Tidbits by Tiki!! (My Page is my Podium)

Dreams Teach.. Listen to Them...

2012-02-08T06:16:00.004-06:00

I rarely dream, or at least I rarely remember what I dream but this morning I awoke with a revelation and with tears streaming down my face. It appears that I was in New York or some place with mountainous buildings as far as I could view with all of them extrememly close together. I, along with countless others were "building jumping" atop them. It's like a camera zoomed in from the cement sidewalk to me on the rooftop. I was surrounded by 30 or so folks all doing as I am, "building jumping", all with somewhere to go. Except me. I had the feeling that I had no where to go to exactly, but yet there I was with everyone else. I come to a halt on top of a building that was almost the same width as me. When I made the successful leap, I sat down and refused to go any further. The folks behind me made no attempt to change my mind of the fact that I decided to sit instead of continuing on, they just went another route and continued on their way. One gentleman in particular decided to stop and talk to me and tried unsuccessfully for quite awhile. I was impressed by him. He never ceased in his motivation. A woman also stopped, she I recognized as someone I went to high school with. (I can't recall her name but when I see her again, I'm sure I'll weep.) When I saw her familiar face, I began to cry and she asked me, "Tiki, why won't you jump? You came this far?" I said, "I'm scared, what if I fall?" She said, "What IF you fall? What would happen?" I then exclaimed, "I would DIE!" She then explained, "Ok, and what if you died? Wouldn't you be with God? Isn't that where we all WANT to be?" as she opened her arms and pointed to all those folks around me. I WOKE UP, LITERALLY AND SPIRITUALLY this morning!

Fire

2011-12-08T09:49:00.005-06:00

Early morning RISERS

Put out early morning FIRES

Don’t wanna first TIMER

My body REQUIRES a CLIMBER,a DIVIDER

Or an occasional SUPERVISOR

Who can dictate to his ADMIRERS

And expand on his DESIRES

I need him here before my FIRE EXPIRES

Interested? Taking INQUIRES..

Don’t need an ADVERTISER

Only want someone to be my TRANQUILIZER

Real..

2011-12-08T07:42:00.002-06:00

Times and things change and remain the same regardless of what the hands on the clock say. Things happen as they should and for no other reason than that. My mind is clear, my heart is free, but my brain is thirsty.. Longing for stimulation that comes from another soul. This thirst can not be quenched on its own. The desire is rich and longing to be quenched. It's powerful, strong.. Almost hungry.. Something must be done to satisfy this beast.. I KNOW!! I.. Gotta.. Find.. REAL.. LOVE...

Love vs. HATE

2011-10-31T14:42:00.004-05:00

Love is a feeling that is hard to describe, hard to mask, hard to hide..

It comes in the room with force, with fury, with magnitude..

It should not be explained, nor hidden, nor questioned...

It doesn't need a reason, a location, nor an invitation...

All it wants is acknowledgement, a committment, and time to flourish...

Problem with this is, HATE asks for some of the same things. Hate is easier though, grows faster, quicker to spread, and lasts longer.. This world.. Sounds like we pay attention to things we shouldn't and the things we should pay attention to we let go..

I wonder why that is? Are we so scared to fall in love with someone that we allow the faults that someone has out weigh the good in them? Are we so selfish that we don't want to allow someone else to share the life that we have so calculatingly built for ourselves? Or is it that we are so scared of the possibility of getting hurt that we don't want to open that door to allow someone in?? In doing so, are we REALLY just hurting ourselves in the process because we're really longing for someone to fill that hole that the last relationship left?? The same hands that we love each other with can be the very same hands that cause each other harm.. Wow..

I don't know these are questions I have to ask myself, but am too nervous to.. I know the answers for ME, do you know the answers to these questions for yourself?? Man.. What a crazy world we live in...

My Mother

2011-10-28T08:06:00.002-05:00

‎70 years ago TODAY, the most precious of God's creations was placed on this Earth to bring love, truth and joy amongst the rest of his people.. I thank HIM for my Mother and for giving me such a wonderful inspiration to mold me and my girls' after! Mom, I love, adore and cherish YOU and all the times we spend together! *smooches*

Mother Nature

2011-10-14T15:22:00.002-05:00

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve been FASCINATED with tornadoes and the sheer strength and power that winds can hold. It’s AMAZING to me how the same wind that blows my girls’ hair is the SAME wind that tears apart families and wreck homes. The same sky that we admire a rainbow in can be the SAME sky that kills. It’s something I just can’t comprehend.

Mother Nature and her fury can not be controlled, stopped or prevented in any way! She does what she wants and in what time frame she wants to do it in, not BEFORE and NOT LATER.. Her power can not be contained, nor captured, and would we want to? What would we do with it if we could? Better yet, knowing this country as we do WHAT WOULD WE DO? I’m scared to imagine that.

Until we figure her out though, we must be prepared for the terror she brings for we can not know when it will come. The notice she gives is short and sometimes there is none at all. Wow. Am I talking about “Mother Nature” still… OR.. Am I talking about.. Me??

Potpourri V

2011-09-22T13:34:00.003-05:00

Today is one of those days where I come to my keyboard to see what will happen and to see if something comes from NOTHING.. The "nothing" I speak of isn't me, it means I have no pre-planned idea of where this may take me but it usually takes me to where it needs to.. It's less DIFFICULT to let the words flow than to plan where they are going..

{TROY DAVIS - R.I.P.} When this blog began several years ago, I wanted to move all my writings from Myspace and then it turned political when Obama ran for office.. It has had it's share of public events, poems, videos and writings of course by yours truly. All of you who TRULY know me KNOW how I feel about PEOPLE in general. I love folks and love seeing smiles on folks faces. FROM WHAT I KNOW about this man's trial, I feel as though something here went terribly wrong.. A friend of mine posted this on their Facebook page: "The last words of Troy Davis... Strapped to the lethal-injection gurney, Davis lifted his head and looked at the MacPhail family, and said, The incident that night was not my fault, I did not have a gun. I did not personally kill your son, father and brother. I am innocent. So sad.." True, people sit on death row who are innocent. People die on death row that are innocent.. This time something was different though. The coming together everyone felt to try and save this man's life not truly knowing if he was innocent or not but yet STILL attempting to save someone meant something. Why are these efforts not done every day? We gotta do better folks.. (Ok.. Whew.. I had to get that out..)

Now. I've been coming into myself lately.. Thinking positively, reacting slower.. Things are changing for me and I think it has alot to do with the people I choose to hang around or be involved with. Your "circle" has alot to do with YOU whether you want to think that way or not. They influence you one way or another, your thoughts, your reactions, your places you venture all have to do with your "CIRCLE". My "Circle" has become relatively smaller lately and for that I pat myself on the back. Making difficult decisions is just that, DIFFICULT. Doesn't mean it shouldn't be done, just means it's harder to do.

Letting folks in to the most inner parts of you is HELLA stressful but necessary. It's DIFFICULT to allow yourself to open up to the risk of being hurt but at the same time you're allowing yourself the opportunity to possibly be HAPPY. Wouldn't that risk be WORTH IT THEN? Happiness is not something everyone can rejoice in, but it's definetly something everyone should experience.. Happiness and love.. Those two feelings should be felt by everyone.

I was told lately that I have to "let things go" or to "not hold a grudge". I can forgive anything and everyone, my problem is forgetting what I am forgiving.. That is DIFFICULT for me. After being hurt or wronged I need my space to deal with my feelings sometimes which isn't always good, but it's how I deal with things. Understanding the difference in how people handle their emotions is important and vital to comprehending how folks operate.

This is part V of "Potpourri".. My way of saying - here are my thoughts and take them for what they're worth! No rhyme or reason.. This is what happens when I wait a month to write in this blog! ;0)

Good Ole' Paper and Pen

2011-08-31T15:08:00.000-05:00

Good ole paper and pen.. How have you been?

You’ve been missing for awhile and I can tell you’ve been gone.. My thoughts are crossed and I’m singing sad songs..

I need clarity in mind and in my heart and without you there I can’t express thru art.

Lately I see things that I don’t like to view and if I can’t keep it in then I may as well tell you.

I’m struggling with things that I can not change and matter of fact they are driving me insane.

I’m getting hurt easily and letting things thru, that I normally would never allow them to.

I know my feelings are mine alone and I have no problems taking them as my own.

It’s just difficult when friends are gone and when all you can do is be alone.

I’m not nervous about that in the least, it just hurts when you go from the one with the most to the one with the least.

None of this is true none of this is fact, but it doesn’t change how those around me act.

LIFE Moves On...

2011-06-21T10:43:00.003-05:00

The time in-between my posts are becoming longer and longer and that bothers me.. I’m not sure if the time that it’s taking me to write is because I can’t pull myself to write anything or is it because I have nothing to say.. Those of you who know me know that I ALWAYS have something to say so what is it?? Writing is my outlet, my hobby, my past time, my “VISE” (previous post) so why haven’t I been writing then?? I think it’s because I’m either not sure of what I’m going to say or it’s because I don’t want to deal with the feelings I’m experiencing..

I knew these days would come.. I’ve dreaded them for weeks now. The anniversaries of my wedding and my divorce are side by side, right next to each other… It’s been a year since my divorce so why does this bother me still? I know it’s ONLY been a year but shouldn’t I be ok? Shouldn’t I be over this? My friend described divorce as a “death of a marriage” and with any death there is pain.. With any death there are memories.. With any death there is loss..

You know you never go into anything with the thought of it NOT working out. Of it NOT following through.. Of it NOT being all that it can be.. On the day of our wedding, me and my Ex were surrounded by folks who did not want us to be together. We were the only 2 in the room who saw any promise in US. Were we blind? Were we too in love to care? I was.. I wanted us to prove everyone in that room wrong. I wanted to show them that we could do anything we put our minds to. I wanted us to be something that no one in that room thought that we could be. Unfortunately, everyone was right… That’s a GIGANTIC pill to swallow.. Everyone KNEW we would fail, and we did.. Wow.

So, how do you pull yourself up from where you have fallen? Sheessh, I don’t know.. I wish I DID know so I can help someone else with this.. Somehow, you just DO! If you have children like me who look up to you, you just DO it! You just get up and make it happen; you’ll have time to cry later! Time moves on, LIFE moves on! You have to prove to your children and yourself that you can cross what ever bridge lies in front of you with no FEAR and NO DOUBT! It’s hard, I won’t tell it isn’t, BUT it’s NECESSARY! Your children learn from YOU! YOU are their inspiration! You are their STRENGTH! If that’s not MOTIVATION for you, then I don’t know what is…

I’ll get passed these next few days as I’ve gotten passed the last few.. With my head held high, my chest poked out and belief in myself that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I’m not a religious person, but I’m a spiritual one! I KNOW I couldn’t have survived the things I’ve been through in my life without HIM and I will continue to as long as he is by my side.

So now, I sit before you a changed person; a stronger person who is ready to receive what lies before me. I’m ready to move forward and to accept what is being given to me. My life is for me to live and not wallow on what could’ve been or what I should’ve done. I’ve learned from every situation I’ve found myself in. I’ve seen what mistakes I’ve made and they will not be repeated! Life is full of lessons. It’s what you do with what you’ve learned that will make the difference…

Storm and THEN the CALM...

2011-05-12T10:31:00.000-05:00

Usually my mood does not coincide with the weather but TODAY tears flow as the rain falls... I can’t get a hold of myself today… As one of my friends told me this morning, “Tiki, you always encourage other folks” and I try to, but every once in awhile I am the one who needs encouragement. Recently, I have been overwhelmingly emotional and I believe the MAIN reason is because I haven’t dealt with the feelings of my divorce. Wow.. I just had an “Aha Moment” just then.. The things you find out by writing…

I try to hide my emotions from my kids, by that I mean tears since the separation/divorce.. I want them to feel protected and experience the feeling of “My Mom’s GOT THIS!” Every once in awhile though, I break down.. It’s usually in the car by myself or in the bathroom where I can cover the sobs with water running.. Recently though, it’s been rough…

I wrote about it last year during a rough patch “Tears Fall for No Reason” and I guess it’s that time again.. I don’t know, I guess things are harder for me than I let on.. The appearance of a STRONG person is easier to portray than a DEVASTATED one…

This is the storm and I’ll return to calm once this is all over.. I need my time.. My emotions are raw and are mine to hash through… Just.. Give me my time…

Be Patient...

2011-05-11T10:30:00.000-05:00

Tapping into your emotional self is important for your personal growth as well as for your growth in other relationships... I have been told that I have allowed a prior relationship to make me “tap out” which isn’t surprising to me, but it is surprising that others can see something that I could barely see myself. I’m worn out, I agree but “tapping out” isn’t something I’m known for. I’m glad this friend took it upon herself to enlighten me on something that I need to work on. That’s a true friend right there and I love her dearly for it!

The relationship she is referring to has left me emotionally drained and confused on things that I know should not be hard to determine. It has left me wanting things, longing for things that have not previously been important to me but now seem MONSTROUS in size and I can’t look beyond them… So what should be done?? Unfortunately only I can answer this question... I’ve been fighting this for awhile now and need assistance with it; however that is also something that I’m not used to doing as well...

