Please Move Around...

Yes I guess I have taken this “protect yourself at all costs” to a new level. Maybe what I’ve done now is create more work than necessary to get in deep with me. But on whose standards should I base this on? I know that I am worth something and I know that I deserve to be treated well and with respect. I will not settle for less than that. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. It’s fine with me either way. It’s that “shit or get off the pot” mentality. Either get on the bus or not, but don’t get on and complain about the trip. You accepted your surroundings when you arrived at the terminal and stepped foot on the transportation. I may be taking what I’ve experienced out onto the next person who chooses to be in my life, but I’ve been conditioned to be the way I am, and I’m not changing for anyone NOR am I asking for you to change for me. So if this is too much for you or if you are not willing to deal with how I am, then by all means PLEASE move around and let someone who IS willing be next in line…

Happy New Year! We Welcome You, 2011!

New Year resolutions are easier to set then to accomplish. I’m looking to make goals or changes in my life that will lead to a better happier me. Everyone could stand to make some changes as long as they are for the better.

Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

This time of year the Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I've been through some heavy things this year which I will not recreate in my future. Some things will need to be left behind in order for my future to be different than how my past has been...

Be safe tonight and every night... Make thought out choices and think BEYOND THE MOMENT!! So many people make decisions based on TODAY without any thought whatsoever to TOMORROW... Happy New Year 2 u all! Much luv and *smooches*!

Christmas Past, Present and Future...

So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".

Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...

Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.

Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...

Hopefully...

Sometimes we don’t know why people were put into our lives until they are no longer IN our lives. Some horrible situations can bring out the best in you and the people whose lives you influence by being in theirs. We never know what things people can pull out of you while in your life. Those things can either be bad things or good things… At the time, we don’t realize what’s going on but after it’s over hopefully you’ll know. Hopefully you’ve learned something. Hopefully, you’ve grown... Hopefully you’ve learned something about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. Hopefully you’ve changed for the better. Hopefully…

"Music is Therapy"

It’s funny how someone will play a song or two and something in those songs will inspire you to think… To reflect... To look @ yourself and others in a new way… As a friend of mine said, “Music is therapy” and I would agree with him. Songs provoke emotion, regardless of what emotion it brings out of you at the time, it’s helpful, it’s freeing, it’s necessary. Music is very important to me as is dancing and writing. They all have the same effect on me and ALL bring me joy. When I’m on that dance floor, sometimes I feel as if I’m the only one in that club, in that room, on that floor. I RARELY listen to the words of a song, but the beat, the way it makes me feel to hear it brings something out of me. I don’t go to the club for the same reason some people may go, I go for the MUSIC… “Music is therapy.” Yes it is…

Dear Grandma,

I know you are aware of what I'm about to write before these words hit the screen, but I have to get them out. I love you for the woman you were, the woman you created - My Mother, and for the strength that was passed down from you, to her and then given to me.

I apologize for not making it to your burial on Saturday, but I also know you understand why. As the head of my household, I am responsible for my children and will ALWAYS put them before myself. That's what good parent's do and that's what my Mom does for me. My thoughts, blessings and prayers are with you from this day to the next.

I would like for you to give my Mother closure and to lift her heart because I know that she feels guilty for not being there with you when you passed on, however, she was here with her children and grandchildren, busy putting us before herself. She assisted me by helping me be there with you in her place and for THAT and many other reasons, I am eternally grateful. She allowed ME to gain closure. I was able to speak to you, to hold your hand and to tell you I love you for that final time and I was able to hear you say those same words to me. Without her doing this for me, I would have missed out on a very precious moment that we were able to share.

Give both Granddaddy and Meechy hugs and kisses for me each day. Those two meant the world to me as do you, My Mother, and my children. Out of all of this sadness, there are things to be thankful for which are: you are no longer ill, no longer in pain, and no longer suffering.

As I told Janelle who also wrote something for you, "Grandma is now among the Angels". As I was able to say to you on Thanksgiving, "I love you, Grandma" - from this day to the next.

