothing and everything.. Something and Nothing. It’s “Potpourri IV”! I don’t have to have a reason to write. My reason to write is the reason itself.

Silent Living Hell...

Does the truth really, “set you free” or does it leave you open for judgment to be placed upon you? I guess it may depend upon the situation but it’s that very question that lead most people to remain silent about what it is they are going through.

I’ve been through some things in my life, some of which I wish I should have remained silent about, but what would that have gotten me? I would have been in a silent living hell with no one to talk to, no one to vent to, no one to rescue me if need be which isn’t good either. I understand NOW, after speaking up about things that this way may not be the answer either. So what IS the answer then? Why does society PREY on the VICTIM instead of the GUILTY? Sound like SOCIETY is preying on each another instead of PRAYING FOR one another…

Just Cuz...

Sometimes I know where a blog post is going and sometimes I sit and just let my “fingers do the walking”… I guess today seems like the later… Sometimes I write because I have things to get off my chest when all the other words have already been said and other times I write “Just Cuz”… Have you ever done something or said something, “Just Cuz”? That’s usually the answer you give when either the REAL answer is either not known or too painful to say out loud… I’m not sure which one this is for, I just know that it is what it is…

I’ve been REAL sensitive lately to things that I think people around me don’t understand why I feel the way I do and it’s been a mystery to me also. I just know that I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge my feelings when they happen. I also know that I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. My feelings, my beliefs, and my opinions are MINE and with that, I’ll leave just as it is.

I don’t think I’ve spent time dealing with certain things and I think that I probably should have… Whenever the time comes for me to have the opportunity to deal with these issues, it is THEN that I will deal with it. During my time as I see fit not when others feel like I should or when others want me to. It is THEN that I’ll cry, scream, yell and be angry and when someone asks me why I did what I’ve done, my answer will be, “JUST CUZ”…

Please Move Around...

Yes I guess I have taken this “protect yourself at all costs” to a new level. Maybe what I’ve done now is create more work than necessary to get in deep with me. But on whose standards should I base this on? I know that I am worth something and I know that I deserve to be treated well and with respect. I will not settle for less than that. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. It’s fine with me either way. It’s that “shit or get off the pot” mentality. Either get on the bus or not, but don’t get on and complain about the trip. You accepted your surroundings when you arrived at the terminal and stepped foot on the transportation. I may be taking what I’ve experienced out onto the next person who chooses to be in my life, but I’ve been conditioned to be the way I am, and I’m not changing for anyone NOR am I asking for you to change for me. So if this is too much for you or if you are not willing to deal with how I am, then by all means PLEASE move around and let someone who IS willing be next in line…

Happy New Year! We Welcome You, 2011!

New Year resolutions are easier to set then to accomplish. I’m looking to make goals or changes in my life that will lead to a better happier me. Everyone could stand to make some changes as long as they are for the better.

Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

This time of year the Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I've been through some heavy things this year which I will not recreate in my future. Some things will need to be left behind in order for my future to be different than how my past has been...

Be safe tonight and every night... Make thought out choices and think BEYOND THE MOMENT!! So many people make decisions based on TODAY without any thought whatsoever to TOMORROW... Happy New Year 2 u all! Much luv and *smooches*!

Christmas Past, Present and Future...

So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".

Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...

Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.

Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...

Hopefully...

Sometimes we don’t know why people were put into our lives until they are no longer IN our lives. Some horrible situations can bring out the best in you and the people whose lives you influence by being in theirs. We never know what things people can pull out of you while in your life. Those things can either be bad things or good things… At the time, we don’t realize what’s going on but after it’s over hopefully you’ll know. Hopefully you’ve learned something. Hopefully, you’ve grown... Hopefully you’ve learned something about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. Hopefully you’ve changed for the better. Hopefully…

"Music is Therapy"

It’s funny how someone will play a song or two and something in those songs will inspire you to think… To reflect... To look @ yourself and others in a new way… As a friend of mine said, “Music is therapy” and I would agree with him. Songs provoke emotion, regardless of what emotion it brings out of you at the time, it’s helpful, it’s freeing, it’s necessary. Music is very important to me as is dancing and writing. They all have the same effect on me and ALL bring me joy. When I’m on that dance floor, sometimes I feel as if I’m the only one in that club, in that room, on that floor. I RARELY listen to the words of a song, but the beat, the way it makes me feel to hear it brings something out of me. I don’t go to the club for the same reason some people may go, I go for the MUSIC… “Music is therapy.” Yes it is…

Dear Grandma,

I know you are aware of what I'm about to write before these words hit the screen, but I have to get them out. I love you for the woman you were, the woman you created - My Mother, and for the strength that was passed down from you, to her and then given to me.