You know when you long for something that you once had and no longer have around you? This is different… This is longing for something that you’ve NEVER had… It’s wanting something that you’ve seen other people with but you know nothing of how it feels to have… It’s the oddest thing.. The hardest thing… It’s one thing to long for something that you’ve had, it’s quite another to want something you’ve NEVER had and have no idea how having THAT THING can be… On top of all that’s its hella frustrating and you can’t be satisfied until you get what that THING is… I want it badly and it’s up to me to get it… In order to receive this THING, I have to be willing, open, and accepting of it when it comes my way.. So, what do I do in the mean time?? Be patient…

SHIT?

2011-05-05T08:45:00.001-05:00

I want that soap opera love shit, that love that you only see on tv shit

I had that Lifetime channel shit, now I want that life time long shift

Not that hit you in the eye ‘til it’s swole shit, but that hit you in the heart that never gets old shit

I want that monogamous shit, that love that’s only between me and you type shit

I want that equal shit, that one on one, only me and you type shit

I’ll give all my shit to you type shit, for you to give all of you to me type shit

Do you think this shit exists? Or is all this shit some bull type shit?

I know this shit exists, cuz I’ve seen this type shit

But why does my shit always end up just being… SHIT?

I'm Doing This For Me!

2011-05-03T10:11:00.001-05:00

Not everyone will understand you, your issues and what you’ve been through but is it really FOR them to comprehend? I mean, does it matter if they don’t? I believe there are some people in this world whose sole purpose is to cause harm... I mean EVERYONE has their role in this life and unfortunately not everyone was placed in yours to be good to you. It sucks to think of this that way but how else is there to think of it? I’m sure everyone has SOMEONE in their life that causes nothing but hurt and either you can get that person out of your life or you have to deal with their mess… Either way, they are a part/were a part of your existence, unfortunately…

So then the next question is “How do you deal with them while they are IN your life?” Your survival must be centered on your well being and with this person there your happiness can be jeopardized. So, what do you do? The easy answer would be to remove this person from your surroundings but THAT is not as easy as it sounds… Certain circumstances can hinder this from occurring… So then what? Since you can not remove them, remove yourself? That can open up another case of the “why are you doing this to ME?” The best answer to this question for me is, “I’m not doing anything TO you, I’m doing this FOR me!”

Soul Search'n...

2011-04-19T09:45:00.000-05:00

MY world is a complex one… One that needs explanation but there are no words to describe it that exists at the moment… Sometimes I feel all alone with my issues, pondering how to get out of these situations, out of these problems, out of my life… I know I have to continue on my way because I have two children counting on me to do so but I feel like I’m on my own fighting, wishing and praying for a way out, but the answer doesn’t seem to be available for me or what I see is so blurry and convoluted that nothing seems clear…

So what should be done to fix this? No one has any answers or any solutions for me… Nothing that I do works so what’s left then? What is to be done to fix the shyt that’s going on? It sucks when you do all that you can do to correct something but nothing changes… Although I’m NO quitter, sometimes I feel like giving up is the way to go… It’s the easiest thing to do for sure… It seems that it’s the way out, but is it really the answer?

When everyone else has given up on you, it feels so good to know that you still have ONE person in your corner… Sometimes, I am this person for folks, but, where do I go when I need someone in MY corner?? I know GOD is there for me and always has been; however sometimes I need someone HERE to lean on…

I know this may sound a little depressing to read, but sometimes even the most POSITIVE folks you know have down days…The key is to not allow these down DAYS to multiply and become “down weeks”… I’ll pull myself outta this slump I’m in, but until then, I have some soul searching to do…

Give, REGARDLESS?

2011-04-19T09:20:00.003-05:00

What if the appreciation you seek from someone outside of yourself is not returned? Does that mean that you didn’t do enough for them OR does that mean that who you did it for was not worthy of receiving your gifts? Either way, the feeling that you have after this will be hard to deal with, but you have to remember that when we do things for other people it is for the good of OURSELVES whether it is accepted or not.. You hope that it will be well received but in the end, you tried… You attempted to do good for someone else REGARDLESS of how it was interpreted, taken, denied or not returned… Just think, if doing something for someone else didn’t have any good intentions behind it for you, then nothing GOOD will come out of it at all if it wasn’t received…

Now, with all that being said, is that SELFISH to do things for the good of YOU? Maybe, but during Christmas time we say it is “Better to GIVE than to RECEIVE.” What does that mean? Same instance as here, but for some reason some people whom we consistently/constantly give TO do not deserve our attempts… So, do we stop giving or do we stop caring that it’s not received??

Simpler...

2011-04-18T10:59:00.003-05:00

Good things CAN happen on bad days, you just have to acknowledge them when they occur… I’m trying to do better with things in my life and notice things (good and bad) faster than I have been accustomed to doing… This allows me to react accordingly and much faster then I have previously… I believe if I would’ve done this sooner, my life would have gone down a different path then it has… It’s not too late for changes to be made! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.. Just may take longer, you have to be more patient, and the tricks may need to be simpler…

Edification...

2011-04-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

It hurts when you recognize that someone is hurting as you have, made the same mistakes that you did, and that has the same negative thoughts that you had.. Then you realize that you had to go through those same things to become the person you are today.. Be thankful for the trials/tribulations you've experienced, those hard times have taught you invaluable life lessons that no book, teacher, or class could have…

I’m not knockin’ teachers, books, or classrooms I mean I’ve worked in colleges and universities for most of my adult life. What I’m saying is that life lessons can have EDUCATION in it that you can not receive from a book. Experience can have more schooling in it then any degree can.. Now as I said before, I’m not knockin’ education, I’m sayin’ that edification can come without a degree…

I am hella FEISTY!!

2011-03-30T12:38:00.002-05:00

There are people in this world who r gonna wanna try you,

Give ‘em all a door and push their ass and their ‘ttude thru,

I’m tired of this bullshit and the game of who wanna hurt who,

Just keep it pushin’, keep it steppin’ and try somebody else Boo!

I’m not ur doormat for u to walk on, ur games don’t get no play here,

I see thru u and yo shit and on this face they’ll be no tears,

Tell the mothafuckaz who r witchu I have no fear,

While all my homies got my back and ready with THEIR own gear!

No one standing by will be needed or even necessary,

I’m ready for you and you can call all of my adversaries,

You’ll NEED those who will attempt or wanna try me,

Cuz I’ve been told thru out my years that I am hella feisty!!

Speaks...

2011-03-22T14:55:00.001-05:00

As he stands there at the mic with his eyez closed in deep concentration

Preparing to let the words flow from his divided lips, his art touches me

In a way I can’t explain nor do I want to. It’s something I hold dear,

Something that is for me and me alone to wonder where his mind is, as he

Strokes MY mind, body and soul with his gems.. I sit there unknowingly drifting

Side to side while I listen and fly slowly out of the room to where he takes me with his

Expressions. He opens his eyes and sees a crowded room while all the time I see

Only him. He speaks again and I begin to soar oh so softly out of the room again and I only,

See him, hear him, feel him just in those words he so softly…

Speaks...

Worth Shoutin'!

2011-03-17T09:37:00.002-05:00

All that glitters AIN’T diamonds,

Day in and day out, I’m grindin’,

It’s in me to succeed so I’m tryin',

You know me, no need for remindin’

What I want and deserve is worth findin’

All the hills and mountains I’m still climbin’

All the while on my face I am smilin’

Things I want are worth all my fightin’

There are folks in my way I’m removin’

What they want they won’t get so I’m blockin’

Their hands and their feet – they aren’t landin’

This fight, I’m smirkin’cuz I’m winnin’

This direction I’m in now is preparin’

Me for what I knew all along, I’m transformin’

Which makes the outcomes I receive worth shoutin’!

LIE

2011-03-04T11:38:00.001-06:00

What is there that I DESPISE

More than a LIE

Regardless of WHY…

Makes me CRY

While my insides DIE

And what do you IMPLY

That you’d rather DEFY

My feelings and TRY

To fix things BY

Explaining and trying to BUY

Yourself time to APPLY

The answers I RELY

So heavily on to SUPPLY

Myself some relief and I TRY

To understand before I become SHY

And say to you... GoodBYE…

Stoves

2011-02-24T13:43:00.002-06:00

Why does it take some of us so many times to go through something to realize the hurt in it? It’s like watching a kid touch a stove and burning themselves… The next time they approach the stove slowly because they are EXPECTING to get burned; however they become confused when they touch it and DON’T get burned, not realizing that the stove isn’t even on at all this time. After this occurs, you see the child once more approaching the stove but THIS time, they don’t hesitate at all because they remember that they were not burned the last time they touched it, however THIS TIME, the stove is on and they ONCE AGAIN are burnt… People have to figure out things for themselves regardless how many times you tell them…

What is with dealing with people in our lives that are our “STOVES”? Is it the fact that we never know what we are going to get or is it the UNKNOWN that excites us? Why be fascinated by the unknown at all? Wouldn’t it better to KNOW that you will NOT get hurt than to be uncertain of WHEN the hurt will occur? Stoves have many different degrees; however they ALSO have an off switch! In order to ensure you will no longer be tempted or hurt by the stove in your life, cut it off so that you can be confident that it will no longer hurt you. People, we gotta do better!

Potpourri IV

2011-02-17T10:10:00.002-06:00

Well I can’t believe I’ve written 200+ blog posts here on Blogger!! I guess I truely have had a lot of things to say… That part doesn’t surprise me but the fact that I’ve gotten everything out that I’ve wanted to say DOES. I know that may be shocking to some people but I’m not the same person that I used to be… I’m more insightful now and I tend to look at things differently than I used to… I look out more for ME now and less about what others need or want. I’ve gone through some HEAVY things in my life… I’ve been through it all and have overcome it all. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been and I’m more in touch with the world around me more than ever before.

I’ve come to the realization that things are as they are for a reason. The reasons aren’t usually clear at the moment, but when that moment has passed I have been able to see WHY it has happened the way that it has. You don’t always have to be the WINNER in a situation to be better because of it… Every situation has learning potential. What you choose to take out of a situation is what will teach you more about yourself than what the situation itself has… I’m more positive now than ever… I see things in a different light than ever before… Maybe it’s because “40” isn’t that far off or because I’m more mature now, I don’t know… I’ve been mature for most of my life although I can clown around with the best of them. I’m a deep chick though, best believe. My life’s situations have made me see things sometimes that other people don’t see. Me being so BLUNT about things can cause friction with some, but MAINLY viewed as love from MOST.

“So Tiki, what are you sayin’?” Nothing and everything.. Something and Nothing. It’s “Potpourri IV”! I don’t have to have a reason to write. My reason to write is the reason itself.

Silent Living Hell...

2011-02-10T13:48:00.000-06:00

Does the truth really, “set you free” or does it leave you open for judgment to be placed upon you? I guess it may depend upon the situation but it’s that very question that lead most people to remain silent about what it is they are going through.

I’ve been through some things in my life, some of which I wish I should have remained silent about, but what would that have gotten me? I would have been in a silent living hell with no one to talk to, no one to vent to, no one to rescue me if need be which isn’t good either. I understand NOW, after speaking up about things that this way may not be the answer either. So what IS the answer then? Why does society PREY on the VICTIM instead of the GUILTY? Sound like SOCIETY is preying on each another instead of PRAYING FOR one another…

Just Cuz...

2011-01-18T12:51:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I know where a blog post is going and sometimes I sit and just let my “fingers do the walking”… I guess today seems like the later… Sometimes I write because I have things to get off my chest when all the other words have already been said and other times I write “Just Cuz”… Have you ever done something or said something, “Just Cuz”? That’s usually the answer you give when either the REAL answer is either not known or too painful to say out loud… I’m not sure which one this is for, I just know that it is what it is…

I’ve been REAL sensitive lately to things that I think people around me don’t understand why I feel the way I do and it’s been a mystery to me also. I just know that I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge my feelings when they happen. I also know that I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. My feelings, my beliefs, and my opinions are MINE and with that, I’ll leave just as it is.

I don’t think I’ve spent time dealing with certain things and I think that I probably should have… Whenever the time comes for me to have the opportunity to deal with these issues, it is THEN that I will deal with it. During my time as I see fit not when others feel like I should or when others want me to. It is THEN that I’ll cry, scream, yell and be angry and when someone asks me why I did what I’ve done, my answer will be, “JUST CUZ”…

Please Move Around...

2011-01-11T13:21:00.000-06:00

Yes I guess I have taken this “protect yourself at all costs” to a new level. Maybe what I’ve done now is create more work than necessary to get in deep with me. But on whose standards should I base this on? I know that I am worth something and I know that I deserve to be treated well and with respect. I will not settle for less than that. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. It’s fine with me either way. It’s that “shit or get off the pot” mentality. Either get on the bus or not, but don’t get on and complain about the trip. You accepted your surroundings when you arrived at the terminal and stepped foot on the transportation. I may be taking what I’ve experienced out onto the next person who chooses to be in my life, but I’ve been conditioned to be the way I am, and I’m not changing for anyone NOR am I asking for you to change for me. So if this is too much for you or if you are not willing to deal with how I am, then by all means PLEASE move around and let someone who IS willing be next in line…

Happy New Year! We Welcome You, 2011!