Monarch

Monarch butterfly, fly high and fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Beautiful to watch, beautiful to observe, beautiful to see

Strong in flight, strong in faith, strong in her beliefs

Blessed are we that you gave me and my brothers our lovely Mom

Who shows us love whether we’re right or whether we’re wrong

Grandma now joins Grandaddy and Meechy in that heavenly place

Where I hope to join them one day, please make me some space

Her stories, her bible verses, her songs were ever present

God and Jesus were her strength and she loved them both at great length

She made sure we were aware of who they were and what they meant

Made sure we were baptized and of our sins we repent

Monarch butterfly, fly high and please fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don’t know what I will say or do

Makes me nervous and scared sometimes too

Sometimes my replies are reactions and nothing more

Calculated though sometimes, I want to settle the score

Although sometimes I react with thought and precision

Sometimes my reactions have goals and visions

That sometimes occurs when I’m not ready to behold

Sometimes my words flow like rivers of gold

Sometimes I spend time on things that don’t matter at all

Sometimes I lend a hand to others when they fall

Sometimes that person who falls is me and I see

That sometimes I fall to increase the strength that I need

Without Them...

I wonder if these breaks in my writing will continue or will I become inspired again… I guess inspired may be the wrong word here but maybe my NEED to write has certainly slowed down. There was a time I HAD to write in order to get my feelings out so that I can truly let them go, but I’ve changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed for the better or for the worse… I know I’m a stronger person NOW than I’ve ever been and that isn’t bad at all. Some people think that bad relationships aren’t good for you but I disagree. You learn a lot about yourself while going through the hardest times in your life. These are the times that we become a stronger, better person. I’m not sure if that would necessarily happen without trials and tribulations, but I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

Silence...

Silence… Something I should practice more of instead of putting words on my fist like boxing gloves.

Words can be daggers, knives or guns The battles I’ve lost total more than I’ve won.

No battles have winners if you stop and think. Just time lost during the fights and it’s gone in a blink.

What are we fighting for sometimes no one knows. A relationship can be over just as fast as the wind blows.

Everyone loses there are rarely winners you see. Sometimes silence is needed in order to agree.

The Day Our Eyes Met

The smile on my face covers the tears in my eyes.

I'm stronger than u'll ever realize..

My mind wants to shout but my mouth just grins

instead of hitting yo punk azz in the chin...

The words that I say approach with such haste

Gives my mouth such a horrible taste.

I can’t stop them coming they flow with such ease

I must stop living for you but for ME…

U’re all I know, all I have, all I want in this life

Why must u cause me such sickness and strife?

A love like this is wonderful and rare

I must take it and give it to someone who’ll care

Sometimes I sit, stop and think

If I didn’t respond to that first wink

What would my life have been

If I didn’t choose to let u in.

But in this life there are no regrets

No love lost, no boxes unchecked

We are what we were and nothing less

The day our lives changed, the day our eyes met

Nice Place...

I’m at a nice place. Not good, not bad, but NICE… I have things going on like everyone does, but it’s good to not be down and out or have that feeling of being lost with no way of seeing an upside to things.

This blog has really done a lot for me and my healing process while going through some major events in my life. I know some people who have read my writing have also said that it has helped them also. I’m grateful to have an outlet which brings happiness to me, the people around me and probably to some that I may not even know.

My problems are not just mine alone. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through the issues I have. It helps to see how others have overcome obstacles regardless of how small they may seem. While going through them, they seem bigger than life…

I used to be “Happy Go Lucky” ALL the time and that did nothing but assist me in getting run over. I have down moments like everyone does, but I try to recognize that and change it once I notice that it’s happening. Positivity goes a long way. Life is forever evolving and unfortunately not always for the better. The only thing we can do is evolve with it. I’ve written before that not all change is bad, it’s just different and DIFFERENT is not always bad either.

Love is a HARD Feeling...

Love is such a hard feeling. Hard to understand, hard to sort out, hard to put words to. It’s a feeling that sometimes hits you in the face and you’re not ready for, sometimes it creeps up on your and you’re not ready for that either. Either way, how do you describe it? How do you know when you’re in love? How do you end the love you have for someone and open yourself up enough to receive it from someone else? How do you stop feeling the love you have for someone to allow yourself to give it to someone new? Love is hard to begin, hard to end, hard to mend, hard to lend… Love is such a hard feeling…

Things to Remember in September...