I apologize for not making it to your burial on Saturday, but I also know you understand why. As the head of my household, I am responsible for my children and will ALWAYS put them before myself. That's what good parent's do and that's what my Mom does for me. My thoughts, blessings and prayers are with you from this day to the next.

I would like for you to give my Mother closure and to lift her heart because I know that she feels guilty for not being there with you when you passed on, however, she was here with her children and grandchildren, busy putting us before herself. She assisted me by helping me be there with you in her place and for THAT and many other reasons, I am eternally grateful. She allowed ME to gain closure. I was able to speak to you, to hold your hand and to tell you I love you for that final time and I was able to hear you say those same words to me. Without her doing this for me, I would have missed out on a very precious moment that we were able to share.

Give both Granddaddy and Meechy hugs and kisses for me each day. Those two meant the world to me as do you, My Mother, and my children. Out of all of this sadness, there are things to be thankful for which are: you are no longer ill, no longer in pain, and no longer suffering.

As I told Janelle who also wrote something for you, "Grandma is now among the Angels". As I was able to say to you on Thanksgiving, "I love you, Grandma" - from this day to the next.

Monarch

Monarch butterfly, fly high and fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Beautiful to watch, beautiful to observe, beautiful to see

Strong in flight, strong in faith, strong in her beliefs

Blessed are we that you gave me and my brothers our lovely Mom

Who shows us love whether we’re right or whether we’re wrong

Grandma now joins Grandaddy and Meechy in that heavenly place

Where I hope to join them one day, please make me some space

Her stories, her bible verses, her songs were ever present

God and Jesus were her strength and she loved them both at great length

She made sure we were aware of who they were and what they meant

Made sure we were baptized and of our sins we repent

Monarch butterfly, fly high and please fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don’t know what I will say or do

Makes me nervous and scared sometimes too

Sometimes my replies are reactions and nothing more

Calculated though sometimes, I want to settle the score

Although sometimes I react with thought and precision

Sometimes my reactions have goals and visions

That sometimes occurs when I’m not ready to behold

Sometimes my words flow like rivers of gold

Sometimes I spend time on things that don’t matter at all

Sometimes I lend a hand to others when they fall

Sometimes that person who falls is me and I see

That sometimes I fall to increase the strength that I need

Without Them...

I wonder if these breaks in my writing will continue or will I become inspired again… I guess inspired may be the wrong word here but maybe my NEED to write has certainly slowed down. There was a time I HAD to write in order to get my feelings out so that I can truly let them go, but I’ve changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed for the better or for the worse… I know I’m a stronger person NOW than I’ve ever been and that isn’t bad at all. Some people think that bad relationships aren’t good for you but I disagree. You learn a lot about yourself while going through the hardest times in your life. These are the times that we become a stronger, better person. I’m not sure if that would necessarily happen without trials and tribulations, but I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

Silence...

Silence… Something I should practice more of instead of putting words on my fist like boxing gloves.

Words can be daggers, knives or guns The battles I’ve lost total more than I’ve won.

No battles have winners if you stop and think. Just time lost during the fights and it’s gone in a blink.

What are we fighting for sometimes no one knows. A relationship can be over just as fast as the wind blows.

Everyone loses there are rarely winners you see. Sometimes silence is needed in order to agree.

The Day Our Eyes Met

The smile on my face covers the tears in my eyes.

I'm stronger than u'll ever realize..

My mind wants to shout but my mouth just grins

instead of hitting yo punk azz in the chin...

The words that I say approach with such haste

Gives my mouth such a horrible taste.

I can’t stop them coming they flow with such ease

I must stop living for you but for ME…

U’re all I know, all I have, all I want in this life

Why must u cause me such sickness and strife?

A love like this is wonderful and rare

I must take it and give it to someone who’ll care

Sometimes I sit, stop and think

If I didn’t respond to that first wink

What would my life have been

If I didn’t choose to let u in.

But in this life there are no regrets

No love lost, no boxes unchecked

We are what we were and nothing less

The day our lives changed, the day our eyes met