2010-12-31T07:25:00.005-06:00

Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

This time of year the Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I've been through some heavy things this year which I will not recreate in my future. Some things will need to be left behind in order for my future to be different than how my past has been...

Be safe tonight and every night... Make thought out choices and think BEYOND THE MOMENT!! So many people make decisions based on TODAY without any thought whatsoever to TOMORROW... Happy New Year 2 u all! Much luv and *smooches*!

Christmas Past, Present and Future...

2010-12-23T13:41:00.003-06:00

So close to Christmas and so many feelings overwhelm me. It's as if the spirits of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future have visited me and really have me thinking... Where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going are so CLEAR to me right now.. It's like I've had to go through things to become the person I am. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but to ME it's an Oprah "Aha Moment".

Christmas Past - There have been Christmas' where I've been pregnant, gotten proposed to, diapered my babies, tied their shoes, bought them bikes, and so on and so on. It just doesn't FEEL like this time has gone by so quickly.. Over the years I've been happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, beaten down, and lifted up all during this same time of the year. It really makes you think of all the days between then and now. I've been busy planning dinner, cooking all the desserts and preparing the food for me, my husband and my children. EXCITED for the looks on their faces of the surprises waiting for them under the tree. It all seems so long ago now...

Christmas Present - Single.. Never thought I would be. I'm the wife type. I was raised to be independent, but not single. There is a difference. I fought for my marriage with everything I had. I gave everything that I could muster to try and salvage my marriage. I went against all that everyone said, everyone thought, everyone warned. I loved my husband and accepted him INSPITE OF... He was my everything. I held him higher than I held myself. Maybe that was my issue... Maybe that was my problem.. He mattered to me MORE THAN I MATTERED TO MYSELF. Regardless of the hard times we had together, they were OUR TIMES. I loved him. All of him INSPITE OF. Although we are no longer together, he taught me valuable things about myself that I would like to thank him for. This PRESENT he gave me is without measure the most invaluable thing I could own.. STRENGTH. I love him for that.

Christmas Future - It's an open book for me and my children. I see great things in my future due to where I've been in my past. My eyes are more open now than they have ever been in my life. I see possibilities in my future that I've never seen before. I see an open road with many exits, choices/decisions that can be made by me when I'm ready, IF I'm ready. It takes time to heal from things and the only thing holding me back now, is ME...

Hopefully...

2010-12-14T12:10:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we don’t know why people were put into our lives until they are no longer IN our lives. Some horrible situations can bring out the best in you and the people whose lives you influence by being in theirs. We never know what things people can pull out of you while in your life. Those things can either be bad things or good things… At the time, we don’t realize what’s going on but after it’s over hopefully you’ll know. Hopefully you’ve learned something. Hopefully, you’ve grown... Hopefully you’ve learned something about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. Hopefully you’ve changed for the better. Hopefully…

"Music is Therapy"

2010-12-14T11:58:00.002-06:00

It’s funny how someone will play a song or two and something in those songs will inspire you to think… To reflect... To look @ yourself and others in a new way… As a friend of mine said, “Music is therapy” and I would agree with him. Songs provoke emotion, regardless of what emotion it brings out of you at the time, it’s helpful, it’s freeing, it’s necessary. Music is very important to me as is dancing and writing. They all have the same effect on me and ALL bring me joy. When I’m on that dance floor, sometimes I feel as if I’m the only one in that club, in that room, on that floor. I RARELY listen to the words of a song, but the beat, the way it makes me feel to hear it brings something out of me. I don’t go to the club for the same reason some people may go, I go for the MUSIC… “Music is therapy.” Yes it is…

Dear Grandma,

2010-12-01T14:47:00.002-06:00

I know you are aware of what I'm about to write before these words hit the screen, but I have to get them out. I love you for the woman you were, the woman you created - My Mother, and for the strength that was passed down from you, to her and then given to me.

I apologize for not making it to your burial on Saturday, but I also know you understand why. As the head of my household, I am responsible for my children and will ALWAYS put them before myself. That's what good parent's do and that's what my Mom does for me. My thoughts, blessings and prayers are with you from this day to the next.

I would like for you to give my Mother closure and to lift her heart because I know that she feels guilty for not being there with you when you passed on, however, she was here with her children and grandchildren, busy putting us before herself. She assisted me by helping me be there with you in her place and for THAT and many other reasons, I am eternally grateful. She allowed ME to gain closure. I was able to speak to you, to hold your hand and to tell you I love you for that final time and I was able to hear you say those same words to me. Without her doing this for me, I would have missed out on a very precious moment that we were able to share.

Give both Granddaddy and Meechy hugs and kisses for me each day. Those two meant the world to me as do you, My Mother, and my children. Out of all of this sadness, there are things to be thankful for which are: you are no longer ill, no longer in pain, and no longer suffering.

As I told Janelle who also wrote something for you, "Grandma is now among the Angels". As I was able to say to you on Thanksgiving, "I love you, Grandma" - from this day to the next.

Monarch

2010-11-29T10:31:00.000-06:00

Monarch butterfly, fly high and fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Beautiful to watch, beautiful to observe, beautiful to see

Strong in flight, strong in faith, strong in her beliefs

Blessed are we that you gave me and my brothers our lovely Mom

Who shows us love whether we’re right or whether we’re wrong

Grandma now joins Grandaddy and Meechy in that heavenly place

Where I hope to join them one day, please make me some space

Her stories, her bible verses, her songs were ever present

God and Jesus were her strength and she loved them both at great length

She made sure we were aware of who they were and what they meant

Made sure we were baptized and of our sins we repent

Monarch butterfly, fly high and please fly free

Elmira, the monarch of our family

Sometimes...

2010-11-18T13:34:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I don’t know what I will say or do

Makes me nervous and scared sometimes too

Sometimes my replies are reactions and nothing more

Calculated though sometimes, I want to settle the score

Although sometimes I react with thought and precision

Sometimes my reactions have goals and visions

That sometimes occurs when I’m not ready to behold

Sometimes my words flow like rivers of gold

Sometimes I spend time on things that don’t matter at all

Sometimes I lend a hand to others when they fall

Sometimes that person who falls is me and I see

That sometimes I fall to increase the strength that I need

Without Them...

2010-11-18T08:52:00.000-06:00

I wonder if these breaks in my writing will continue or will I become inspired again… I guess inspired may be the wrong word here but maybe my NEED to write has certainly slowed down. There was a time I HAD to write in order to get my feelings out so that I can truly let them go, but I’ve changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed for the better or for the worse… I know I’m a stronger person NOW than I’ve ever been and that isn’t bad at all. Some people think that bad relationships aren’t good for you but I disagree. You learn a lot about yourself while going through the hardest times in your life. These are the times that we become a stronger, better person. I’m not sure if that would necessarily happen without trials and tribulations, but I’m grateful for everything that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

Silence...

2010-10-26T14:49:00.004-05:00

Silence… Something I should practice more of instead of putting words on my fist like boxing gloves.

Words can be daggers, knives or guns The battles I’ve lost total more than I’ve won.

No battles have winners if you stop and think. Just time lost during the fights and it’s gone in a blink.

What are we fighting for sometimes no one knows. A relationship can be over just as fast as the wind blows.

Everyone loses there are rarely winners you see. Sometimes silence is needed in order to agree.

The Day Our Eyes Met

2010-10-26T14:05:00.002-05:00

The smile on my face covers the tears in my eyes.

I'm stronger than u'll ever realize..

My mind wants to shout but my mouth just grins

instead of hitting yo punk azz in the chin...

The words that I say approach with such haste

Gives my mouth such a horrible taste.

I can’t stop them coming they flow with such ease

I must stop living for you but for ME…

U’re all I know, all I have, all I want in this life

Why must u cause me such sickness and strife?

A love like this is wonderful and rare

I must take it and give it to someone who’ll care

Sometimes I sit, stop and think

If I didn’t respond to that first wink

What would my life have been

If I didn’t choose to let u in.

But in this life there are no regrets

No love lost, no boxes unchecked

We are what we were and nothing less

The day our lives changed, the day our eyes met

Nice Place...

2010-10-15T13:39:00.003-05:00

I’m at a nice place. Not good, not bad, but NICE… I have things going on like everyone does, but it’s good to not be down and out or have that feeling of being lost with no way of seeing an upside to things.

This blog has really done a lot for me and my healing process while going through some major events in my life. I know some people who have read my writing have also said that it has helped them also. I’m grateful to have an outlet which brings happiness to me, the people around me and probably to some that I may not even know.

My problems are not just mine alone. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through the issues I have. It helps to see how others have overcome obstacles regardless of how small they may seem. While going through them, they seem bigger than life…

I used to be “Happy Go Lucky” ALL the time and that did nothing but assist me in getting run over. I have down moments like everyone does, but I try to recognize that and change it once I notice that it’s happening. Positivity goes a long way. Life is forever evolving and unfortunately not always for the better. The only thing we can do is evolve with it. I’ve written before that not all change is bad, it’s just different and DIFFERENT is not always bad either.

Love is a HARD Feeling...

2010-10-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

Love is such a hard feeling. Hard to understand, hard to sort out, hard to put words to. It’s a feeling that sometimes hits you in the face and you’re not ready for, sometimes it creeps up on your and you’re not ready for that either. Either way, how do you describe it? How do you know when you’re in love? How do you end the love you have for someone and open yourself up enough to receive it from someone else? How do you stop feeling the love you have for someone to allow yourself to give it to someone new? Love is hard to begin, hard to end, hard to mend, hard to lend… Love is such a hard feeling…

Things to Remember in September...

2010-09-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

I know it’s just the 23rd of September, however so far, this month has been SUCKY from the beginning until now! I feel like I’m being tested and my grade so far is less than I’d like it to be. Things everywhere are being affected and I don’t like what I see. In order to get a different outcome, I have to do something different… I’m making changes for my future, letting myself go (not physically in that area I’m doing well in), taking some protective walls down… I need to be more positive, not letting so many people in and having more control over my own situations, whether it is my work environment or my personal life. I’m not sure if these areas are where my changes need to be, however it’s a beginning.

Unfortunately, since some of those walls that have protected me are being slowly removed, I have allowed myself to be more open which has also permitted me to be more hurt recently then normal. THIS MUST STOP! I keep myself guarded as to not allow anyone in enough to hurt me. I’m losing in this battle this month and since I realize the problem, it’s an easy fix. I must remember that only a FEW people’s opinions matter! Anyone outside of that very SMALL circle does not matter! It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for people, I love everyone, but I must protect my heart at all cost!

I need to also remember that some people’s role in my life is not of importance. What things WERE are no longer what they need to BE! Things are different, I am different. My whole life is different therefore I must react differently. My same responses to people, to situations should be different. My outlook on life is different. This to me means that I’m growing, I’m learning, and changing! Nothing can be wrong with that!

Remembering September 11, 2001...

2010-09-11T13:47:00.000-05:00

This was written a couple of years ago... Thought it fitting to post here... This day...

Do you remember where you were then? I do, and I'll never forget it for the rest of my days...

I was sitting at work at Austin Community College at the front desk across from the Student Lounge. It has since been revamped and things moved around, but that day is clear in my mind. The office was empty at the time and I was there, bored out of my mind and just sitting there watching all of the students in the lounge. Something grabbed my attention, though. The TV in the lounge was on and it hardly ever was especially that early in the morning. The volume was off until someone decided to cut it on as well. All heads were cocked up toward the screen. Some people were crying others had there hands covering their mouths and a lot of people were standing around all peering at the screen. I then moved from my desk to the hallway so that I could see the TV better and then more people started coming out of the offices. As I looked on the screen, they began showing a playback of what happened and it was the first plane hitting the tower! We couldn't believe it! At first I thought that it was a horrible accident and I immediately began to cry. As I stood there watching the screen seeing the smoke bellow out of the building, the second plane hit and I knew precisely then what was going on. My co-worker Olga at the time, was overwhelmed with emotion. I remember how hard she was crying and I tried to comfort her, but it's even harder to comfort someone when you are equally overcome with emotion yourself. As the news spread throughout the building, employees began to call their loved ones who live in New York to check on them and two people, in particular, were petrified. Both of their spouses were in New York on business and were supposed to be on a plane that morning and in the area of the World Trade Center. I remember their panicked faces as they tried to phone them, but to no avail. The phone lines that morning were tremendously busy! No calls were making it out to that area. Soon, all of us were in the Student Lounge watching the screen. I don't believe any work or anything was accomplished that day.