I know it’s just the 23rd of September, however so far, this month has been SUCKY from the beginning until now! I feel like I’m being tested and my grade so far is less than I’d like it to be. Things everywhere are being affected and I don’t like what I see. In order to get a different outcome, I have to do something different… I’m making changes for my future, letting myself go (not physically in that area I’m doing well in), taking some protective walls down… I need to be more positive, not letting so many people in and having more control over my own situations, whether it is my work environment or my personal life. I’m not sure if these areas are where my changes need to be, however it’s a beginning.

Unfortunately, since some of those walls that have protected me are being slowly removed, I have allowed myself to be more open which has also permitted me to be more hurt recently then normal. THIS MUST STOP! I keep myself guarded as to not allow anyone in enough to hurt me. I’m losing in this battle this month and since I realize the problem, it’s an easy fix. I must remember that only a FEW people’s opinions matter! Anyone outside of that very SMALL circle does not matter! It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for people, I love everyone, but I must protect my heart at all cost!

I need to also remember that some people’s role in my life is not of importance. What things WERE are no longer what they need to BE! Things are different, I am different. My whole life is different therefore I must react differently. My same responses to people, to situations should be different. My outlook on life is different. This to me means that I’m growing, I’m learning, and changing! Nothing can be wrong with that!

Remembering September 11, 2001...

This was written a couple of years ago... Thought it fitting to post here... This day...

Do you remember where you were then? I do, and I'll never forget it for the rest of my days...

I was sitting at work at Austin Community College at the front desk across from the Student Lounge. It has since been revamped and things moved around, but that day is clear in my mind. The office was empty at the time and I was there, bored out of my mind and just sitting there watching all of the students in the lounge. Something grabbed my attention, though. The TV in the lounge was on and it hardly ever was especially that early in the morning. The volume was off until someone decided to cut it on as well. All heads were cocked up toward the screen. Some people were crying others had there hands covering their mouths and a lot of people were standing around all peering at the screen. I then moved from my desk to the hallway so that I could see the TV better and then more people started coming out of the offices. As I looked on the screen, they began showing a playback of what happened and it was the first plane hitting the tower! We couldn't believe it! At first I thought that it was a horrible accident and I immediately began to cry. As I stood there watching the screen seeing the smoke bellow out of the building, the second plane hit and I knew precisely then what was going on. My co-worker Olga at the time, was overwhelmed with emotion. I remember how hard she was crying and I tried to comfort her, but it's even harder to comfort someone when you are equally overcome with emotion yourself. As the news spread throughout the building, employees began to call their loved ones who live in New York to check on them and two people, in particular, were petrified. Both of their spouses were in New York on business and were supposed to be on a plane that morning and in the area of the World Trade Center. I remember their panicked faces as they tried to phone them, but to no avail. The phone lines that morning were tremendously busy! No calls were making it out to that area. Soon, all of us were in the Student Lounge watching the screen. I don't believe any work or anything was accomplished that day.

At home, that night was horrible. The TV stations played the crashes over and over and it was on every network. But one thing in particular grabbed a hold of me. It was a documentary of a guy who was a firefighter in New York. All footage was being taped live as it happened. The scene when the first plane hit and the firefighters were on the way into the building and the sound of the jumpers hitting the ground. In the movie he says, "We all heard it. That sound. No one said a word. You can't describe it. Upon hearing it, you know exactly what it is. You know how bad it is up there if people would rather jump to their deaths than burn to death in the building." I'll never forget that sound or those words for the rest of my life. I've watched the airing of that show every year since 9/11.

One thing that I remember proudly, was the outpouring of TOGETHERNESS that was shown throughout the country after this happened. It has slowly faded away since. EVERYONE either had a flag at their house, on their clothes even on their car. We were one country and it was beautiful! We need to get that feeling back that we all had after this horrible event happened. We all shared in the tragedy, the grief and in the sorrow. We were one, one country truly indivisible.

The lives of the people who perished that day should be remembered, forever.

AHA!!