At home, that night was horrible. The TV stations played the crashes over and over and it was on every network. But one thing in particular grabbed a hold of me. It was a documentary of a guy who was a firefighter in New York. All footage was being taped live as it happened. The scene when the first plane hit and the firefighters were on the way into the building and the sound of the jumpers hitting the ground. In the movie he says, "We all heard it. That sound. No one said a word. You can't describe it. Upon hearing it, you know exactly what it is. You know how bad it is up there if people would rather jump to their deaths than burn to death in the building." I'll never forget that sound or those words for the rest of my life. I've watched the airing of that show every year since 9/11.

One thing that I remember proudly, was the outpouring of TOGETHERNESS that was shown throughout the country after this happened. It has slowly faded away since. EVERYONE either had a flag at their house, on their clothes even on their car. We were one country and it was beautiful! We need to get that feeling back that we all had after this horrible event happened. We all shared in the tragedy, the grief and in the sorrow. We were one, one country truly indivisible.

The lives of the people who perished that day should be remembered, forever.

AHA!!

2010-08-31T13:38:00.000-05:00

What I want and need is important. I AM IMPORTANT to me and my children. This may seem like a “DUH” moment to some people, but to ME, it’s an “AHA” moment (as Oprah would call it.) Not everyone realizes their importance. Not everyone sees what other people see. Not everyone views themselves as others view them. (In some cases that may be a good thing…) Some people believe they are more important in your life then they TRULY are… Maybe YOU need to be reminded of your OWN worth rather than them reminding you of how important they SHOULD be… Oftentimes, when you are around negative people enough or people who tell you that you aren’t worth much, we begin to believe them. We think that what this person says is true because you’ve heard it so often. It’s the same with people who lie all the time. It’s easy for them to pass a lie detector test because they’ve told so many lies that the lies BECOME the truth, at least to THEM. I think women have the hardest time with realizing their worth. They’ve been beaten on, sometimes literally, and broken down that it becomes hard to see yourself as anything MORE. I’m here to tell you, there is more out there for all of us once we realize that we DESERVE it!

Too Much To Ask For??

2010-08-23T13:53:00.005-05:00

I've been asked several times if I know what I want in a relationship. I guess that is a good question considering my marriage just ended. It's something to give alot of thought to PRIOR to getting involved with someone new. It's helpful to know what I will expect of someone and what I will and WILL NOT put up with.

I would like someone in my life who has all these things listed below... Not necessarily in that order but who has ALL these qualities for sure! Some of you may think that these items are NO-BRAINERS, but believe me to some people some of these things don't exist at all...

*Someone who will love my children as if they are their own

*Someone who is loyal

*Who would love me more than they love their friends although friends are important and we can't lose our individuality while being together

*A PARTNER financially (not someone to take care of me or me of him but someone who can assist in taking care of the household WITH me)

*Someone who values my opinions as I do theirs

*Someone who will walk NEXT to me instead of trying to walk ahead of me

*Someone who will only put their hands on me in a loving fashion and not to cause me pain

*A man who can stand on his own and be a man without me being more responsible than him

*A man who can compliment me and NOT take over me

*Sense of Humor

I know I've left some things out since I was making the list off the top of the dome, but it's a good list to start off with that's for sure. As I've said in earlier posts, "... history repeats itself... but only if the variables remain unchanged..." There are certain areas of MY history that in NO WAY would I want to re-live again, so in order to prevent that from happening, I have to make some changes! I've done so somewhat, but our lives, our situations, our futures are forever changing and I want a say so in MINE!!

Lil Wayne - Ice Cream Paint Job (LYRICS ON SCREEN!!!)

2010-08-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

My Inspiration...

2010-08-02T00:47:00.004-05:00

A couple of people have told me that my blog has inspired them to begin to write and to all of y'all I saw "Thank You!" Believe it or not, some of you are my inspirations as well.. Maybe not to WRITE, but to attempt to be a better person to myself. To not be so hard on myself. To not judge myself so unfairly against others. To recognize how I need to allow myself to fail and to know that it's okay to do so. To learn my self worth and my strength. To be able to see a positive future although my past is less than perfect. Some of these things are hard to see when not paying attention to yourself because you are spending so much time attempting to fix others while your own mess is stacking up. None of us are alone in our daily fight and together, no fight is a losing battle.

Most people that are inspirations have NO IDEA that you feel that way about them. They spend their time just doing what they do all the while, we notice them. They make us want to be better people. They make us want to be our best so that we can prove to the world (and to ourselves) that we aren't bad people. It's so important to smile these days, you never know whose day you're making by having that smile to show the world. We never know what issues people are facing in their own homes, but EVERYONE has SOMETHING that they are dealing with, that's for sure whether they want to express it or not. Everyone's day can become brighter just by a silent smile.

My Mom and my children are my daily inspirations. They make me want the best for them. They make me want to prove to them that no matter what things happen to you or what things you go through, you never give up! Regardless of the pain you're in, you can make it through! I am who I am today because of them.

Just Disappointed...

2010-08-01T09:03:00.002-05:00

Ok... I know I can be a handful to some people, but I gotta be me whether it's something other people can deal with or not... I am who I am and I don't apologize for a damn thing. Love me or hate me, it's your decision but either way I'm still winning because I'm on YOUR mind... This post may sound like I'm angry, I'm not... Just disappointed... Disappointed in some people who can allow things to get to them to the point that they miss out on a great person. Disappointed that others can allow things to come inbetween me and them to the point where we split apart... Disappointed that I'm expected to do things for other people when that same expectation can't be returned... Disappointed that I give ALL of who I am when the other person can get away with giving me just a simple fraction of who they are... I'm just disappointed...

I shall, I will, I CAN!

2010-07-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

You ever have the feeling that no matter what you do it’s never enough for some people? The real question is: Why spend so much time trying to be what you aren’t for others instead of being all you can be for yourself? It’s time for self reflection, self motivation, and recognizing self worth! Yes, I know the saying, “No one can love you until you learn to love yourself first.” It’s true, from beginning to end. If we know this then why don’t we practice it? I’ve noticed how so many of us spend so much time loving other people that we don’t even BEGIN to know how to love ourselves. We are last on our OWN lists so often and then we are shocked that we are NEVER first on someone else’s. Jeessshhh… I’m trying to do better with this… Trying to move forward is difficult when you keep looking back… Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda’s need to move out the way and become: I shall, I will, I CAN!

Demetrius (Meechie) Butler, Why Did This Day Come??

2010-07-13T20:22:00.002-05:00

Thinking back on this day FOUR years ago when I heard the tragic news… Doesn’t seem like it’s been this long. Things were rough then in my house and didn’t have any means of communication but a pay by the minute cell phone. The morning of July 14th I awoke like every day preparing to go to work when I noticed the phone blinking – the power was low and minutes were basically gone. The meanings behind the basically empty minutes were 7 missed calls and 3 messages. I had just enough power and minutes to get the messages. The messages were - one from my oldest brother, my mom and my dad. I went down to the pool at our apartment complex because I knew there was a phone there (not anymore) and I had change to make the call to my Mom. She was very upset when she came to the phone and I was shocked at this since it was just 6:00 in the morning. She said that she didn’t know how to tell me but she’ll just say it – my cousin (Meechie) had been killed in a car accident the night before.

Now mind you, this wasn’t a “normal” accident where there was NOT two or more cars involved. Just one… His… That’s it… Most of my family (uncles, aunts, cousins) live in this relatively small town in Mississippi where EVERY road is a back road. Hardly any street lights, houses spread apart, bumpy unkept roads - some even gravel still… But my cousin grew up there; he knew those roads like the back of his hands. Funny thing is when visiting, my brothers and I know those roads too although we didn’t really grow up there. My dad was in the military so we grew up everywhere and nowhere at the same time…

Well, about two weeks prior to this, I took the girls to my Mom’s house in Mississippi to spend the remainder of the summer with her. They were just stuck in the house all day every day and it was quite boring for them. Mom and I decided it would be good for them to visit her and just as good for her so that she isn’t alone either. So lucky for this happening, it allowed me to see my cousin one last time.

Although Meechie and I were not in the same town or the same state, it didn’t stop us from being close. We’ve always been close. My Mom (Gloria) was the big sister of the family and his Mom (Linda) was the next sister in line. Our Mothers are extremely close… Growing up I would make sure that during each phone call, that I make sure I tell him and his brother how much I love them. When we would go to visit, I would stay at their house and spend my time with them. When we became grown, my mom, his mom, my other aunt (Angie) and me would all be on the phone 4 way – laughing and singing. I would tell his mom, “Make sure you tell my cousins I love them.”

I won’t tell you how the rest of the phone call went. To tell you the truth, I can’t remember how it went. I remember after her saying that Meechie was killed, I remember collapsing on the ground with the phone kind of hanging there – I was crying hysterically… I just never thought... Not him, not then… I made it home some kind of way and when I got there, Ryan came running from the bedroom to me. He was asking what was wrong, what happened... I was still crying and managed to get it out to him what happened. "It's Meechie.. He's dead!" I screamed. I fell in his arms and we both cried and cried... It was horrible… I made it to work and I remember crying most of the day. I spoke to my boss and took off the remainder of the week. Ryan and I got off of work that day at 4 and made the trip to Mississippi, driving over night with several “Monster” energy drinks in one hand and the steering wheel in the other… We drove all night and switchin' off back and forth until we made it the next morning at about 5:45 a.m.

Now, remember, I said that my girls were in Mississippi when this happened. He died not to far from my Mom’s house – apparently on the way home from his friend’s house. I believe his friend saw the car burning on the side of the road and called Linda. Angie, Linda, and his brother Chris (named after my brother) all went to the scene… and so the phone calls to the family came after that… When we arrived that next morning, we went to the crash site. Still in shock, nothing seemed real… What I don’t remember is when Chris and Don (my brothers) and their families made it – everything is a blur… (I remember certain things after this point, but the order is what I’m unsure of. It was such an emotional time for all of us.) While we were at the sight, we were trying to re-live what could’ve happened to him. Things just didn’t make sense. There were no tire marks, nothing indicating that he hit the brakes at all. The tree that he hit was burnt from the bottom to the top… The grass around was all burnt. It was weird, he hit the only tree there was that could’ve done any damage… The other trees and bushes around the area were too small to do anything… Right across from his tree was a dirt/gravel road. It looked like he was driving down the road, someone/something came from out of the gravel road and he swerved to miss it and hit the tree… Of course these are all assumptions… Looking down that street, looking at the gravel road, looking at the tree, it all seemed so surreal. We were looking for clues to what happened. Looking around in the burnt grass for anything that reminded us of him… Ryan found a piece of clothing and the emblem from the car he was driving – it was Linda’s car. I had written a poem for him and Linda placed it in the center of a reef and attached it to the tree. I made sure to put it in plastic so it would last for a long time against the elements…

Family from all over attended his funeral… It was a horribly sad day. Meechie used to say that funerals were nothing but sad family reunions… He was right. Linda picked a beautiful black and gold casket – one that was perfect for him. His flowers, the words from his friends everything was beautiful.

I think of him a lot. Things he would say, things we would do, songs he loved, singers he admired… Everything about him would cross my mind whether I was trying to think of him or not. He’s always with me, he’s always here… I remembered the dreadful day yesterday when he passed and called Linda to send her my love. I remember this morning, the day I found out of his passing. He will never be forgotten, not now… Not ever… I love you…

By ALL Means... Read ON!!

2010-06-28T12:01:00.003-05:00

I began this blog for ME and me only, because writing is what I love to do. It frees me of pinned up emotions and feelings that I keep to myself. Although I am an open book, some things ARE personal. Some things are better left either unsaid or said to a chosen FEW, but for the most part, ask me and you’ll have your answer whether you will like what I say or not.

Don’t cha just love when people come into your world and try to change you and what you do? Of course you don’t I was being sarcastic, but censorship is the same thing. Apparently some folks don’t appreciate my words and how I choose to portray them to the world, but as I recall, this is MY blog and I can do with it as I choose. Luckily, I have little care for what people think of me or what their opinion is of me. I just say, “kiss my azz” and keep it pushin’! If you have that many things to say to me about what I do, then begin your OWN blog and write freely there.

Don’t try and shush me, it will only cause me to become LOUDER. Don’t attempt to cage me, I WILL break free. Don’t hold me down, I will become unloosed. It’s a new world out here and I want to see what it holds whether you are ok with it or not. By the way, don’t take what I say so personally, but if you do and it changes you for the better, then by all means… READ ON!!

Some of the BEST Lessons...

2010-06-25T11:48:00.003-05:00

I’ve learned to accept people for their actions and not their words. Actions REALLY DO speak louder then words. If I tell you I love you but never do anything to SHOW/PROVE to you that I do, then how can you believe that what I’m saying is true? It’s beautiful what opened eyes can see, not literally speaking but figuratively. The brain sees things that the heart won’t necessarily accept. We are afraid to allow ourselves to see these things for fear of being hurt. Being hurt is an opportunity for growth whether we see that at the time or not. Some of the hardest situations that I’ve been through in my life have taught me some of the best lessons… It’s true and if you look back at your life, you’ll agree.

When we were young, some of us made plans for ourselves, for our lives ahead. I did and of course things didn’t work out all the way as I had previously planned. However one thing is for certain, I’m a stronger woman than I thought I would be. I’ve been taught things that I normally wouldn’t have learned if not for trials and tribulations. Good things come out of all bad situations if you look at them through different eyes.

This has been a very hard week for me. I’ve had to end a relationship that began 18 years ago. STRENGTH allowed me to do that. Friends and family by my side that stood by me and didn’t judge me HELPED with this... People who have walked the road in front of me to shield and protect me AIDED in this... Peers who have held me and told me things would be okay ASSISTED in this. I’m not alone in anything I do. God has had my back when I didn’t know he was there. He has been with me, helped me, aided others in my fight, and held me during this whole situation. I love HIM and ALL OF YOU for all of your support.

Tupac - If My Homies Call

2010-06-16T08:00:00.001-05:00

Happy 39th Birthday, Tupac!!

I’m in My Own Way

2010-05-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

I have to learn how to let go… I have to show myself and prove to myself that I am worthy of love and adoration. Not the love that I’ve been getting, but the love that I’ve never gotten… Does that make sense? You know the love I mean, the type that when someone’s eyes look into yours the feeling is that you are the only one on this planet that exists besides the person that you’re looking at? The feeling that every word that you utter is important and has meaning…That no one else in this world matters but you… I’ve felt this way before, but to have someone RETURN that look – now that’s AMAZING!

I’m in my own way though and I don’t know what to do to correct this… I know what I want, but to get there is my issue. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know HOW to do it… I need to drop some walls down that, over time, I’ve learned to build up to protect myself. I need to open my eyes a little and learn to trust and believe what people are saying to me. I have to teach myself that not everyone is out to hurt me… How do I do this?

I have to learn to let old things go and learn how to make new things happen for myself. I have to allow myself to let people in enough so that I can enjoy life again. Is this possible? I have to teach myself how to forget the past and make room for the present and my future. Waiting for a bus to arrive that isn’t scheduled to come is what I’ve been doing so far… I have to move on, to let go, and ARRIVE!

Find the Time...

2010-05-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

I know I haven’t written in awhile, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about y’all… Just haven’t found the energy to. Isn’t it bad when u don’t have the oomph to do what u love? To make the time to do something for yourself and what you enjoy? People, we have to do better! We find the time for everything else though don’t we? Things that don’t matter, things that can wait, things that others ask of us… We make time for all THOSE things, but when it comes to things for ourselves, we are placed on the back burner. Why is that? Do we not see ourselves as important as we see those who are asking things of us? I’m trying to make more time for myself. To raise my view of myself,TO MYSELF! No one else can do that for me! How I see myself is a reflection of how others will view me. Now that’s DEEP…

We HAD some good times…

2010-04-23T14:26:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know I haven’t written in awhile – been busy... Been busy taking care of business, things I didn’t want to do, but things I know had to get done. Unfortunately, these things could only get done by me – Procrastination has reared its ugly head for too long already. How much more did I think I could take? Was I testing myself to see how bad things could/would get before I did anything? I guess I shouldn’t be hard on myself. Nothing wrong with sticking to my word for me and my family… Nothing wrong with it at all… Then why do I feel so bad? Bad maybe is the wrong word; maybe disappointed is a better one… Disappointment is one of the worse feelings in the world to me. It’s hard to return from it; hard to recover from it; hard to deal with it…

One thing people can’t call me is a quitter. That is one thing that I’m not. I’m a ride or die chick for the right person and even the wrong one… I give it my all, EVERYTHING gets my ALL. That’s what I do, that’s who I am. I give it all, because that’s what I expect in return. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. When standing in front of the LORD and professing your love to him and the world, why wouldn’t I give it my all?? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Why don’t people take it as serious as it is? Why are people so quick to give it all away for a roll in someone else’s hay? The grass may look greener on the other side but when you get up close, you realize that it was turf instead. When I then give you what you want by leaving, it is then when you try to come back to this green lush grass then you realize THIS grass is no longer yours to mow.

Life is LIFE LESSONS that are sometimes very hard to learn. It’s funny because regardless of those who take steps before it’s your turn to walk them, your feelings, opinions and reactions are yours and yours alone. No one else can tell you how to feel. No one else understands but you. It’s a lonely place to be. Alone with your feelings with really no one to turn too but YOU. It’s not a time to feel bad though, you know this decision is the best one you can have, but time lost, time spent, time wasted… WOW, none of those can you get back. It wasn’t a total waste of time. There were good times. There were children born. We HAD some good times…

Reality

2010-04-13T13:49:00.001-05:00

Why do we allow ourselves to believe things we know aren’t true? Is it because we allow our hearts to rule us instead of our minds? We want to believe things are the way we want them instead of how they really are. Reality is a HUGE pill to swallow when your well has run dry. People tell us who they are by the actions they make, not by the words they choose. We want to believe that people will change, that we are somehow different then the others who have been caused hurt by this person, but in REALITY, we are no better, no different then the ones before us. When you see something in front of you, don’t walk around it in order to avoid it, step to it with your eyes open so you can see it for what it is – REALITY. Reality won’t lie, won’t steer you wrong – it is what it is and we all need to deal with it.

Sometimes Tears Fall for No Reason...

2010-04-05T22:00:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have tears fall for no reason, but you don't question it, you let them fall. You feel like crying heavily, slobbering, yelling out in pain, tears streaming faster, harder then ever before... Instead though, you try to be thick-skinned, stopping the emotions from erupting for fear of someone walking in or hearing you... Part of you wants to anyway so someone CAN hear you, hold you and tell you that things will get better... You secretly want the person who hurt you to see you, so they know what they've done, however you also know that they wouldn't care even if they did see...

Sometimes tears fall for no reason, should there be a reason? Is it wrong to just cry? It's not a weak emotion, for it takes a strong person to show their emotional side. A weak person would rather act like it doesn't exist at all. I cry. I cry when I'm happy, sad or mad, but sometimes, I cry just cause...

I have reasons to cry, I'm sure most of us do, but lately, tears just fall. They fall no matter where I am, out of the blue. Sometimes I feel it coming because of that undescribable knot in my throat and warns me of the outburst to come. I welcome it. I know that afterwards I will feel better, feel free, feel calm.

Movin' On?

2010-04-05T09:58:00.000-05:00

Some people amaze me at how fast they can move on to other people after a break up. What does that mean exactly? Was the person they are no longer with that easy to get over or is the person they moved on to really not that important? Just someone to fill a gap perhaps? The nerve! Both the person you left and the newbie deserve more then that! People just don’t care about people anymore. Out for self gratification and nothing more. Way to go, selfish bastard, way to go…

Our Own Kind??

2010-03-31T12:07:00.004-05:00

I had a talk with someone recently about an incident that happened to her the other night. She was checking her mailbox at about 10:45 p.m. (yes it was late) and a man (who happened to be black) ran into the mailbox area. She lives in an apartment complex so her mailbox was incased in a small house of sorts with plenty of mailboxes surrounding hers. The first thing that popped into her mind was that she was alone, at night, with this black man. Now mind you he ran into the mailbox area seemingly out of breath and asking for her help. He seemed nervous which made her nervous as well. She motioned to the man to leave and asked several times to just leave her alone and to just let her get to her car. “Please!!” she begged him. Never did she pay attention to anything that he said UNTIL she was on the way out of the mailbox area and a police car pulled up. As she was getting into her car she overheard the man tell the police “He’s been beating me, I had to run, I just had to!” Apparently the man (as she thought) was actually a boy, who had been beaten by his father was reaching out to her for help and all she saw was a “black man”. Apparently he had been knocking on doors pleading for help and no one, including her helped him. When she figured out what happened, when she made it to her apartment, she let herself in and cried herself to sleep…

I didn’t want to mention until the end of the story that the person telling me this story was black too. She said to me, “Why has society made us so afraid of our own kind?” Wow… What a powerful question. I had no answer for her. None. Do you? To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to say to that story OR to her question... I'm not sure what I would've done differently if anything at all. It's hard to say unless placed in the situation. But one thing I tell you is I can't get that question out of my mind... Is it society? Is it our own insecurities? I think being placed in that situation myself, I would've been scared REGARDLESS of who would've walked/ran/jumped into that mailbox area at that time of night, which is why I don't usually check my mail at night in the first place. The best way to protect yourself is to not place yourself in bad situations... I know... Easier said then done...

I'm Tired...

2010-03-29T14:08:00.002-05:00

Writing things down, getting my feelings out “By any means necessary”… It’s what I do to be able to deal with things that are bothering me. It’s good to have an outlet that’s easy for me to do, real cheap too! Doesn’t cost me a red cent! I’m scared to think of what I would do if I didn’t write… I’d either be an ALcoholic, an EAT-aholic, a SMOKE-aholic whatever came my way probably... (I’ve always made up my own words. Hey I don’t have to be “Webster” in order to do so! Lol) But I choose to write, it’s what I do – it’s who I am!

Sometimes my feelings overwhelm me to the point where I get either SUPER sad or SUPER angry and now since I’ve had my hysterectomy (couple of years ago) that could be in the matter of minutes – SECONDS even! I write a lot more frequently now. Things have to be said, things have to be done NOW for tomorrow is not promised. Why should I let these things fester? What I have to say is just as important as the next person.

I have issues as we all do; but mine just seem more important To ME because they are happening TO ME. Is that selfish? Nah, it’s my perspective as I’m sure your issues seem hella more important to you then mine do. Don’t get me wrong, my friends issues/problems are important to me because the chosen few that I call “friends” are family to me. Their issues are mine and although it’s rare that I can help them with their issues, I listen, I’m here, and I care!

Is this post all over the place? Maybe, but that’s how I’m feeling today – All Over the Place?! My brain is being pulled in several directions and right now and unfortunately down is easier to get to then UP… I know that is the wrong way to look at things and I try to be so positive MOST of the time, but I’m tired y’all… Really tired… I’m tired of “The B.S.!” There are lots of things that fit in this category and to tell you the truth, there are too many things to even list. Tired of being broke, tired of drama, tired of hurting (literally), tired of getting my feelings hurt – just fuckin’ tired!

Have you ever tried to fix your issues and no matter what you do, nothing gets better? I mean, I’ve hit so many brick walls – I’m bruised all over. “Just hold on” people say, I’m holding for dear life! I’m a soldier – I fight – not giving up now, tomorrow, or the day after that…

Tiki, remember Boo – you are not alone in this fight. There are others who are here with you in spirit and here day in and day out for you! That’s what I tell myself! This fight is not mine alone. I fight not just for me, but for my beautiful girls! Sometimes they look at me and make me feel like it’s just me and them against the world! I fight this fight for them! Hold on babygirls’ – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

My Affiliation!

2010-03-23T15:01:00.002-05:00

Writing can be just as medicinal as someone’s medication.

It can ease the mind and render relaxation.

It can take your mind away like a vacation.

Makes me want to scream out like an acclamation!

Got mad love for it, more like adoration.

I want everyone to know my page – it’s my affiliation.

Writing can bring people together like a congregation.

I want to do it all the time because I have dedication.

Writing gets my anger out – extermination.

My words are my own, there’s no interrogation.

I hope people look up to me with inspiration.

My hard work may pay off with a publication.

Until then, I must constantly renew and restore – renovation.

However when that day arrives - VERIFICATION!

Do You Have a Rock??

2010-03-18T21:57:00.002-05:00

No matter how strong you claim to be, there will always be something that will break you down. Not a total breakdown, but an emotional one for sure. We are mostly strong when we need to be, but those times when you are by yourself and you know you can let go, you will. Nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone needs time to get over something or someone that has wronged them. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," that's true but it doesn't feel like that at the time. You feel weak and alone and that no one in this world can understand you and your issues. This is when friends and family come into play. Those times are when you need to find someone to lean on, someone to confide in, someone who won't judge you and who understands. Not everyone is blessed to have this person, so if you have found this rock, lean on them with care. You will need them when you feel like everything else around you has crumbled.

Your Day Begins TODAY!!

2010-03-16T11:52:00.001-05:00

Isn’t it hard sometimes to accept reality? Sometimes reality slaps you in the face without you being prepared for the hit. At that point, it’s time to get up, dust yourself off and realize that YOUR day begins TODAY! We all need to take charge in our lives and be responsible for our own actions. Today is the day we begin to realize that we can not be responsible for anyone else’s mistakes, but we are in charge of our own reactions to others’ mistakes. Just because someone does something wrong to me does not give me the right to go and wrong someone else. KARMA now that is one thing I will no longer mess with.

Why is it so easy for me to write people out of my life who make bad decisions in their own lives that I CAN’T deal with rather than people who have hurt me more than I should put up with? I’ve said this a lot lately because it is SO TRUE! I have the tendency to accept things that I shouldn’t or put up with things that I shouldn’t. The funny thing is when this is happening to me, while I’m in the moment I can NOW recognize it while it’s occurring. I can NOW recognize game where before I was trying hard to call it everything else then exactly what it was… GAME!! Guess I’m growing up… Maybe not “growing up” – wrong choice of words… Maybe now, I’m healing…

What's Done in the Dark...