What I want and need is important. I AM IMPORTANT to me and my children. This may seem like a “DUH” moment to some people, but to ME, it’s an “AHA” moment (as Oprah would call it.) Not everyone realizes their importance. Not everyone sees what other people see. Not everyone views themselves as others view them. (In some cases that may be a good thing…) Some people believe they are more important in your life then they TRULY are… Maybe YOU need to be reminded of your OWN worth rather than them reminding you of how important they SHOULD be… Oftentimes, when you are around negative people enough or people who tell you that you aren’t worth much, we begin to believe them. We think that what this person says is true because you’ve heard it so often. It’s the same with people who lie all the time. It’s easy for them to pass a lie detector test because they’ve told so many lies that the lies BECOME the truth, at least to THEM. I think women have the hardest time with realizing their worth. They’ve been beaten on, sometimes literally, and broken down that it becomes hard to see yourself as anything MORE. I’m here to tell you, there is more out there for all of us once we realize that we DESERVE it!

Too Much To Ask For??

I've been asked several times if I know what I want in a relationship. I guess that is a good question considering my marriage just ended. It's something to give alot of thought to PRIOR to getting involved with someone new. It's helpful to know what I will expect of someone and what I will and WILL NOT put up with.

I would like someone in my life who has all these things listed below... Not necessarily in that order but who has ALL these qualities for sure! Some of you may think that these items are NO-BRAINERS, but believe me to some people some of these things don't exist at all...

*Someone who will love my children as if they are their own

*Someone who is loyal

*Who would love me more than they love their friends although friends are important and we can't lose our individuality while being together

*A PARTNER financially (not someone to take care of me or me of him but someone who can assist in taking care of the household WITH me)

*Someone who values my opinions as I do theirs

*Someone who will walk NEXT to me instead of trying to walk ahead of me

*Someone who will only put their hands on me in a loving fashion and not to cause me pain

*A man who can stand on his own and be a man without me being more responsible than him

*A man who can compliment me and NOT take over me

*Sense of Humor

I know I've left some things out since I was making the list off the top of the dome, but it's a good list to start off with that's for sure. As I've said in earlier posts, "... history repeats itself... but only if the variables remain unchanged..." There are certain areas of MY history that in NO WAY would I want to re-live again, so in order to prevent that from happening, I have to make some changes! I've done so somewhat, but our lives, our situations, our futures are forever changing and I want a say so in MINE!!

Lil Wayne - Ice Cream Paint Job (LYRICS ON SCREEN!!!)

My Inspiration...

A couple of people have told me that my blog has inspired them to begin to write and to all of y'all I saw "Thank You!" Believe it or not, some of you are my inspirations as well.. Maybe not to WRITE, but to attempt to be a better person to myself. To not be so hard on myself. To not judge myself so unfairly against others. To recognize how I need to allow myself to fail and to know that it's okay to do so. To learn my self worth and my strength. To be able to see a positive future although my past is less than perfect. Some of these things are hard to see when not paying attention to yourself because you are spending so much time attempting to fix others while your own mess is stacking up. None of us are alone in our daily fight and together, no fight is a losing battle.

Most people that are inspirations have NO IDEA that you feel that way about them. They spend their time just doing what they do all the while, we notice them. They make us want to be better people. They make us want to be our best so that we can prove to the world (and to ourselves) that we aren't bad people. It's so important to smile these days, you never know whose day you're making by having that smile to show the world. We never know what issues people are facing in their own homes, but EVERYONE has SOMETHING that they are dealing with, that's for sure whether they want to express it or not. Everyone's day can become brighter just by a silent smile.

My Mom and my children are my daily inspirations. They make me want the best for them. They make me want to prove to them that no matter what things happen to you or what things you go through, you never give up! Regardless of the pain you're in, you can make it through! I am who I am today because of them.

Just Disappointed...

Ok... I know I can be a handful to some people, but I gotta be me whether it's something other people can deal with or not... I am who I am and I don't apologize for a damn thing. Love me or hate me, it's your decision but either way I'm still winning because I'm on YOUR mind... This post may sound like I'm angry, I'm not... Just disappointed... Disappointed in some people who can allow things to get to them to the point that they miss out on a great person. Disappointed that others can allow things to come inbetween me and them to the point where we split apart... Disappointed that I'm expected to do things for other people when that same expectation can't be returned... Disappointed that I give ALL of who I am when the other person can get away with giving me just a simple fraction of who they are... I'm just disappointed...