2010-03-04T12:02:00.004-06:00

I don’t know where I heard this from but the saying goes, “What’s done in the dark shall come to the light” meaning everything we do in secret (in the dark) will come out in the open (to the light). If you don’t believe this saying, just ask any cheater who has gotten busted and is now alone or no longer with the person they cheated on. Anyone who has read my blog knows how I feel about cheating so I’m not going to continue to rehash that mess today. It goes back to the post I had the other day, me feeling someone else’s issues. I recognize myself in so many people and it pains me sometimes that they don’t see things that are right in front of them… I guess I don’t either sometimes…

There comes a point though with me, when I can no longer take or deal with the drama that is being brought to my life from other people. It’s at that point when I remove them from my life, period! The relationship, regardless of what it is or was, becomes no longer necessary to me… In fact, it becomes a hindrance and at that point an “annoyance” to me. There are some people that just need to be removed in order to move on with YOUR life... Regardless if it’s a friend, a family member, an associate, WHOEVER they may be... Deletions are occurring everyday around this peace, please believe!!

Some people may think this is harsh of me, but I’ve always been the type of person to not give a rat’s ass about other people’s opinions of me! You can believe what you wish of me, I don’t care just like you do not have to care what my opinion is of you. Your decisions, whether they be good or bad doesn’t matter to me UNTIL it impacts my life or the life of my children. At that point, the relationship WILL BE DEALT WITH. The easiest thing to do is to cut the bad out of my life and then rejoice on the good that is left behind…

Every Problem is Not Mine to Fix...

2010-03-01T14:03:00.003-06:00

I have got to realize one day soon, that I can not allow myself to be upset by things that I have NO CONTROL OVER or that do not concern me, but are issues that my friends are dealing with.. I keep telling myself over and over again that I need to control this, give advice without melting myself with their situation. Both my children have told me, “Mom, that’s not your business” OR “Mom, you can’t fix that.” (Smart kids I have.) It drives me nuts to know that something is wrong that may not have any affect on me at all, but it may concern someone I care about. It feels as though that issue is mine to deal with as well. I want to fix that problem so that it no longer exists for them ESPECIALLY if it is something that I have dealt with. Why would I want to see someone deal with the same issues as I’ve experienced? Why re-invent the wheel? Why is it that we do not heed the advice from others who have been down a path that we are currently traveling? Is it sooo hard for us to fathom that someone can help us? Is it that we do not want to hear or admit that we are in the wrong and need help?

A Press Conference!? Really?

2010-02-19T11:33:00.001-06:00

Why would someone feel the need to give a press conference about cheating? If that’s the case, press conferences would need their own network! CPCN – Cheating Press Conference Network. Yes, he needed to apologize to his wife, kids, and family for being a loser. Yes, he should apologize to the company’s who will lose money as a result of him BEING a loser, but really, a press conference?? I see press conferences for IMPORTANT MATTERS that affect us all, you know like 9/11 or something happening to our beloved president (not jinxing at all) but I mean something that is HIGHLY necessary to reach the masses… Tiger being a hoe? Not one of ‘em…

A Season?

2010-01-29T10:40:00.001-06:00

When you think you are all alone in the world someone comes forward with the same issues or problems as you are experiencing… People say: “Things happen for a reason” or “People come into your life for a reason” (or is it a season?) At the moment you are happy that someone understands your position, what you’re going through, the feelings you are having… Then the next emotion is sadness because then you realize this person is hurting too, because someone has hurt them… Why do some people thrive on hurting others? Why are some people so selfish they only see themselves and the current situation with no regards to the consequences of their actions? Why do some things happen to people that don’t deserve the pain they are caused? Not that I want “bad” people to feel pain either, but it doesn’t seem fair. Of course life isn’t fair, but why isn’t it? We all want to be happy and want the best for ourselves, but must that include causing others pain?

Obama's State of the Union Address 1/27/10

2010-01-28T10:40:00.001-06:00

Linked above is the State of the Union Address given by President Obama last night... Just in case some of you missed it! If you are seeing this on Facebook, go to my site: www.tidbitsbytiki.blogspot.com to view it in it's entirety!!

Janelle, The Big 1-0!!

2010-01-26T08:40:00.004-06:00

When your youngest becomes double digit age you begin to notice things you probably haven't before: lines on your face that weren't there, body creeks and pops, the independence of your children... It's eye opening! It's great to see, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing!

Janelle, she turns 10 today and she is the most sweetest, sensitive, helpful, kind, loving child in the world! She loves art, animals, everything and EVERYONE!! She's honest, caring, and a social butterfly!! She is smart, gorgeous, beautiful inside and out!! My babygirl, my youngest, the other half of my world! Momma loves you today, tomorrow, yesterday and all days before and after that!! You bring smiles to everyone who your smile touches! A gift in a world full of turbulence! I love you!!

Who Dat?!

2010-01-25T09:54:00.003-06:00

(Let me begin by saying that is NOT my booty in that shot, but I love the logo on the pants!!)

Football!!! Colts vs. Saints!! Get outta here!! Two of my teams playin’ each other for the prize!! I knew my teams wouldn’t let me down this year!! I’ve been asked over and over again who my choice would be outta the Colts OR the Saints for winning the Super Bowl… Honestly, I love both!! Peyton and the Colts have been to the Super Bowl so many times; that I think that ALONE has me pushing more for the Saints!! The Saints have had a helluva season and a win would just push me over the edge!!

I’ve heard all kinda reasons as to why the Saints won last night: Adrian Peterson’s two million fumbles, Brett being hurt, the officials being one sided, the crowd noise.. You name it I’ve heard it! Not saying I don’t love Brett Favre, but why not just say the Saints played a helluva game?! Brett wouldn’t have gotten STUCK as many times as he did without his line not having his back OR his front for that matter!! Why not call it for what it is??

The Colts and the Jets – Peyton… Love ya boy!! I know your brother has to admire you and I saw him in the Press Box cheering you on!! You deserve it too, year after year, game after game – you pull through!

Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl this year, huh?! Wassup with that? Not that I don’t LOVE it but why? What was the reason behind it? Anyway, two more weeks of football and then sadness and depression sets in when the season is over and we begin longing for next season to begin… Wish it could go on all year round… Who Dat?!

"Say Something" Timbaland ft. Drake

2010-01-21T15:28:00.002-06:00

Right is Just RIGHT!!!

2010-01-14T15:35:00.001-06:00

Ever wondered the type of mind frame people are working with?? Sometimes the things people say or the angle in which people view some situations just throw you for a loop and they leave you questioning yourself and your own view?? I know we are all different, but right is just RIGHT, isn’t it?? The extent of WRONG that some people will venture to just amazes those of us who don’t think that way. None of us are without fault, which I’ve said many a time before now and will continue to state that well known FACT, however, just because we all have them, doesn’t mean we should do wrong for the sake of doing wrong with NO conscience, NO apologies, and NO concern for anyone but yourself! Americans are known around the world for being materialistic, selfish, greedy, rude, and any other negative adjective you can mention. Why should we continue to uphold these ideas of US by making the horrible day in and day out choices that we do! URGHHH!!

STAY STRONG!!

2010-01-14T08:07:00.002-06:00

You never know who is watchin' you and the decisions you make in your life. You could be someone's inspiration and NEVER know it! STAY positive, STAY true to yourself, and STAY STRONG!!

I've been goin' thru something in my life recently... I came to my desk this morning and there was a card in my chair... I opened the card and there was a $50 bill in the card and the hand written message said, "Stay Strong!" Wow.. What a blessing!! It wasn't signed by anyone... They don't know what an impact this has had on me and I don't know what impact I've had on them... AMAZING!!!

Help Haiti!!

2010-01-13T13:55:00.002-06:00

"Donations to the International Response Fund can be sent to:

American Red Cross

P.O. Box 37243

Washington, D.C. 20013

OR made by phone at 1-800-REDCROSS or 1-800-257-7575 (Spanish) or online at www.redcross.org."

From the Red Cross website

Sweet 16!!!

2010-01-08T10:53:00.003-06:00

My oldest will be celebrating her sixteenth birthday tomorrow and I’m full of emotions… This was my babygirl! It was just me and her for awhile and no one else on this Earth mattered! She was all I had for awhile and she is one of my two reasons for doing what I do! Teenagers can be a handful and she is not without her issues, but we all have them and I’m blessed to say that she has overcame obstacles that a lot of youngsters would not have been able to. She is my rock, my friend, and half the reason I exist (the other half’s birthday is on the 26th of this month where she’ll be hitting double digits! The big 1-0!) What can I say besides, Shantel, Momma loves you and I’m blessed to be your Mother!

Changes will Begin in 2010!!

2009-12-30T10:56:00.001-06:00

New Year resolutions are easier to set then to accomplish. I’m looking to make goals or changes in my life that will lead to a better happier me. Everyone could stand to make some changes as long as they are for the better. Insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results… I’m going into the new year wanting different results than I’ve been receiving which means I need to change some things up while at the same time being true to myself!! Sounds difficult? Not really, considering I usually try to do what others want instead of what I want. I’ve tried to place others before me which have caused issues but my heart was in the right place, most of the time. I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes; none of us are without faults or imperfections. Some of us try harder than others to fix what we have done to cause others pain. I digress…

I need to get out more, to see this country of ours – spread my wings a little. Walls can be so suffocating. Where will I go? I’ve wanted to see Niagara Falls since I was a little girl which may sound shocking to some since I’m HIGHLY afraid of water!! I can see it from a distance right? New York has always grabbed me too! The hustle and bustle of the city seems so exciting! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to Germany several times because our Dad was in the military, but I was too young then to enjoy where we were. (Oktoberfest at this age?? BANANAS!!)

This time of year we begin to look back over how things were for us during the year and question ourselves as to what could’ve been different or better. The Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda’s set in and we wonder how things would’ve turned out if this were done or if I would’ve done this… Why do we do that to ourselves? They say history repeats itself… It can but ONLY IF all the variables are unchanged! My history makes me who I am today, but I have a say so on how to react to my future. My future is bright and so is yours!! I don’t know about y’all, but I’m goin’ in on 2010!! Love you all and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG BRO!! :0)

The Holidays

2009-12-22T12:02:00.001-06:00

This time of year means so many things to so many people. For some, it is a glorious time filled with cheer, loved ones close by and presents for all those around. For others it means sadness, reminders of things they can’t afford, or maybe even death in the family. Regardless of which way is your way, please be thankful for what u DO have and try hard NOT to focus on what u don’t. Many of us have had some rough things happen to us this year, but we are still here and that in itself is a blessing. Try to go into 2010 with a new outlook – something new to focus on or to be driven towards. Not a “New Year Resolution” – those things are over rated. Try to make a difference in either your life or someone else’s for the better and see how different 2010 turns out from 2009. Nothing bad can come from being positive! Never allow someone to attempt to change the person you know you are!

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Clean Slate

2009-12-08T11:39:00.001-06:00

When is the right time to move on? Is there a time frame given to know when you are over someone or when that person is over you? I think you should allow yourself ENOUGH time, whatever timeframe that is… I’m sure the amount varies from person to person, situation to situation… There should also be time added for you to get yourself where you need to be, whether it be emotionally, physically, financially PRIOR to bringing someone else into your life. The new person doesn’t deserve to begin something with you with all of the added baggage from your previous relationship dumped onto them. It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to the new person. They are the innocent party and should begin with you with a clean slate, not one dirtied, muddied, and stained from the person before them…

LITTLE White Lies??

2009-12-07T10:26:00.002-06:00

I had a talk with one of my close friends this morning and we were discussing if “white lies” truly exist or if it was called that by people who lie so much that there are different sizes and colors of lies… lol I won’t tell you that I’ve never told a lie or two, but after some things have happened to me, I decided to make every effort to tell the truth since then. People who are close to me say that I can be brutally honest, but wouldn’t you rather me tell you the truth on things or lie to your face and have you believe something different? Of course you probably wouldn’t know the difference, but I DO and that is what is important to me.

Of course there are times where it is easier to tell someone a lie to spare their feelings, but I feel that a TRUE FRIEND would tell you the truth whether it hurt you or not! It’s not easy to be in that predicament but I have been there and I have hurt feelings AND have had my feelings hurt as well. I tell you what though; the people who I have experienced that with are STILL my friends to this day and will be around for me and me for them.

Problems arise when the person who is doing the lie either gets caught by you or some other way. Doubt sets in on the one who is being lied to and then they fail to believe any and every thing that person has to say from then on. That is a horrible situation to be in ESPECIALLY if the person is a spouse or significant other. What happens then? How do you move on from there? Sometimes, depending on the situation, you are unable to be deal with what has happened and the best thing is to move on. There are things that are more easily forgivable then others and it depends on the person and what they are able to deal with and what they aren’t. It’s definitely easier to be on the outside of a situation looking in, but when you are the brunt of someone’s deception, who knows what you will do unless it’s YOU who are who being pushed into the corner.

Perspectives...

2009-12-04T10:30:00.007-06:00

Do you ever have random questions that really don’t need answers but it would be nice to have some different perspectives on them? (I guess I started this off with a question didn’t I.. Funny how things work…)

I wonder what is up with people coming out of the wood work after awhile… Where have then been and why come back up at all? Is forgetting about people and not talking to them, does that really show them how much you mean to them? Do they really realize that they miss you and want you in their lives? Why not realize that while you are there instead of while you are not?

Do other people’s perspectives matter to you? And if not, then why not? I’m the type of person who could really give less than a damn what people think of me. I am who I am and that’s it and I don’t make any excuses for who I am and for the most part I’m happy with who I have become. Now of course, there are some areas physically that I would LOVE to change and even that right now can’t be dealt with so I have to roll with what I have and that’s that… My Mom has instilled in me to love myself whether someone else does or not. I have forgotten that a couple of times in my life and have placed many people’s importance ahead of mine and that hasn’t gotten me too far, but I’ve learned from my mistakes and I know to not do that again… A part of me wonders why that is really wrong though… Aren’t we supposed to treat others how we want to be treated?? But I guess that doesn’t always work or am I not understanding or seeing something that is plainly in the front of me??

Although I said that I don't really care how people think of me, there are CERTAIN chosen FEW who their views DO matter... These people's opinions may change how I see things which concern me... Should it bother me? Should I let their views change my outlook, my view, my decisions?? Why is it that you allow yourself to care when it's so obvious when other's don't?

This world we live in is a crazy place and we are only here for an unknown amount of time; however the time we have here determines our time elsewhere...

Injury Update II

2009-11-30T10:06:00.001-06:00

I’m out of the wheelchair and off the crutches! YESSSS!! I won’t tell you that I’m not still in pain but I’m doing what I can to get healed up! Time waits for no man (or woman) so I have to get it crack’n! It’s still awkward walking though… The heel is still in the boot which makes things weird but oh well! Gotta make it work! I return to the doctor on December 21st and will, at that point, be in two shoes (what a Christmas present)and begin rehab which I KNOW will be difficult! Nothing we want or that is worth having is easy – so I say - onward and upward!! The “warm up exercise” hurts like a you-know-what and if that’s any indication of what is to come then I’m preparing myself now! Thank you all for the continued thoughts and prayers! I still need them!!

Madea’s Thanksgiving Dinner Rules

2009-11-24T11:04:00.003-06:00

Thank you for this Stephanie! Have a restful Thanksgiving everyone!!

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a** down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them da*n pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort the little moochers to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my da** house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their a**es!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a da**. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy a** home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing da** well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a “misunderstanding”.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING IN AND LEAVING MY PROPERTY!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is NOT a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DSS on your ignorant a**!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your a** home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy a** family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

Single Mother Jailed for Refusing Deployment

2009-11-17T10:05:00.004-06:00

From AP Associated Press -

By RUSS BYNUM, AP Military Writer Russ Bynum, Ap Military Writer – Mon Nov 16, 9:32 pm ET, SAVANNAH, Ga. – An Army cook and single mom may face criminal charges after she skipped her deployment flight to Afghanistan because, she said, no one was available to care for her infant son while she was overseas.
Spc. Alexis Hutchinson, 21, claims she had no choice but to refuse deployment orders because the only family she had to care for her 10-month-old son — her mother — was overwhelmed by the task, already caring for three other relatives with health problems.
Her civilian attorney, Rai Sue Sussman, said Monday that one of Hutchinson's superiors told her she would have to deploy anyway and place the child in foster care.
"For her it was like, 'I couldn't abandon my child,'" Sussman said. "She was really afraid of what would happen, that if she showed up they would send her to Afghanistan anyway and put her son with child protective services."
Hutchinson, who is from Oakland, Calif., remained confined Monday to the boundaries of Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, 10 days after military police arrested her for skipping her unit's flight. No charges have been filed, but a spokesman for the Army post said commanders were investigating.
Kevin Larson, a spokesman for Hunter Army Airfield, said he didn't know what Hutchinson was told by her commanders, but he said the Army would not deploy a single parent who had nobody to care for his or her child.
"I don't know what transpired and the investigation will get to the bottom of it," Larson said. "If she would have come to the deployment terminal with her child, there's no question she would not have been deployed."
Hutchinson's son, Kamani, was placed into custody overnight with a daycare provider on the Army post after she was arrested and jailed briefly, Larson said. Hutchinson's mother picked up the child a week ago and took him back to her home in California.
Hutchinson, who's assigned to the 3rd Combat Aviation Brigade of the Army's 3rd Infantry Division, joined the Army in 2007 and had no previous deployments, Sussman said. She said Hutchinson is no longer in a relationship with the father.
The Army requires all single-parent soldiers to submit a care plan for dependent children before they can deploy to a combat zone.
Hutchinson had such a plan — her mother, Angelique Hughes, had agreed to care for the boy. Hughes said Monday she kept the boy for about two weeks in October before deciding she couldn't keep him for a full year.
Hughes said she's already having to care for her ailing mother and sister, as well as a daughter with special needs. She also runs a daycare center at her home, keeping about 14 children during the day.
"This is an infant, and they require 24-hour care," Hughes said. "It was very, very stressful, just too much for me to deal with."
Hughes said she returned Kamani to his mother in Georgia a few days before her scheduled deployment Nov. 5.
She said they told her daughter's commanders they needed more time to find another family member or close friend to help Hughes care for the boy, but Hutchinson was ordered to deploy on schedule.
Larson, the Army post spokesman, said officials planned to keep Hutchinson in Georgia as investigators gathered facts about the case.
"Spc. Hutchinson's deployment is halted," Larson said. "There will be no deployment while this situation is ongoing."

Does this bother anyone else? I mean I know she HAD to know that it was highly likely that she would be sent on a tour (why do they call it a tour anyway?? There is no site seeing or enjoyment taking place...) to Afghanistan or somewhere like that PRIOR to enlisting, but to place the child in foster care just bothers me! I mean, is there NO ONE in the child's family, either on the father's side OR the mother's side who could take responsibility for this child? I know her intentions were probably good for joining the military in the first place: money, job security, insurance, stability, etc but to STILL send this "single mother" to jail?? Man... I know, she should have appeared at the site instead of pulling an AWOL (absent without leave) type of situation but I understand why she did... Later in the article it stated that if she would have appeared WITH her child, then they "... would not deploy a single parent with NO ONE to care for the child..." However that is not what she was told.

Also, it says that she doesn't have any relationship with the father... Well, what about the rest of his family? Just because the father doesn't take responsibility for his child excuses the rest of the family? What is up with that? That is something that is rampant with single parents and their children. The absent parent doesn't do what they are supposed to do then the family of the absent parent usually (not always) takes the same road as they do... I don't get it!

Genre of Movies

2009-11-15T09:24:00.001-06:00

Is it weird that I don't like "chick flicks"? I ask that because my youngest and I were watching a Disney movie and a commercial came on and I said, "Well, that's probably another movie I won't watch.." She asked me why and I told her that I just don't like movies that make me cry. I cry enough on real life issues that I prefer to not watch a movie that would pull that emotion out of me... Does that explain why my favorite genre of movie is horror? No... I hate being scared but since the things that occur in those films is highly unlikely, then I can bare to sit through them for an hour and a half... Pitiful? Probably, but I doubt a man can really live through being: burned, decapitated, hung, electrocuted, stabbed, diced into pieces and some of the other things that have happened to both Micheal Myers and Jason... So sue me... No chick flicks here please!! lol

Injury Update!!

2009-11-10T08:25:00.002-06:00

People have been reading the blog and calling a sistah to check on me and for that I send out my gratitude!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he removed my stitches - 9 of 'em! (My neice wanted to know how many I had. That's for you Asia!) I thought it would hurt alot worse than it did but it was a slight tug for each one and that was it.. When he took of the splint cast, I tell you, it looks like I have one Olive Oil leg and one Popeye leg! He placed a heel in my walking boot and said that I still can not put any weight on my foot for two more weeks! I have to keep the walking boot on with the heel on the inside until I return to the doctor. He then will lower the heel for two more weeks and so on until it is flat on the inside, THEN rehab begins!!

That cliche' is true "You never know what you got until it's gone." That goes for body parts too! lol... The things that I took for granted before, I never will again! The simple things, like being able to carry a cup of water or a plate of food from one room to another; being able to shower; checking the mail - little things like that which require the use of BOTH legs. I tell you what, be happy with what you can do people!! Some people are looking at you and wishing they were in your shoes...

What else do you call it??

2009-11-04T17:26:00.003-06:00

I went to the doctor today and had what I consider a "setback"... Minor? Maybe or maybe not, but that is how I have to think of it in order to make it... Apparently this injury has pretty much sat a sistah down.. Physically for who knows how long... I was under the impression that I would be able to be use the walking boot, but that guess was incorrect... I will be unable to use this leg for longer than I expected and it has me worried... I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous, scared even... The doctor said that absolutely NO WEIGHT can be placed on this foot at all and if there is, it could harm the area he has worked on and could slow down any progress that could have been made up until this point.. I've made myself sooo nervous on these crutches that I can't even tell you... Man.. Stay encouraged, girl and stay strong!! That's what I keep telling myself... Wow...

A HUGE Thank You!!

2009-11-03T07:53:00.003-06:00

I know I've been out of pocket for awhile and quite frankly, I guess I needed to be... I thought that being at home, I would write alot and have plenty to say but I guess this medicine knocked a sistah out more than I wanted to be... My mind was sleeping even when I wasn't... (This is some strong stuff!!LOL)

I wanted to say a big "THANK YOU" to all of those who have helped me and my girls while I've been recovering from my achilles rupture injury! (Yes.. It feels just as it sounds!) It's easy to get down and out when bad things happen to you, but when you are surrounded by love, helpfulness and kind people, there is no way you can feel sorry for yourself. So many people helped my girls while I am going from the recliner to the bed with my foot posted high in the air... Yes this sucks, but people came together for me and my girls and for that I am eternally grateful!

I even noticed while paying bills yesterday how nice the world is... So many people held the door for me or assisted me with things as I hobbled around on these crutches that I have yet to use correctly... I'm not supposed to be out anyway, but bills wait for nothing or no one... People jumped out of their cars to help me or held the door or let me go first... Things like that may sound like nothing to you, but the smallest things to some people are HUGE to others and yesterday I needed all the help I could get...

I've also noticed how so many places' handicap accessibility is not what it should be... (You pay attention to things that you normally wouldn't when placed in a situation that causes you too...)

My doctor told me that my recovery/rehab for this injury is "extensive". I can't let that get me down either! He also said that it depends on the individual... I tell you what, I plan on being back on the volleyball court or sand as fast as I can with making every effort possible in order to make that happen! I can't sit here for too much longer without going CRAZY!! I have to get out of this apartment as soon as I can! The walls are closing in on a sistah!! lol

Sex THAT Important??

2009-10-24T15:35:00.001-05:00

(Accidentally deleted this one..Had to repost this..) Is anyone else tired of hearing the stories of famous men cheating on either their famous or not so famous significant others? I mean, it’s everywhere all the time! What is with these men and them not being able to remain faithful to their womenfolk? I’m sure women cheat on their men too, but it’s not as prevalent as these supposed “men”.

Is sex that important to men that they have to get it from everyone, everywhere, all the time? People have the nerve to cheat on someone and then not to even strap up when they are doing the “dirty deed”. On top of that, they bring the nastiness home to the spouse or significant other that they shouldn’t have been cheating on in the first place. Just NASTY!! Then we wonder how diseases spread so fast. Why not leave the one you’re with if you aren’t happy with what they are doing or NOT doing in the bedroom instead of cheating on them? If u aren’t happy with how they put it down then u shouldn’t have married them in the beginning. Is the “Cheaper to Keep Her” view still floating around? I mean, didn’t you know what you were getting into before the wedding? To that question, I’m sure some man will respond that we women change after the wedding happens and you know what – you men do too and not always for the better.

So much emphasis is put on sex and not enough on other important attributes of relationships such as: trust, love, communication, respect, commitment, and passion… What happened to the importance of all of those? Do they not matter anymore?

Dante Wesley's Uncalled for Smash on Sunday...

2009-10-19T11:53:00.002-05:00

When things like this happen, people bring up the "brutality" of football. I am all for a good game but this was just down right malicious! What was he thinking? For him to be surprised by being ejected is even more wild to me than the hit... Why is it when people do something that is obviously wrong that they seem put off by the punishment? Never seems to amaze me...

BOREDOM

2009-10-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

Isn’t one of the worst things in the world being bored? Being bored at your job makes you do things at work that you normally wouldn’t do such as play on Facebook, Yahoo Games (I’m addicted to Bejeweled regardless of what site I can play it on) or whatever site that grabs your attention (Blogger!! lol). Point is it gets you into trouble... A lot of people tell me that they would LOVE my job because it has its highs and lows – busy times and slow times. Unfortunately, I like being busy more than NOT because it keeps my mind off the clock. I’ve had jobs to where there was never enough time in the day to get things done and now I’m at a place where the clock is so loud in my ear that I can hardly stand it!! TICK… TICK… TICK – and that’s just by 9:00 a.m.!!!

Same goes for boredom in relationships. When you are bored, you feel as though your spouse of significant other has forgotten all about you and has gone on with their life while you remain stagnant in yours. You spend all your time wanting and waiting to do things with them, while they have plans with everyone else BUT you!! Meanwhile, bad things can happen in that boredom... Things and people begin grabbing your attention that shouldn’t… Although couples have each other to prevent this, each individual person should have their own life outside of the other person to where some things are shared and some things are just for that person to focus on. It’s just so you don’t lose yourself in the process of enjoying the other person.

Has this happened to any of you? Any ideas to prevent this from happening to others who may be going through this? Of course I’m no stranger to this topic or I wouldn’t be writing about it. I’ve been so wrapped up in someone else that I’ve lost all the people around me. My friends and family noticed at the time, but I’m the only one who could have done something about it. I was sooo into someone that no one mattered to me but him while at the same time he was so busy seeing everyone else BUT me. I completely lost myself and the person that I was because my everything was focused on him. It’s very eye opening to see it now from this perspective… I wonder why I couldn’t see these things before…

She-Hulk

2009-09-30T11:05:00.002-05:00

People ask me all the time if I would go back in time would I change anything. Undoubtedly the answer would be a resounding “YES” just like I’m sure everyone would change SOMETHING. Even one day, one hour, one decision… Something, I’m sure.

Don’t get me wrong, the majority of my life has been hard, but there are several things I would leave exactly as they are – exactly as they happened. My high school years were the best time of my life and would remain unchanged EXCEPT for getting the chicken pox in my sophomore year! Those were horrible!! (I guess it is true that the older you are when you get them the worse they are!) See? I would even change something about those years.

Is it true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? If so, I’m damn near She-Hulk!! (Am I showing my age here?!) Although times have been hard, there are people out there who’s situations are a lot worse than mine, just as my situations are worse than someone else’s. Our situations are based largely on decisions that we’ve made for ourselves. Yes, while we are young there are things that happen to us that are out of our control; however when we grow to be adults, those things can either make us or break us and we become responsible for our own decisions. It kills me when people blame their childhood for bad decisions they’ve made as adults. People (generally speaking) know the difference from right and wrong, don’t we??

Problems with Men and Women

2009-09-28T14:45:00.002-05:00

Something interesting I heard today, “Men aren’t as strong mentally as men of old. Men today need to be catered to, are selfish and less appreciative than ever before.” Unfortunately, I agree with this entire statement and would you believe that it was made by a man?! The funny thing is that us women knew this the entire time, but it kills me that men agree with us and don’t do anything about it to change the pitiful outlook that some sorry fellas have casted against the whole lot. Okay, okay… Maybe not the whole lot, but it is a large number of ‘em then… Is that better? To tell you the truth I don’t know why I’m surprised in the least. People know when they are making bad decisions; they just don’t care enough to make the right ones instead.

I know you’ve heard the statistic that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. We all know this yet and still we get married knowing the odds are against us… Why? Do we think going into it that we are different than the millions of others who have tried before us? Do we feel our love is somehow stronger or more special than everyone else’s? Or do we just want to feel loved and appreciated by someone? Someone who is saying to God and all others that you are their special someone? Why do we need this? How many times have you heard couples say that things were better BEFORE they were married? What changes after the “I do’s”?

I’m not sure who can answer these questions but it certainly feels better asking them. I know I’m the wrong one to try and solve these dilemmas because I have no answers myself to my own issues and concerns. But if the first paragraph is TRUE then at least we know where we can begin.

“Tiki, here you go ‘men bashing’!” Probably so, maybe I am. I began this post with something I heard by a MAN remember… We women have our own issues. Okay, will it make you feel better if I mention some of them too? Women: cater to their men instead of themselves; expect to be taken care of instead of taking care of themselves, instead of getting a man their equal will settle for ANY man... Of course men and women have many issues, some of which I am guilty of myself… The thing is if you recognize issues in yourself and strive to better yourself, then you are ahead of those who have issues, recognize them and do nothing!

Potpourri III

2009-09-23T13:47:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I just sit down and begin to type and let the monitor/keyboard take me where it leads me. I usually don’t have to think of things to write about… Either the news will show me the way or something in either my life or a friend’s life will direct me. Lately though, I’ve been having issues and I’m not sure if my situation is causing the block or what. (Maybe I should call it a “pause” instead of a “block”; that way it won’t seem as long.)

News has just been news, but the weather has been something else!! (My thoughts go out to those in GA where the flooding has been out of control.) Everyone has been talking about how we have needed rain and now see what happens… A lot of a good thing can also be disastrous regardless of what it is.

Plaxico in jail for 2 years for bringing a weapon to a night club and shooting HIMSELF in the leg... I’ve written about this before but since he is now serving his jail time, it still seems harsh to me... Maybe just a little… Yes, of course I realize that it wasn’t a smart thing to do, but at the same time he didn’t hurt anyone but himself, although drinks and weaponry combined is never a smart thing. He proved that didn’t he??

Racist acts – a daily event in the news… Finally, the swim club in Philly has been penalized for not allowing the day care center which has a majority of black children to swim in their pool. Of all 179 members in their club not one is an African American or even a minority for that matter.

President Obama has been on every channel and show, day or night talking about his health care fight… Continue to fight the good fight, Obama… Whether you agree with him or not, you have to agree with the fact that at LEAST he is trying to look out for the people who are having problems looking after themselves… Nothing at all wrong with that.

See? I never know what road I’m going to go down when I begin the trip. I just know wherever it leads me is where I am…

Writer's Block

2009-09-22T12:08:00.001-05:00

I haven’t had writer’s block in a while and I guess I’m having it now… Even with so much going on in my life at this time, it’s really nothing to write about. I’m not sure it’s information that I would want “outsiders” to know… Not that I’m nervous about being judged, but because although I am quite an open book, I’m not sure I want to be THAT open…

Tiki, we are here for you and to those people who have told me that I say “Thank You”. The only way people can help you with your problems is if you allow them IN to be able help you. Everyone doesn’t need to know the particulars; they just need to know that you need them to listen to you even if it’s just for a few minutes… Everyone needs to feel needed in one way or another whether they truly are needed or not…

I guess I didn’t have writer’s block after all… lol

September 11, 2001

2009-09-11T08:06:00.003-05:00

This was written a couple of years ago... Thought it fitting to post here... This day...

Do you remember where you were then? I do, and I'll never forget it for the rest of my days...

The lives of the people who perished that day should be remembered, forever.

Obama's Healthcare Address

2009-09-10T09:10:00.001-05:00

Potpourri II

2009-09-08T14:38:00.002-05:00

I looked below at my last post and discovered that it’s been two weeks since my last post and decided that it’s high time I get busy!! Yes, I’ve been busy, moving and adjusting to a new place but I meant busy writing… I’ve found that it is one of the things that truly calm me and allows my mind to escape the hell otherwise known as my life.

Everything in my life is NOT by any means hell per se... My children are truly blessings although they can push a sistahs buttons without even trying. I know I over react sometimes and that is an ongoing project that I will continue to try and maintain. But my children are the reason I exist; they bring a smile to my face when they don’t even know I’m watching them… I love the moments when they are giggling together or singing in the mirror together – dancing and enjoying themselves as I stand off in the distance watching them from around the corner… They are the reasons I do what I do, work where I work, live where I live, and smile when I smile. They are my life’s joys.

I wish I had them closer together meaning, not a six year gap between their ages, but I had them and they were/are healthy children. They are helpful, they are kind, fun loving, energetic children with their whole lives ahead of them and they are my motivation. I want them, when they are grown, to be able to look at me and be proud and know that everything I did, I did for them and their happiness whether it is something they can see now or won’t realize until then. Either way, their opinions of me are the only two that truly matter besides how I view myself.

How I view myself varies from time to time. I can be very meek when it comes to some people and be a total biatch to others. I can be very strong minded and strong willed to humble and modest. I guess you never know what you are going to get (which is why I’m so damn exciting to be around lol). But as far as my children are concerned, I am loving yet protective and to me that is how I should be. You never realize how strong you are until you have to make a choice that is not an easy one to make. There is usually an internal and external battle going on with tough decisions. You have to know in your heart and mind that the decisions you make whether they be small or large ones affect more than just you which is why each choice needs to be well thought out prior to making it. The people around you who matter will be there for you to support you through these times.

I know this post is all over the place… I guess that is what happens when you wait two weeks before posting something. Hopefully it won’t be that long of a wait next time. For those of you checking everyday waiting for something to read: here it is!! For those of you who haven’t been checking, why not??

Aaliyah (1979-2001) I LOVED HER and STILL DO!!

2009-08-25T14:15:00.002-05:00

It's been 8 years ago today... R.I.P. beautiful soul...

Time

2009-08-25T13:34:00.000-05:00

Another summer vacation for the kids has come to an end. It seems like it’s flyin’ by faster and faster. Time seems to fly whether you are having fun or not… Each moment, each minute is so very precious. Our time here is not known from one moment to the next. There are not too many things that are constant in this world… Time tickin’ by slowly but surely is, however, one of them.

If You Were In a Bar Fight...

2009-08-21T13:28:00.005-05:00

I was listening to the radio the other morning on my way into work and they asked the question: If you were in a bar fight, which 3 stars would you want helping you? The answers were really funny too!! One guy said he would bring in George Bush because since he did such a great job F'ing up the country then he would easily win in a bar fight! Funny, right?! (Well to some of us that is...) Anywho, my three choices are below. I'm going with all ladies on this one!! Hey, we can put it down!! Who would you like on your team and why?

Angelina Jolie - Lara Croft

Uma Thurman - Kill Bill

Linda Hamilton - Sarah Connor - Terminator

WHY??

2009-08-20T15:25:00.002-05:00

Why are the views of other people more important to us than how we see ourselves??

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do some people love other people in their lives MORE than they love themselves?

Why does your doctor make you change out of your clothes, then tells you to put on a robe just to move the robe out of the way to see your naked body anyway?

Why are the nice people the hurt ones while the ones who treat others like garbage are the most carefree folks you’ll ever meet?

Why do we press the “Start” button to cut off the computer?

Why are families so hard to keep together but people have friendships from childhood that last “until death do they part”?

Why is there a light in the refrigerator and NOT the freezer?

Why is it easier to find fault in others than seeing fault in yourself?

Brandy - "2nd Thought" Lyrics

2009-08-19T14:22:00.005-05:00

I've said it before, sometimes music has a way of saying things better than we ever could and this song is no exception. I'm probably one of the few fans Brandy Norwood has left, but that's fine, her music always hits home for me... She's always right on time regardless of when she arrives!!

Ain't it funny how

Ain't it funny how things always come right back around

How the tables turn

With a little time the ones was up will soon be down

Got me thinking bout

What is was that made me think that you were all so great

Had me sitting round

Tryna figure out what you thought was so wrong with me

You treated me like I wasn't open

Thought you were something

You made it seem like Rocka wasn't that thing

Now you calling again and I was thinking

You almost had me for a minute but I

On 2nd Thought I'm alright

Don't hate me cause I changed my mind

I thought that I wasn't working

Now look who's hurting for a chance to be with me

On 2nd Thought don't drop by

I think it'd be a waste of time

Remember you wasn't digging it

Now you so into it on 2nd Thought I'll say goodbye

(Bye, bye, bye, goodbye, bye, bye, bye)

If back then was now

Probably would have said thank you lord for sending him to me

But I found out

That it was better to be hurt back then cause now it strengthens me

So now when you bounce

It was because I put you out not you just leaving me

And you’re back around

Is it because I won't start giving that you’re struggling

You treated me like

You treated me like I wasn't nothing

Thought you were something

You made it seem like Rocka wasn't that thing

Now you calling again and I was thinking

You almost had me fooled for a minute but on 2nd Thought

On 2nd Thought I'm alright

Don't hate me cause I changed my mind

I thought that I wasn't working

Now look who's hurting for a chance to be with me

On 2nd Thought don't drop by

I think it'd be a waste of time

Remember you wasn't digging it

Now you so into it on 2nd Thought I'll say goodbye

(Bye, bye, bye, goodbye, bye, bye, bye)

I could never

Let you back into my life

I would never turn back the hands of time

Some things are meant to just fade away

There's no way you

Could ever change everything you done

Wouldn't matter to me cause I moved on

Now I would see something better

In mind, You don't…

On 2nd Thought I'm alright

Don't hate me cause I changed my mind

I thought that I wasn't working

Now look who's hurting for a chance to be with me

On 2nd Thought don't drop by

I think it'd be a waste of time

Remember you wasn't digging it

Now you so into it on 2nd Thought I'll say goodbye

It didn't have to be this way but

You could have had me anyway but

You chose to do it don't know what led you to it

Now you hurting without me (yeah, yeah)

Should have did me right before now I don't need you no more